I was officially diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin's Mediastinal Large B-cell Lymphoma in July 2010. I was seventeen. I was in Form 5; my last year of secondary school, preparing to sit for the SPM examinations.

I would consider myself an average teenager - a girl who just wanted to have fun, with her quirks; trying to survive life as a teen.

It all started with me coughing non-stop after a bout of the common flu. Despite making several trips to my family doctor's clinic, the cough just won't seem to go away even after months of being under medication. Several prescriptions of cough drops later, my family doctor suggested to my parents and I to have a chest X-ray done for me.

A large tumour was discovered; situated in between my lungs, right in front of my heart. The tumour was pressing against my trachea, causing me to have slight breathing difficulties and all that coughing.

I stopped going to school almost immediately. My parents and I went on this journey to seek advice from specialists regarding my condition.

Next, I had a needle biopsy done which confirmed that the tumour consisted of active cancer cells. I had to go for a surgical biopsy to classify what kind of cells were they, so the proper treatment could be administered right away.

The cancer had then spread to my pancreas, kidneys and liver.

Afterwards, I went through six cycles of chemotherapy(R-CHOP) and self-studied for the rest of the year. I was lucky that I was fit enough to sit for my SPM examinations at the end of the year right after my last chemotherapy session scheduled for me was completed. Or else, I wouldn't be able to successfully graduate from secondary school. I had a lot of people telling me to just skip the examinations and relax for a bit, but my stubbornness got the better of me. I was determined enough then and thankfully, I did alright. At least I could fully focus on getting myself treated without worrying that I did not complete even my most basic education in Malaysia.

At the end of 2010, I went for a PET scan. My tumour did shrink, but it was still there.

When 2011 came, I went for radiotherapy this time. I had 25 fractions done.

I thought I was on the road to recovery at long last, but unfortunately…no.

A few days before my scheduled PET scan, I felt extreme soreness at the right side of my abdomen. It made me lose sleep at night, and my coughing fit was back. The oncologist in charge of my treatment for radiotherapy felt something near my right kidney. I went for a PET scan the very next day, and found out that my cancer had spread again. New tumours surrounded both my kidneys once more and my lower spine. Radiotherapy was crossed out from the possible ways of treatment, since the radiation will damage my kidneys, affecting their function tremendously.

I had three more cycles of chemotherapy(R-ICE) done. This proved effective for awhile, but after every session - the cancer would get aggressive and we went back to square one. Finally, it was decided that I was to undergo an autologous stem cell transplant. I had my stem cells harvested, and I went through a few days of high-dose chemotherapy before the transplant. I was hospitalised for a month. I had zero immunity, and blood infections which caused high fever haunted me. I made more trips back to the hospital to rid of the infections.

I am currently under quarantine and recuperating from the transplant; dealing with the side effects from both the transplant and my radiotherapy sessions - causing breathing problems, dizziness, fatigue, etc. The latter is the cause of a now weak heart.

I went for another 27 fractions of radiotherapy due to a tumour above my left kidney discovered by a PET scan in December 2011. My left kidney has lost its function.

Through another bout of coughing, I was advised to go for a chest X-ray and have an ultrasound done at the abdominal area. It is confirmed that my cancer relapsed for the third time. I am now under a new kind of medication.

***
So much had happened throughout me battling cancer.

Other than the physical challenges I have to go through, I also have to deal with my decreasing level of self-esteem and emotional health.

I do admit, I am a typical girl when it comes to me wanting to look pretty. You may call it vanity, but I say it's just me wanting to look presentable and good.

Imagine, I went bald twice; not once, but twice! Surprisingly, no tears came! (I later realised that it’s the process of waiting for my hair to grow again that’s truly challenging.)

This time, I hope I can truly make a full recovery and do my bit for the community. Also, hopefully my cancer journey as a teenager managed to inspire you and give you a more positive outlook on life. Quite a number of us assume that cancer only affects adults. On the contrary, I am a living example that that mindset is certainly untrue. It's not for me to tell you how to live your life, but you only live once, so treasure your life and your loved ones while you still can. Stop and smell the roses once in awhile, and you'll find that life is so fulfilling with just happiness and good health. A successful career, good grades - definite bonuses and great goals, but with life being so unpredictable; you'll never know what might happen next. Be content with what you already have, count your blessings and live life to the fullest without any regrets.

Believe me, I'm speaking from personal experience.

***
Click hereto go back to reading!

Hello dear readers!

It's already going to be February very soon. Tomorrow, to be exact.

I'm going to make this a quick one, but it's definitely going to be slightly more detailed than my previous entry.

Recently, I have been going for radiotherapy sessions (again). The usual staff are still there, and they still remember me. Of course, no one is happy that I have to go for more fractions. It does make things easier for me; the familiar surroundings, En. Owl the joker and Kak N the sisterly figure (real names shall not be revealed here, since they are medical staff) and knowing the procedures without feeling all awkward.

I'm not let off from the side effects, though.

Since my PET scan results from last December showed that I still have this one tumour (whether it's a relapse of my cancer or my transplant unfortunately did not work out as well as everyone thought, it remains unknown. Still, I strongly believe it's the former. There are the results from various blood tests to support my opinion, even if I'm not a certified doctor or MO of any kind) at my left kidney, I was advised to go for radiotherapy once more.

According to my doctor in KL, chemotherapy won't work for me anymore; I was administered the strongest dosage prior to my stem cell transplant, and the cancer cells in my body showed resistance, apparently. Also, there's no point in damaging my healthy cells with more chemotherapy, since it isn't going to work.

So, it's daily trips to the hospital again.

All this at the expense of something - I'll lose the function of my left kidney.

The kidney is quite a fragile organ, it seems. It cannot receive more than a certain amount of radiation, or else it faces major damage.

In my case, it's either sacrificing one kidney, or sacrificing my life.

With the choices given, it's not that hard to decide, really.

I'm getting tired. Tired of all the treatments, tired of burdening my loved ones, tired of worrying the people who care for me. It hurts to see their worn-out faces too.

Will it be too much to ask for cancer to go away already and for me to get through this ordeal?

With the experience I've gained from fighting cancer, I certainly could do inspiring more people with my story. Or helping those in need now. I'm not too used being the one who needs help, to be honest. It kind of makes me feel extremely vulnerable, somehow. And I certainly don't like feeling that way.

Oh, and I don't need anybody to tell me that it's the journey that matters, and not the destination.

You guys have no idea how aware I am of that.

Till another longer post, I hope!

Happy Chinese New Year to all who celebrates it! (Technically, it lasts for 15 days, so I'm not late!)

Cheers!

Labels: i'm grateful and blessed for.., lymphoma and me, medical procedures, musings

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Hello readers.

I feel obliged to apologise to everyone because I haven't been updating, but I think I'm not going to.

The pleasing disease needs to be cured. Or cancer won't.

All that everyone needs to know for now:

Cancer is back in my life once more.
I'll give the details later.

For now, I'll just like to spend some time with my family.

By the way, hope this new layout is well-received!

Cheers.

Labels: general, lymphoma and me

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Hello again, readers!

This entry is dedicated to everybody who left me tags in my Cbox. Unfortunately, I think some of them got deleted because there were too many words of encouragement and support(my sincerest thanks to everyone who left me a tag!), and at that time I didn't change my settings for my Cbox accountto keep more messages. I managed to retrieve most of them; those that I didn't manage to retrieve back, I really cannot reply you but I can only give you my thanks for your encouraging words and for some of you, suggestions of alternative treatments.

I'll be replying tags from the earliest to the most recent.

Here we go again!

***
@nn, thank you for believing in me! (':

@Pn. Wong, teacher, is that you? :D Thanks so much for dropping by! You take care too! (:

@ayasan, I will definitely try! Thanks!

@C, thanks! Will do! (:

@xx, easier said than done, but will definitely try! Thank you! (:

@guest, thank you! (:

@Edwin, hello there! Thank you so much for your concern, but for now, I have no intentions of setting up a PayPal account. I have my reasons, and this wil be further explained in a separate blog post. I certainly am grateful and glad that there are so many Samaritans out there willing to help me out though!

@uga..., thank you for the love! And I do appreciate the fact that people are keeping me in their prayers! (:

@guest, haha, I doubt that everyone loves me, but I do know that there are people who do! Thanks!

@hope, no pun intended, but I hope so too! Thanks!

@Unwritten, thanks! I hope that everything will be okay, eventually. (:

@candice, nice of you to drop by! And thanks! (:

@hong, hey there! Thank you so much for your tag! Well, I was too tired from my stem cell transplant and the side effects were wearing me out months afterwards to even go online, hence the lack of updates. I've been trying to update as often as possible now. Thanks for checking often!

@way, awwww, thanks! (:

@vivian, hello there! I do apologise for the super late reply. I'm sorry to hear about your condition, I do hope you're on the road to recovery! Sure we can be friends! Feel free to e-mail me here: dancingpapercranes@live.com

Hope to hear from you soon, Vivian! (:

@ex-junior, hi there! Thanks for your well-wishes! (:

@iqa, awwww, thank you! I'm glad that my story could broaden your perspectives. Will do! (:

@LJ, that's really nice to know! Thank you!

@JW, thank you so much! You too!

@~Si3wLiNg~, when I was still undergoing the transplant, I'd been advised by my doctor to not dabble with alternative treatments, because it could bring more harm to my health if the effects from both treatments were to clash. If you would really like to let me know more about energy healing, you could send me an e-mail to dancingpapercranes@live.com. Thanks!

@Nikisa Izas, thank you! (:

@Believer, wow, I'm really flattered! Thank you so much for your compliment and the well-wishes! :D

@kalis, awwwww! Thanks! (':

@h, I don't really understand your tag, but thanks for dropping by anyway!

@Zettiey, hi there! No, I never tried alternative treatments before because I'd been advised by my doctor to not involve myself with alternative treatments. The results of alternative treatments vary among patients - it could be harmful, it could cure one of cancer. Meanwhile, I'm not going to take any risks. Thanks for the well-wishes, though! (:

@Hope, I'm glad to hear that! Thanks! (:

@Lynette, thanks so much! :]

@ugashni, thanks for the love! (:

@Somebody, thanks for keeping me in your prayers! (:

@Arynna, will do! Thank you! (:

@X, awwww, thank you so much! :]

@charmaine, my doctor is a very knowledgeable haematologist too, and I trust him in treating me. Thanks for the info anyway! (:

@AAA, appreciating the love from across the Causeway! Thank you! (:

@blogwalker, thank you! I think I'm doing alright at the moment. I really hope that I'm well on the road to recovery! (:

@Alvin Lee, hey! I saw your Facebook message, but haven't got to replying you yet. Do bear with me, and sorry about that! (:

@Anonymous, thank you!

@stranger, thank you for the compliment! (':

@roslinda, thank you so much for keeping me in your prayers! I'm really sorry to hear about your niece's condition though. I hope she's doing well and is recovering!

@AnotherOne, that's really nice to know! Thank you so much! (:

@cha, I won't give up that easily. Thanks! (:

@kit, definitely! ;)

@fran, thank you so much for the compliments! I'm glad that my story helped you realised how lucky you are. Cheers! (:

@Dorothea, hey! No way would I just regard you as just another stranger! That would be disrespecting you and everyone else that had commented even though I don't personally know them in real life. Thank you so much for your tag and for keeping me in your prayers, I really appreciate that a lot! (':

@Mika, nice to know! Thanks! (:

@Sheree, well, I'm sure all of us have our complaints about life. It's just about who's more fortunate and who isn't. What life throws to us, we have to face instead of running away. Anyway, thank you so much for everything! :'D

@leonie g, hello there, reader of the same name! Thank you so much for the well-wishes and the compliments! Super appreciated. (':

@mizah, I will. (:

@angie, thank you so much for keeping me in your prayers! And there's no need to be ashamed for whining about your life. We all do, actually. It's what makes us human. (:

@paula, thank you for the prayers! (:

@HI, awwww, thank you! (':

@Ashley, thank you so much Ashley! I really appreciate your tag. :D

@c, thank you! (:

@Jasmine, thanks for the well-wishes! (:

@ur junior, you don't need to hope. I will stay strong. (:

@nadya, will do! Thank you!

@zah, thanks! Will do!

@ins, thank you! (:

@BK, thank you so much for the well-wishes and for dropping by my blog! I really appreciate it a lot. (:

@Carmen, ah, thank you so much! :'D

@Hanne, thank you! (:

@destiny, thanks!

@Clara, thank you for the compliment! I'm glad to know that I inspire people. It's the least I could do. (:

@nick, thank you! (:

@Vanessa,, hi there! Thank you so much for your compliments! They really do make me feel better about myself. (':

@Grant, I won't! (:

@c, thank you so much for leaving so many tags. (:

@Gail, really nice to know! Thanks! :D

@yishien, thank you!

@Jane, thank you! Much appreciated. (:

@ShazrolAzly, thank you so much! I really appreciate that! (:

@Jen, my thanks to you too! Yes, I'll keep that in mind. (:

@jy, will do! Thanks! (:

@krystie, thank you so much for your support! :'D

@mic, thanks! (:

@cheering you on, thank you! That's really nice to know! :D

@Alvina, thank you for keeping me in your prayers! Really appreciate that a lot! (':

@anon, thank you!

@asd, I'm so sorry for the late reply! Thank you so much for wanting to help me out though! (:

@Ash, awwwww, thank you! (':

@Yu Hong, thank you! (:

@hellosunshine, thank you for your tag! :]

@YSL, thank you! (:

@suzane, you're right on that one! Thank you so much! :]

@MH, thanks for the info! (:

@ashley, thank you! (:

@evelyn, hello there! Thank you so much for wanting to help me out! Financially, I'm currently quite alright for now. But if there's anything, I'll definitely send you an e-mail. Thanks once again! (':

@Inti-an, thank you! :D

@addin syah, glad to know my story inspires you! ;)

***I'll give another proper update soon, I hope!

Cheers, everyone!

Labels: general

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All responses here are to those who had commented on my blog post titled 'here comes the hardest part.' I will contact those who didn't want their comments to be published through e-mail as soon as possible.

Generally, those that had asked me to give my bank account/contact details to them through e-mail will be contacted again through e-mail as well. Since I'm done with my transplant and things have settled down a tiny bit financially compared to then, I think it's only polite for me to say thank you for the kind thought; I never replied to them immediately due to my going through the tedious treatment process and feeling utterly too tired to even go online. They wanted to help, but I didn't give them the necessary information. Hope this clears up some misunderstandings out there!

I'll be replying from the earliest comments to the most recent.

***
@jorene pu, thanks! (:

@fyah, thanks for the well wishes! It's perfectly fine that you couldn't help me financially, it's the thought that really counts. (:

@Sylvi, I'll be sending you an e-mail soon! And thank you! (:

@Shar Linn, I sincerely appreciate your comment, it's truly full of wise words. It's really great to know, and I don't feel that bad about myself being 'weak' once in awhile anymore. Thank you so much for the support and encouragement, it's much appreciated and needed while I try to kick cancer in the ass. (': I'll be sending you an e-mail soon! Thank you so much again, Shar Linn! Cheers! :D

@Naziha, thanks so much! Really appreciated. (:

@nityakumar, thank you so much! I shall try to contact you soon. (:

@Carinn, I think I thanked you and the rest in Sunway College JB so often now, I'm starting to think that I'm nagging at you lot. Heh. And I don't mean to make your mum or anyone cry reading about my predicament! Oh gosh. D: But I'm truly touched at what you, your family and our friends have been doing to help me out. Thank you so much Rinn. (': <3

@Michael, will be sending you an e-mail soon! And thank you! (:

@Paul Low, thank you for the comment Paul! Cheers! (:

@Cikgu Adilah, cikgu!! Thank you so much! *hugs!* (':

@fashu, thanks Fashu! <3 (:

@Jean Chu, thank you for keeping my family and I in your prayers! Will send you an e-mail really soon! (:

@xox `Lyng` xox, thank you so much! Will send you an e-mail soon! (:

@CYJ, I'm glad to know that my story inspired you and your roommate. Thank you both for your help, but I won't post my bank account details nor my Facebook profile in my cancer blog. I find it too public. You didn't leave me your contact details either, so I can't get back to you personally at the moment. If you're reading this and still want to contact me, please e-mail me at dancingpapercranes@live.com! Thank you once more, and please send my thanks to your roommate as well! Cheers! :D

@Komol, hello there! Will be sending you an e-mail soon! (:

@Anonymous, my family and I have our reasons to not publish about my condition in the papers. This will be explained in a future blog post. Anyway, thank you!

@st, will be sending you an e-mail soon! (:

@qi, thank you so much! (:

@David Teoh, hey David! I'm really grateful for the help that you and the rest of the peeps in Taylor's had done for me. I know all of you had done your best in trying to help me out, but because of certain situations, all of you couldn't do more for me. I'll explain in my blog as soon as possible why. Meanwhile, thank you so much for everything! Please send my sincerest thanks to the rest as well. Cheers! (:

@Anonymous, I'm sorry to hear about your uncle having cancer too. I'm glad to hear that he can get a suitable bone marrow though! (: Hope his condition has stabilised and he's doing much better now. Will send you an e-mail soon!

@Rebecca Koo, hey girl! I'm so sorry for the late reply concerning this matter. I am still grateful for all you and the rest had done for me. (': Aren't we friends now, by the way? ;) Haha. When I'm free from cancer and all, maybe we can meet up with Jia Ying and a few other mutual friends and we can get to know each other better. (: Thank you for keeping me in your prayers! :'D

@Anonymous, thank you so much! Will contact you through e-mail as soon as possible! (:

@pangzter, I'm so sorry for the late reply! Funds-wise, I think it's alright for now. (: But at the moment, you can help by being a friend to me! I'm open to new friendships at this point in life. It helps me widen my social circle even though I'm stuck at home because I have to be quarantined. Anyway, thank you so much for leaving a comment! :]

@Lee Yue, I didn't notice any typo errors! But it's okay, no worries at all! (: Thank you so much, but I think it's alright for now. Cheers, and hope you're doing well!

@StereoHearts, thank you so much! It's nice to know that I have constant support from people like yourself. (: You didn't leave me your contact details, so I can't do so. But thank you anyway! :]

@Christinaa!, Chrissie dear! I'll contact you really, really soon, okay! (:

@zahrah, awwwwwww! Thanks so much, Zahrah! :'D Glad to know that I inspired you, in some way or another. Will contact you as soon as possible! (:

@Anonymous, will be sending you an e-mail really soon!

@Rin, hello there! Nah, don't worry! I don't think that way at all. It's just that at that time, I was already under treatment(stem cell transplant), and I don't want to meddle with alternative treatments while I'm undergoing the transplant. Thanks for the information and the encouragement though! It's really appreciated. (: I'll definitely do my research about this. Meanwhile, I hope your sister is responding well to this treatment! Cheers, and take care! :D

@maurice!~!@, man! Thanks so much for dropping by! :'D

@~MY~, will be sending you an e-mail soon! (:

@Alyssa, alright! Will send you an e-mail soon! (:

@Anonymous, thank you for the information! Will definitely look it up.

@Anonymous, awwwww! I'm glad that you defeated cancer! I'm really happy for you! :D You're right, cancer isn't all that bad as it had helped me learn so much about life and how I shouldn't take things for granted. It's high time that cancer should be leaving my life now! Hahah. You being in my predicament before will definitely understand the trials and tribulations of being a cancer patient. Thanks for leaving a comment and telling me about your story, it's really appreciated! Hope to hear from you more if you see this reply! Cheers, and take care! ;)

@QiTing Darling, hey there! Will be contacting you through e-mail/Facebook shortly! I have yet to thank you, Ah Yuan, and the rest of your family properly. Hope all of you can remain patient with me! (:

@Anonymous, wow. You never knew people like me existed unless they're from the newspapers or storybooks? I hope that with my story, it managed to widen your horizons about people like me really existing and aren't merely fictional people/strangers. Will be contacting you really soon! And thanks! It's nice to know that I'm an inspiration to you. (:

@Anonymous, hi there! My email is dancingpapercranes@live.com, but I won't be on MSN using this account. Cheers!

@Shen Ni, thank you so much! I definitely will do my best to stay strong and keep fighting. Will be sending you an e-mail soon! You take care too. (:

@Angie, hello Angeline! I'm really sorry to hear about your uncle's passing. I'm sure he fought the good fight well. May he rest in peace. I will continue this battle of mine too. Thank you so much for leaving a comment.

@Bing, thank you! (:

@Nicolette, hey! In fact, I do know who you are! Sherylee's sister, right? (: Thank you so much for keeping my family and me in your prayers. Also, thanks so much for your comment, it does mean a lot to me. (': Cheers!

@ashL?y~*, you can e-mail me at dancingpapercranes@live.com! And thank you! (:

@ss tan, will be e-mailing you soon!

@nicoleeeee :), I didn't do much for you actually, Nic! But it's the least I can do, since I couldn't offer anything other than emotional support to you then. I really appreciate you and the rest being there for me, you guys mean so much to me as well. (': <3

@sam, will be sending you an e-mail soon!

@Anonymous, I did consider setting up a PayPal account, but things were so hectic back then, and I wasn't up to it physically to doing anything online. This PayPal matter will be brought up in a separate blog entry. Anyway, thanks!

@vanessa, hi! Yes, I do know Nicole and Chiara. (: Financially, I think it's alright for now. So sorry for the late reply! But I do appreciate your wanting to help me out. Thank you so much! :'D

@suelynn, so I heard! I really appreciate that JJ and Kay Kay helped spread the news of my situation, thank to my friends who tweeted them about me. (: Thank you so much, Sue Lynn! I'll be sending you an e-mail as soon as possible. :D

@Weng Hui, hello there! Thank you so much for your comment! (': Will send you an e-mail very soon!

@JieWeN, hello there! Thank you for your encouraging comment. Sorry to hear about your spine problem though, hope it's on its way to getting better. (: I'm happy for you staying strong and striving for the best despite your problem and pains.Your brother is right though - please do not overexert yourself, for it may affect your health even more. Do take care of your health, and cheers!

@Janny1120, thank you so much! Will be dropping you an e-mail soon! (:

@Shawn, hello there! I will contact you through Facebook soon. But just to let everyone know - I am under this haematologist in Kuala Lumpur now. Still, I'll contact you just to let you know that I got your comment. Cheers!

@xiaocass, thank you very much! Glad that my story has touched you somehow. (': Will contact you through e-mail soon!

@mable, will e-mail you soon! And thank you! (:

@Wil Sern, you didn't leave me your contact details, so I'm afraid I can't contact you. Thank you for wanting to help me out though! (:

@Kimberly, oh gosh, I read through your comment again, and I just realised I wasn't supposed to publish it. I'm so sorry! D: Thank you so much for keeping me in your prayers though, I really appreciate the thought a lot. (: And your comment did bring some cheer to me! ;)

@Maureen, no problem at all! I don't expect everyone who know about my condition to contribute. It's the thought that counts, in the end. Thank you for the support! (:

@Sharm, hello there! Thank you for the well wishes and for reading my entries! Your Facebook link has expired, but I think I found your Twitter account. Will contact you soon! (:

@Samantha, hey there! You didn't leave me your contact details, and your Blogger profile link has expired; I can't contact you at the moment. Thank you so much for your wanting to help, though! (:

@Menny aka Carmen, thank you so much for your comment and for keeping me in your prayers! I'll be contacting you through e-mail really soon! (:

@Anonymous, I'll be e-mailing you soon! Thank you for your comment! (:

@Jon, I'll contact you as soon as possible. Thanks!

@sylerhkan, thank you so much for your comment! And don't worry, I don't mind the language at all. Some people may find it vulgar, but it's fine for me. In fact, as vulgar as vulgarities are - sometimes I find them appropriate to describe certain situations in ways that normal words couldn't. Your comment did make me smile, by the way! Thanks once again! :D

@Ju Chin, hey! I'll contact you through Facebook soon. And thanks! (:

@Benetoon aka Bene Chian, I'm really sorry for the late reply! I haven't been online till recently due to me recuperating from my stem cell transplant. I did the transplant at a hospital in KL. Thank you for your concern, but I think it's alright for the time being. :] Cheers!

@SK, I'm really sorry to hear about your mum. Being someone who has a kin/family member that went through blood cancer, I'm sure you understand my predicament, and especially what my family members are going through. Thank you so much for your willingness to help and your encouragement! Hope you're doing well.

@huiyin-denoisemaker, I know I'm blessed because there are a lot of friends and nice people out there who are willing to help me out. (: I'm glad to know that I can be of inspiration to you and the rest! Thank you for your comment and for keeping me in your prayers, I really appreciate it a lot. Hope you're doing fine! Cheers! :D

@Sean, hey Sean! I saw your Facebook message, but I haven't got to replying it yet. I'll reply you there really soon, and thank you so much for the well wishes! (:

@ierawkxz, hello there! It's okay, it's the thought that counts! Thank you for praying for me, and thank you for offering to hear me out when I need someone to talk to. I really appreciate that a lot, since friends are really a huge factor in me staying strong to beat cancer. (: I'll e-mail you very soon! ;)

@Shermaine, hello there! Thank you so much for keeping me in your prayers! I really appreciate that a lot! (': Cheers!

@Anonymous, hello there! I'm pretty stubborn, and I love to learn, so I really would like to continue my studies, given the chance. (: Thank you so much, and I'll be dropping you an e-mail as soon as possible! ;)

@eexuan, will be contacting you very soon! Thank you so much, by the way! (:

@e for ecstasy, I don't have a PayPal account at the moment, but thank you so much for your willingness to help. And thanks for the link as well! I'm sorry to hear about his passing, but I'm sure he fought hard to the very end. Will take some time out to read his entries. Once again, thanks! (:

@Anonymous, yes it is, actually! My treatment has ended for now, and hopefully that's the end of everything! Thank you so much for wanting to help. (:

@janicechian, Janice! I'll contact you through Facebook really soon! Have yet to thank you and Joanne properly. (':'

@Andrea, hello there! Firstly, thank you so much for your encouraging words! (': And also for keeping me in your prayers. As deadly and sucky as cancer is, it's nice to know that I have made many new friends because of this, widening my perspectives in life and getting to know more people from different walks of life. I'll be sending you an e-mail really soon, do keep a lookout for it! Cheers! (:

@meowth aka aileen, thank you so much! Will e-mail you soon!

@ankakashi, I miss you and your flowers. Sigh. (': You're such a dear, Anna-chan. Glad that my blog managed to help you and your mum reconcile, though I doubt that the argument would have lasted long anyway. ;) Can't wait to give you more kitty smiles in person! :P

@missroum87 aka grace, you can contact me at dancingpapercranes@live.com! I can't access to the Facebook link you'd provided though, so I'll try to contact you through your blog instead. Cheers!

@Nessa aka Nadia, hello there! (: Thank you so much for leaving a comment on my blog and for your willingness to help! I'll be sending you an e-mail soon! ;)

@xiao, I don't have a PayPal account, unfortunately. But thank you so much for wanting to help me out! (:

@Anonymous, I live in Johor, Malaysia.

@Anonymous, thank you so much! Yes, I am aware of that, so I definitely won't give up easily. (':

@linz, will be sending you an e-mail soon!

@amalina, thank you so much! Yes, I'll continue to stay strong. (:

@Jane Teh, thank you so much for leaving a comment on my blog! I really appreciate the supportive words. (': Will be contacting you really soon!

@Anonymous, thank you so much! (:

@Adiba, thank you so much! I'll contact you through e-mail really soon! :]

@Anonymous, thank you so much for your wanting to help me, but I do not have a PayPal account and I don't think I'll be opening one anytime soon. I'll explain more in another blog entry. But thanks!

@Stefanie, thanks! Will be sending you an e-mail really soon! (:

@rådicål 'dreámer, I'll still thank you, because it's good manners, it's appropriate and it's the least I can do. Thanks Daniel. (':

@Mcguyver99 aka Andrew, you didn't leave me any contact details, I'll try to contact you through your blogs. Anyway, thanks!

@Anonymous, thanks! Will send you an e-mail soon! (:

@Chuah Siew Lin™, hello there! Thank you so much! I'll definitely stay strong. (:

@Angela, so sorry for the late reply! But thank you so much in putting your effort into making a video for me. I'm still very touched by the video and your gesture. (':

@Anonymous, thank you for the information! Will go and check it out when I can.

@Bro Punna, hello Uncle Punna! Thank you for your well wishes. I'll try to contact you as soon as possible. (:

@Daeng Hanisah A Malek, hey Daeng! Of course I still remember you! (: Thank you so much! I'll try to contact you through Facebook. :]

@Anonymous, will send an e-mail to you soon!

@Anonymous, thank you so much for keeping me in your prayers! Will send an e-mail to you soon!

@Mel Koay, thank you so much for your kind words! I'll send you an e-mail as soon as possible! Cheers! (:

@Kuah Jenhan, will be sending you an e-mail soon! I'm alright with comedy, and thank you so much for the offer! When I've fully recovered and I'm no longer under quarantine, I'll try to make it to watch one of your shows! (: Cheers!

@Anonymous, hello there! Thanks so much! Glad you got your transplant over and done with. Will be contacting you really soon! (:

@Nadya Liew, hey there! I'm really sorry I couldn't reply earlier, I had complications shortly after doing my transplant. Took me some time to recuperate properly. Thank you so much, and to your parents as well! I really appreciate the kind gesture a lot. (:

@elena, thank you so much for the information, Elena! Will be contacting you as soon as possible! (:

@Wan Ting, thank you so much for your well wishes! Will be contacting you through e-mail soon! (:

@Shastri, will be sending you an e-mail soon! And thank you! (:

@Pj, thank you so much for your comment! I'll contact you through e-mail soon. (:

@Elton, thanks so much! Will contact you really soon! (:

@Anonymous, thank you for wanting to help me out! I'll contact you through e-mail as soon as possible! (:

@qqq, yes, I was botak(bald). Not many people can say that they went bald twice throughout their whole lives. You try going bald, and see whether you actually can have the heart to type that comment out to me. (:

@Anonymous, hello Mr. Lim!! I'm so sorry for the late reply! I'll e-mail you really soon okay! Hope you're doing fine! :D

@§pinzer, will do! (:

@Nick, thank you so much for your comment! I've read some of the entries in your blog, and your comment makes a lot of sense. I'll try to personally contact you as soon as possible. Meanwhile, I'm glad you're doing well! Hope your health is improving day by day! (:

@Su Ann, thank you! I won't. (:

@Paul Tan, I'm so sorry for the late reply! I still will contact you soon though. Cheers!

@Vun, hello there! It's not that I didn't want to be specific, it's mainly because I still want to keep some of my social networking site links private and open only to my close friends and acquaintances. I have recently created a new e-mail account specially for my cancer blog, so maybe if you have any queries you can contact me here: dancingpapercranes.live.com. Anyway, thank you for dropping a comment and for wanting to help me out!

@forenseeks, I'm sorry to hear that your uncle has cancer too. I hope he is recovering well, and even better - already fully recovered! Thank you for the information and for keeping me in your prayers, as well. Cheers! (:

@Ken, will send you an e-mail soon!

@xq ♥, hey! Thank you so much! Will contact you soon! (:

@*MysL*, hey Mich! You didn't leave me your contact details, so I don't think I can contact you. :( I don't have a PayPal account though. Anyway, thank you so much for helping me out! I really appreciate the effort. (':

@Cheyenne, will send you an e-mail as soon as possible! Thank you, dear! (:

@Anonymous aka C from Singapore, it's perfectly fine if you can't contribute financially, it's the thought that counts. I really appreciate that a lot. (': Also, thank you so much for your kind comment and for keeping me in your prayers! :'D Cheers!

@hongs, hey! Thank you so much for everything you had done. (: You didn't leave me any contact details, so I really have no idea how to get back to you. D: Hopefully, if you see this reply, and if you still want to contact me, feel free to e-mail me at dancingpapercranes@live.com. Cheers!

@Anonymous, I assume that you are C from Singapore. Thanks! (:

@ℓσgєи αυτhøɾ вєαstlч, will be contacting you really soon! Thank you!

@Missy Sasha N Mini Myra, hello there! Sure I don't mind, you were only trying to help me. (: Besides, I think letting people know about my story can inspire them in one way or another. :] I'll contact you through e-mail really soon! Thank you so much for everything! :D

@Nana, hi there junior! Thanks to you and your friends for wanting to help me out! You didn't leave me your contacts, so I can't get back to you. Still, my sincerest thanks! (:

@Roberto, thank you so much Roberto! (': I'll keep fighting the good fight, no worries there. (:

@S, thank you so much! I'll contact you as soon as possible. (:

@Ccy, it's dancingpapercranes@live.com. Thank you so much for being understanding of my situation. I'll be sending you an e-mail as soon as possible! (:

@Jaynier, I don't have a Maybank account. Sorry!

@Cherly Sim, yes, I'm Malaysian. Oh really? Thanks for the information! You didn't leave me your contacts, so I'm afraid I can't contact you personally. I hope you see this reply, late as it is! And I'm sorry about that. D:

@LadyMichelle, hello there! I'm really sorry for the late reply! D: Thank you so much for wanting to raise funds for me through your school's Interact Club. I already completed my transplant, and I hope that's the end of it! And thanks for the compliment! (:

@Natsu30, hey there! Thank you for your comment! I hope your friend is currently doing well. (: Cheers!

@soowei, thank you so much for the comment! Really appreciated! (:

@shuhui, hey there! I'll contact you really soon! Thank you so much! (:

@Anonymous, thank you! I'll send you an e-mail soon!

@Keshu, awwwww! Thank you so much, Keshu! (': Your comment means a lot to me. :'D I'm so sorry for the late reply though, I'll message you on Facebook as soon as possible. Thanks for putting in so much effort to help me out, I really appreciate that. (: You take care too!

@aishah mokhtar, I have yet to thank you and your friends properly. You and the rest did so much for me, I'm still speechless whenever I think of it. (': Will personally contact you as soon as possible. :'D

@Christine, hello there! Thank you and to your friends for wanting to help me out. (: You didn't leave me any contact details, so I'm sorry I can't get back to you. But anyway, my sincerest thanks! (':

@Dennis Lau, hello Dennis! Thank you for your comment. I will definitely check out the link you had given me. I'm glad to hear that their conditions are under control. (: I'll contact you through e-mail very soon, and thanks once again! :D

@Unknown aka Willy, congratulations for being a cancer survivor. I'm really happy for you. (: I admire my family members too, it hasn't been easy for any of them either. I'll contact you very soon, thank you so much for your comment! :]

@Jinz and Chris, thank you both so much! I'll send an e-mail really soon. (:

@milkway, hello there. I'm really sorry to hear that both your mother and brother are diagnosed with cancer as well. It must be tough on you, and on them as well. I understand that you can't help me financially, it's perfectly fine, really! It's the thought that matters the most. ;) Anyway, I wish you all the best, and I hope their conditions have improved, or better yet, they have already fully recovered from their cancers. (:

@tcs.thecross aka Chee Seng, thank you so much for your comment! I'm glad too for the encouraging words that many have been sending in, they do mean a lot to me while I keep on fighting the good fight. (: Thank you for the prayer, and thank you for doing so much for me! I wish I could contact you personally, but I don't see any contact details provided. Anyway, I hope you see this, because I just want to let you know how thankful I am for the help. (': Cheers!

@Su, thank you so much! I shall contact you through e-mail soon! (:

@Alvin Lee, will do! (:

@musings of a recluse aka Janet, hello there! Thank you so much for keeping me in your prayers as well as for the well wishes! I really appreciate them a lot. (': I'm sorry to hear about your uncle, I hope he's doing much better now! I think if you do regular check-ups and keep healthy, you should be quite alright. (: I'll try to contact you when I can! Cheers! :D

@Tipsy, hello there! Thank you for telling me about the link! I will consider setting up that PayPal account, but I don't think it's anytime soon. I hope your artist friend is doing much better now! Also, I'm happy that your mother has been cancer-free for so long. Hope that good streak continues! ;) Cheers, and thanks again!

@Zahra N Damayanti, hey there! Your ambition is amazing, do keep up the good work! You have my support in becoming a future oncologist. (: Thank you so much for your supportive and encouraging words, and also for keeping me in your prayers! I really appreciate them a lot. (': Sure we can be friends! I'm always up for new friendships. ;) I'll contact you as soon as possible! Meanwhile, I hope you're doing well! Cheers! :D

@Anonymous, I prefer to keep my Facebook account as private as possible. You can contact me through this email though: dancingpapercranes@live.com. Thank you so much, anyway!

@Emalina, hello there! I'm really sorry to hear about your father's passing. I hope you and your family are doing alright and staying strong. *hugs* Thank you so much for your willingness to help! Unfortunately, I'm under quarantine, so I don't think I can visit your school at the moment. I'll contact you really soon! Thanks again, Emalina!

@tanwenmin, hello there Wen Min! Yes, she has contacted me, if Jade and Jadeline are the same person we're talking about. (: I'm really grateful for the effort you, Jadeline and everyone else from your church who were involved in raising funds for me. My sincerest thanks from my family and I. (': Thanks for your comment too! :D

@YSL, thank you for your comment! Appreciated. (:

@Amelia, nope, it's not belated at all, no worries about that! (: I'll contact you as soon as possible! Thanks so much! :]

***I started typing out replies from 11.00 this morning, and it's already 8.00 at night. My eyes are getting blurry, and I hope I didn't accidentally miss anyone out! If I did, I'm truly sorry about it.

Cheers!

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I have been trying my best to keep myself fairly busy, without overtiring myself. Sometimes, I still have this mentality that I am still a normal, healthy person and I can afford to exert myself occasionally. Unfortunately, I will only realise the consequences after I unconsciously physically tire myself out.

Anyway, I feel slightly more alert nowadays. I'm assuming it should be due to the steroids I have been prescribed by my doctor. Currently on more oral medication to hopefully stabilize my condition after the completion of my stem cell transplant.

It’s been tough, that I won’t deny.

It has been ages since I gave a proper update, so in this entry I think I'm going to clarify some matters that were of concern since the start of my transplant till now.

Bone marrow transplant? Stem cell transplant? Huh?
A lot of you are confused regarding this matter. I can understand, because if I wasn't diagnosed with cancer - I wouldn't have known any better either.

When I first started treatment in KL, my doctor told me that I have to undergo a bone marrow transplant. Therefore, that's exactly what I wrote on this blog for everyone to know. I have to go for a bone marrow transplant.

Afterwards, I started using the phrase 'stem cell transplant' in my blog. People starting asking me,

"Leonie, are you going through two different kinds of treatment now?"

"What happened to the plan of you going for a bone marrow transplant?"

"What's a stem cell transplant?"

"Leonie, you have to go through this major operation for your bone marrow transplant right?
The list of such questions goes on and on.

Okay, I'll do my best to answer these questions without adding any inaccurate information by complete accident. But you have been warned, I'm only explaining with my current level of understanding and knowledge. I'm not the doctor nor the expert here, so if I happen to get any facts wrong - don't sue me.

Apparently, bone marrow transplant = stem cell transplant. The common idea of having to undergo a bone marrow transplant in the minds of the general public is the patient and the donor are required to be given general anaesthesia(GA), i.e. both patients are unconscious during the operation. A part of the bone marrow is extracted from the donor, and that part is given to the patient - all these happen during the surgery.

With the advancement in medical science, we now have this procedure called the stem cell transplant. It works the same way as the bone marrow transplant, but the procedures are different.

The treatment I went through required me to have a CVC line inserted at my neck(this was a minor operation by the way, only local anaesthesia(LA) was administed at my neck). This functions to extract my blood from my body and through this medical equipment – separates the different kinds of cells in your blood. After that, the stem cells are preserved till the patient's transplant. High dose chemotherapy is given, and the stem cells returned to the patient.

I wasn't knocked out in any way at all.

This treatment I went through is also known as autologous stem cell transplantation.

Life during/after the transplant.
It didn’t make any difference being discharged from the hospital after I was done with my transplant. (I was there for approximately three weeks for my transplant.) I was re-admitted again and again due to quite serious cases of blood infection that caused me to have high fever that nearly hit 40°C. You do the math. All I can tell you is that my head feels really sore after so many bouts of high fever; my brain’s been getting stressed out a lot.

It’s definitely not easy for my parents either, having to rush me all the way to the hospital in KL. Mind you, that’s five hours of driving for my dad and exhaustion, stress and unhealthy meals for both my parents. Not forgetting the costs of staying in the hospital to get treatment. Worrying my brother as well, knowing that he lives in another part of KL and despite his busy schedule in university and all – wants to come over and keep me company.

Did I mention that I have very supportive and awesome family members? Yeah, I think I mentioned that before.

I really hope that’s the end of all that.

While the cells are readjusting themselves in the body post-transplant, patients will go through a variety of side effects. Some of the unfortunate events I went through are:

1. Vomiting blood. Twice. This caused some commotion for the nurses and my doctor. I then found out that the news of me vomitting blood had spread to nearly all of the staff in the entire bulding. Go figure.
   
   
2. More bouts of high fever, causing me to feel extremely cold and shiver a lot. I remember needing to have three to four layers of blankets in attempt to help me feel more comfortable, plus I wore mittens, socks and a wool hat. A few nurses said that I looked like I was all geared up for winter, ready for a skiing trip. I'll leave it to your imagination.
   
   
3. More vomiting...
   
   
4. A very bad sore throat and tongue. Swallowing was really a pain. It's very similar to what I had to go through before, and you can read about it here. Felt more awful though throughout the treatment process.

All these, went on for about two months or so. I didn't want to worry anybody on purpose, you see. You try going through all the shit I had to go through, and see whether you're fit good enough to go online and respond to people, even if you've really wanted to.

This is just a scam! They are just con artists!
As a result, my family and I were accused of cheating people of their money, and running off after getting their cash. Some said that my parents were using me or taking advantage of me to con people of their money. Others said that I edited my photo to look bald, and convince people that I have cancer.


I wish some people would just have some common sense for a bit!

Cancer isn't funny at all. Cancer is something so serious, it is capable of taking your loved ones' lives away.

Who bloody wants to end up with cancer anyway? Definitely no one, of course!

Cancer is not a joking matter. Seriously, to all of you who have thought this way - my family and I are seriously hurt by your remarks. Honestly, I really want sincere apologies from each and every one of you idiots!

But as of now, all I want to do is to fully recover. Cause my parents, my friends, my loved ones, or anybody that knows me - less worry, less sadness.

I would like to use vulgarities in the entry to release my anger for the people as I've described earlier, but I rather not. At least, not for now.

A note to these people: I have no reason to cheat any of you. If you choose not to believe me, and still think that I faked cancer(PFFFFT!) - that's all up to you. I didn't do anything wrong, and I don't see any need to explain myself to convince you. Stay in that little box of yours, and rot there for all I care. I'm too tired, and I rather save my energy to recuperate properly. So there!

All this drama makes me so grateful and glad that there are still good Samaritans out there who are willing to help me out. (I'm going to leave this to another entry, good people deserve a nice, long post about them all to themselves!)

***I'm going to stop here for the moment. If I keep this entry too long, nobody would bother to read it.

I FIND IT EXCEPTIONALLY ANNOYING THAT PEOPLE STILL ASK ME QUESTIONS REPEATEDLY WHEN I HAVE ALREADY ANSWERED THEM IN MY BLOG.

FIRST, SOME OF YOU SAY THAT I'M CAUSING PEOPLE TO WORRY ABOUT MY CONDITION BY NOT UDPATING.

SO I UPDATED.

BUT THEN, THESE SAME PEOPLE JUST HAVE TO ASK ME THE SAME FREAKING QUESTIONS THAT I HAVE JUST ANSWERED ON MY BLOG!

TELL ME, WHAT IS THE POINT OF ME BLOGGING IF YOU AREN'T EVEN GOING TO READ IT? YET, YOU ALL ARE BEING SUCH HYPOCRITES FOR PESTERING ME TO UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE!

I am trying my best to rest more, to recover quickly from cancer. And this is what I get in return.

Oh gosh, is it that hard to get a little bit of understanding from people like them?

Again, I am grateful to those who do understand. Thank you, you and you!

I realised that I've just blogged these pent-up emotions I have been keeping to myself since the start of my transplant.

I do feel a little bit better, but there are still unsettled issues. I'll blog about them another time.

Meanwhile, I hope this entry is satisfying to everyone - both the good, and the bad.

Cheers!

Labels: i'm grateful and blessed for.., lymphoma and me, medical procedures

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Edits are going on in this cancer blog of mine. I have added another page, and it's mainly about my treatment course since the start of my cancer journey. I hope I didn't miss any important details, but it's certainly full of just that - details. To those of you who are new here, or would like to know of what I have been going through - more precise information is available here.

Cheers!

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It's not easy moderating so many comments. I wonder how famous bloggers handle their fans/haters' comments.

Hopefully, I didn't accidentally publish a comment that was not meant to be published; the people who wanted to be kept anonymous or posted their contact details.

There were one or two comments that had contact numbers. Even though it wasn't mentioned, but I didn't publish those either. I don't think they will appreciate prank calls or having their contact numbers exposed. From personal experience, I know I don't.

I think I will dedicate an entire blog entry to replying these comments.

Meanwhile, I will do my best to maintain this blogging spirit and update as often as possible about exactly what I had been through to those of you who frequently ask.

Also, I added a new page for this blog. If you look beneath my blog banner and next to the word 'Home', I dedicated my 'Inspiration' page to this amazing individual. Personally, I really hope that any one of you readers will take some time off to read about her. She's more amazing and tougher than me, and ever will be.

Cheers!

Labels: general

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Today marks the 100th day since my stem cell transplant.

Even though the side effects from treatment are still causing me discomforts, I guess it'll cause less worry among my friends, readers and anyone who knows me well with an update.

I'll try and keep this short and concise. (It'll be hard though, I have a lot to say; do bear with me.)

1. Words will never be enough to describe how thankful I am for everyone's generous contributions. (I'll appreciate it a lot if some of you do not use the word 'donations'. It makes me sound like I'm a charity case. Or am I, without me realising it...?) They have definitely helped. I just hope that I can recover soon and have no more relapses so I don't have to burden my parents more; them spending so much money on me when we're not from a well-to-do family. I will always feel guilty for that.
   
   
2. I will definitely thank each and every single person that had contributed personally to those who had informed me of their details or/and their friends' and family members' details. It will take a lot of time though, please be and stay understanding of my condition. One of the main reasons why I haven't been updating is because I get very tired easily nowadays: it's a common side effect from the transplant.
   
   
3. I am recuperating from my stem cell transplant, but I sincerely have no idea whether I'm on the road to recovery or not. The point is:
   
   Recuperating ≠ Recovering.
   Frankly, who doesn't hope for the latter? I wish I have X-ray vision to see whether there is any growth of anything abnormal or not, so I not only cannot give an answer to every concerned individual who asks, but also to my family and myself. It is worrying whenever I feel a pain here or there, I'll get paranoid about it and worry that my cancer may be back to haunt me. You'll be doing me a huge favour by not asking, because I feel guilty that I cannot produce an answer for you. Many thanks in advance.
   
   
4. I am under quarantine. Strictly no visitors allowed, I'm sorry to say. I do miss my friends a lot and it upsets me whenever I have to reject any of my friends who wants to visit and keep me company(and sane, as well). I'm sorry, and truly am.
   
   
5. Every comment and tag, I had read. I really appreciate them so much; all this support is a good reason for me to stay positive and strong whenever I get discouraged about my condition. I really would like to respond to everyone, but I find it not possible at the moment. But sincerely, thank you, you and you.
   
   
6. As much as they are filled with good intentions, please think before you ask me any questions. Some of them are not only offensive, but also very hurtful. I can't expect everyone to understand, because all of you are healthy people while I'm the one stuck with cancer. From a cancer patient's point of view, I believe that generally, only cancer patients(in my case, blood cancer patients) can really understand how I feel and what I'm coping with; the physical discomforts, the emotional breakdowns, the limitations, the challenge to maintain positive, happy and content just to see the light of another day.
   
   
7. Emotions-wise, I have been feeling like a wreck very often. The smallest of matters can trigger me to cry and actually sob loudly(I don't know what my neighbours will think of me, but what the heck). It's not normal to me; I was very good at holding back my tears during my pre-cancer days. Then, if I ever was caught crying in public(which was super rare) - you'll know that I'm really very upset. Now? The tears come too fast, and too much for my liking. I really hate that I cannot control my emotions as well as before. That definitely adds to my feeling extremely useless. Another reason why I didn't update earlier - I don't want my blog posts to be full of anger and frustration. I don't find entries filled with such negativity of much substance.
   
   
8. Facebook is killing me. I do want to know what my friends are up to. I admit - I badly want to fit in and keep myself updated with their lives. It's like an addiction for me who has to stay at home and get cooped up all day long - with only the television and laptop for company. But, I get jealous of my friends posting photos of them with other friends; living normal lives and especially the girls - looking beautiful and just awesome. I can't force them to post what I want to see and not post what gets me upset, that would just be mean and selfish of me. But I won't deny, it hurts. I look at myself - bald, unhealthy and useless. I don't feel good about myself, not one bit.
   
   
9. I'm getting tired. Really tired. When will freedom arrive? When can I fully recover, and recover the life I'm supposed to have? It's so hard to stay positive as time goes by. Giving up is definitely not an option, but fighting on is just as difficult.
   

Labels: lymphoma and me, musings

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I am not exaggerating, but my parents are draining their savings empty and spent pretty much every dollar, cent and dime just to fund for my treatments since July 2010.

It doesn't help that the current treatment I'm undergoing now, which is the stem cell transplant - is the most costly out of all of the medical procedures I've been through.

My parents are aware that I actually am desperate to start studying in college. So they still refuse to touch my college fund, unless it is the last final resort.

Friends, old and new...

This is a sincere plea for help from me,
on behalf of my immediate family members -
my parents and my elder brother.
We are really low on cash. I hate to have to ask for help, but seeing how tough it is for both my parents to pay for all those costly medical bills and my brother for being considerate to consider our spendings and tries to save as much as he can so he can relieve my parents of some burden. He's still studying in university, and the last thing I want to see that happens is my brother dropping out of his course just to help support me. I'm already robbed of my chance of an education, so why rob my brother of his?

At least, if I ever were to unfortunately die - my brother will have enough qualifications to find a better job and support my parents in the future.

At the very least, this is what everyone in my family deserves for taking such great care of me throughout my course of treatment. In fact, since I was born to be exact!

I was given a chance to live, yet it is not for me to choose how long I can live this life as my current identity. I have to say, I'm thankful for having the chance to be born as Leonie. Someone who isn't your typical ordinary person, yet still uniquely me - learning something new everyday and meeting new people; creating new experiences and memories for me.

I truly do not know how much longer my cancer journey is going to take. I don't know how many types of treatment I still have to face after this. I still have no idea how much longer I'm going to live.

Please spread the word around for me. If there is anything you need to know such as my bank account details, approximate cost of treatment, etc., feel free to inbox me through Facebook or leave me a comment on this blog. If you prefer to be kept anonymous, I will not publish your comment - but please leave me your email, contact number, Facebook profile or anything that will make it easier and convenient to discuss everything out.

You have my utmost, sincerest thanks.

Thank you for taking the time to read this entry, and thank you for spreading the word around.

I really hope to hear some good news soon. (':

Labels: general, i'm grateful and blessed for.., lymphoma and me, medical procedures, musings

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Hello readers.

I haven't been online for the past few days. I've been busy packing for my one-month stint in the hospital for my stem cell transplant. Today is only the third day, and things are not going so well as I thought they would hopefully go. Sigh.

I already felt homesick since day one, knowing it would be a long time before I get to see home again. It also didn't help at all that my supposed three-week stay here got extended to an entire month, as this detail got conveniently left out by my doctor. No thanks to him here! (The more sensible side of me know that the extra one-week stay is for observation purposes once all the necessary procedures are completed, but I'm currently feeling very stressed out, frustrated, angsty and whiny all at the same time, so do bear with me please.)

The first day wasn't too bad, until I found out I had two injections and six pills/tablets to swallow before I went to bed. One injection serves to thin my blood because as there is a risk of my blood clotting and causing complications during my high-dose chemotherapy sessions (to be done six days continuously, starting from yesterday onwards), another is a kind of vitamin, i.e. Vitamin B12. The former is a daily injection - but it cannot be injected into my body through my PICC line. It has to be done subcutaneously at my stomach. Trust me, I'm no big fan of needles at all.

Yesterday morning, I had to go through this contract/consent form that was penned out by a lawyer (another random fact courtesy of my doctor) and I started to feel depressed because of it. Secretly, I was also tearing up but of course I was not going to let my parents see that! Basically, it described the procedures of my stem cell transplant, the types of chemotherapy drugs administed to me throughout the course of this treatment, possible side effects (I felt like I wanted to just break down when I saw that one of it was death. Less than 10% of patients who had gone through with this treatment died. Who knows, I might be in that unlucky 10%? I already feel unlucky enough to be diagnosed with cancer, with no obvious sign of total recovery.), and what has to be done if so-and-so happens.

I felt like hope has really dimmed out for me. I am truly aware that there are kids, the elderly, or anybody out there that could be living a harder life than mine. I should be blessed for what I already have at the moment and how I managed to complete my basic education before moving on to this more complex and difficult part of my cancer journey.


I'mt not going to lie, nor am I going to make matters sound more dramatic than they already are - but it's the plain truth, things are getting very complicated regarding my condition.

Last year, my cancer was still considered under control. Now, it's getting more aggressive. I don't exactly know how to describe this to everyone, but since starting my second chemotherapy session in April - I can feel myself getting a whole lot better, then a whole lot worse. After each chemotherapy session (I had three, so far), I'll suffer from the side effects, then get better, and then when I go back to the hospital for my next check-up - the results of my blood tests show that my cancer cells have gone back up in high amounts. Before the results of the blood tests are out, I can already feel the cancer cells are growing again inside my body a few days prior to me going for my scheduled blood tests.

It scares me really that everything is so uncertain. It scares me that I could die and not wake up in this realm again, when I have so much left that isn't done. It scares me that this stem cell transplant isn't going to cure me 100%. It scares me that this transplant isn't the last of my treatment course. It scares me that I'm most probably going to need another six months to a year in getting rid of all of the cancers cells inside my body. It scares me that everything is so expensive, my parents are really financially burdened, and it pains me so badly that I'm unable to work, not even as a simple waitress or a dishwasher maybe to relieve them of this burden.

It saddens me that I haven't met up with my friends for a long time, then it scares me that my friends are eventually going to forget about an existence of an old friend named Leonie, whether I'm alive or dead. I do miss them so much, and it hurts to feel so left out from so many things, in terms of education, events, getting to know new friends, or just hanging out. The sad truth? Friends are just going to mourn about me for a while when I'm dead, and then move on with their individual lives. I know that wouldn't be the same for my family though, there is some comfort in that - but it saddens me again once more that they're the ones who are going to suffer from emotional and financial pain if I happen to not survive from this ordeal.

I am tearing up so badly from typing this post out, but my mum is nearby and I don't want her to see me cry.

I regret not taking my health too seriously, I was stupid for trying to complete all of my school assignments and stay up really late into the night and not getting enough rest, when I should have just given up and get punished by the teachers. Even though I'll get a bad name in school, at least there's a chance I'll be a healthier person than now and I get to enjoy life after high school. I regret not having enough fluids in my body, since I wasn't a big fan of drinking lots of water before. I regret for not treasuring my life before this, when now I'm just struggling to keep myself alive and well.

I'm getting tired from all of this cancer shit, I'm not going to deny. It has cost not only me, but also my family members and my closest of friends a lot. I'm not as strong as everybody thinks I am. I'm trying to be an inspiration to people, to let them know that their lives aren't bad at all compared to mine, to let them know not to take anything in their lives for granted. But it's getting hard to remain positive and optimistic.

I'm sorry, I do have my moments when I feel awful like this. Instead of criticising me and telling me off for these emotional breakdowns and giving some of you the impression that I'm being a weakling, like some of you unfortunately do - please, if you're truly a friend, I really need your continuous support, love, prayers and encouragement. You have my most sincerest thanks and no words can describe how grateful I am just to have all that from all of you.

I am going to feel extreme fatigue throughout my current treatment. I might be too tired to go online at all for the next month, or I might be able to go online once in a while, but I will not be able to respond to anyone if I get too tired. I'll be reading your comments, so do know that I appreciate them so much.

Till then, stay happy and healthy everyone. No matter how bad you think your life is, know that there is this blogger and cancer patient who has it worse than you, and you have no idea how much I want to live your life.

Labels: lymphoma and me, medical procedures, musings

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Hello readers! This isn't going to be a very long entry, but I just thought I felt like sharing this little experience of mine while I was in the hospital last Tuesday - the day I published my previous entry.

I did mention that I had my stem cells extracted and collected for harvesting. During the start of my session, I felt my chair vibrate. I thought it was just the machine producing strong vibrations, hence causing the chair to vibrate. I shrugged the thought away and continued observing the machine; being in awe of its complexity.

Then, the bed that was in the room started to shake as well. I assumed it was just me feeling dizzy since I was having my blood extracted from my body for filtering. My assumption continues for the next few seconds till one of the oncology nurses who was using the bed as a makeshift table jumped up from her chair so suddenly, and started asking both my parents who were there, "Did you feel that too? The place is shaking!"

My parents felt the tremors too. I then realised that the vibrations from the chair I was sitting on wasn't because of the machine, but from the earthquake that happened in Indonesia on the same day.

I am very lucky in the sense that we only felt the tremors, and things weren't too serious. Imagine me having to evacuate the hospital with me connected to one complicated and heavy machine! (I was on the fifth floor by the way.) Not forgetting the patients who are undergoing surgeries and other complex medical procedures, because quite a number of Malaysians who felt the tremors are forced to evacuate the buildings they were in.

The last time I experienced tremors was back when I was still in secondary school. I was attending a Japanese class when suddenly the tables and chairs in the classroom started to shake!

I'm thankful I'm living in Malaysia, where we are earthquake-free at the moment. Hopefully we all can stay safe with all these natural disasters happening around the world.

Cheers!

Labels: i'm grateful and blessed for.., musings

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Hello readers! I shall try not to type anything irrelevant and focus on just the events that occured since my last entry.

Firstly, I had a PICC line and CVC line inserted.

The former is done because:

1. I require multiple blood and platelet transfusions due to my low blood counts caused by chemotherapy.
   
2. I require multiple blood tests which needed blood to be drawn out quite frequently.
3. It is needed for my bone marrow transplant. I'll have to undergo a high-dose chemotherapy to kill basically nearly every living cell in my body - both cancerous and non-cancerous cells.
4. It will certainly make my life slightly easier, because then I won't need to have needles poked/inserted into me many times. With a low platelet count, my blood can't clot easily like an average healthy person, i.e. there's a possibility that I can literally bleed to death. Scarring will also be more serious, and both new scars and old take a much longer time to heal.
   

The latter is done because I need to have my stem cells extracted for harvesting for my bone marrow transplant. I went for one session yesterday, and another earlier in the morning. Hopefully I had enough stem cells collected, or I'll have to go for another session. It's quite a tiring procedure, because from how I see it - stem cell extraction works like kidney dialysis. How I would bluntly describe the process - many tubes are connected to my CVC line and to this machine, which takes my blood out and extracts my stem cells. This takes around three to four hours, maybe longer. Not something I would ever like to experience again, really.

Secondly, I have been in KL staying in the hospital for long periods of time. I can hardly remember how home in JB looks like, since I have been away so much. The moment I'm admitted, I never see the light of day(the view from the window doesn't count) till I'm discharged. And when I'm here, I normally have to stay for a minimum of five days. Go figure.

Thirdly, my side effects are really a killer this time. I'm not going to mention each and every one of them here, but I'll talk about the one that bugged me the most. I had this sore throat that was so severe, words like 'awful' and 'horrible' aren't enough to describe how bad it affected me. Something simple like swallowing became such a chore! I would equate the pain to having someone force a small sharp-edged rock down your throat. Now, imagine that kind of pain every time you have to swallow food, water and even just saliva. Not forgetting that I also had pills to take. The pain was really so bad, I tear up every time I had to swallow anything. It didn't help that I had ulcers all over my gums and tongue which conveniently multiplied the pain and discomfort of eating and drinking. Lesson learnt here - never take eating and drinking for granted. I feel lucky that I didn't need to be fed through a tube. So should all of you normal, healthy people!

Fourthly, I am recovering from a blood infection. It caused me to have a fever of the highest temperature yet - 39.8°C. I am very glad I am still sane enough to type this entry out.

Last but not least, I am proud to say that I am bald again. Like hey, which other girl you know is willing to go bald not once, but twice and had actually done it? The whole hair loss episode haunted me again shortly before me returning to KL for my third chemotherapy session. I thought it would be more practical to just shave all my hair off and spend my endurance in facing the gruelling side effects of treatment. My mum mentioned to me about getting me a wig a few times with my dad supporting the idea, but I declined. I mean, to invest in a good wig is quite pricey and my parents are already spending a whole lot of cash just to get me well and treated. I honestly don't want to add to their already existing burden because I'm insecure about my looks! I personally know that I will definitely rant about my insecurities here one day about how I currently look like, but I don't think that's going to be the main issue for now. And truthfully, it never will be.

*I kept this blog locked for a few days because I wanted to make some minor changes to the layout and make it more reader-friendly. I blame fatigue for not letting me do it all in a few short hours, which is why it took me a couple of days to sort everything out. I'll add in new things here and there once in a while, so if you're not too busy with your current lives do feel free to drop by!

I hate to sound like a parrot, but to those who are truly concerned about me, have been leaving me really nice messages on Facebook and remembering me in their prayers - they have my sincerest thanks. I also apologise for not replying to everyone that contacted me. The people-pleaser part in me is nagging at me a lot, and I feel obliged to reply - which brings up this immense guilt in me every single day. I do feel bad for not responding right away and possibly making people worry, but I'm just not up to it with my current energy levels. It might be too much to ask, but I hope that everyone can try to understand this, forgive me for very late responses that may come months after you contacted me and not assume what you don't know. To be assured of that will seriously make me feel a lot better about myself and going through treatment won't be all that bad after all. (:

Cheers!

Labels: i'm grateful and blessed for.., lymphoma and me, medical procedures

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Hello dear readers!

After two gruelling weeks, I am finally able to update everyone about what's going on in my once again chaotic battle against cancer.

Please click on the links provided if you need definitions of certain medical terms and maybe a clearer picture of what I'm trying to explain regarding my condition. (:

*A fortnight ago, I found out that the right side of my abdomen had been feeling sore. The soreness was so bad, it made me lose sleep at night. I had this coughing fit which has been going on for a month, and to those who are aware of my condition - me coughing non-stop was the major symptom that led me to finding out I had cancer. I consumed three bottles of cough syrup and there was no sign of me recovering. My oncologist in Johor Bahru also diagnosed me with a severe case of pharyngitis. I also have frequent bouts of fever exceeding 38.0°C. According to my oncologist, other than the soreness I experienced - the other symptoms were most likely to be side effects from the 25 fractions of radiotherapy I went through.

I made many trips back to the hospital to see my oncologist as my symptoms were still there after being on constant oral medication for a month. Finally, when I brought up the topic of my soreness to my oncologist - he told me that he felt a ballotable mass somewhere near my right kidney. He advised my parents and I to bring forward my PET scan.

I went for the scan the very next day, and the results were..I wouldn't say shocking, but it's certainly not optimistic at all.

My parents and I found out from the radiologist that even though the original tumour that I had had shrunk tremendously from approximately 6cm to 1.3cm, it was still there. What's more, I have five new tumours in my body - two of them being really large tumours surrounding both my kidneys, and three more smaller ones that are in positions near my lumbar vertebrae. The smaller tumours that are affecting my backbone has caused my diaphragm to be slightly dysfunctional - hence me having slight breathing difficulties, causing the sore throat and the cough. My kidneys were still functioning normally, fortunately, so nobody suspected anything like this to happen.

Surprisingly, I didn't cry hearing all that. I surprised even myself when I still managed to speak optimistically about the whole situation. I didn't even tear up. Anybody would think that I might be too taken aback by the relapse of my cancer in just three short months, and had gone disturbingly positive in reaction to such major news. But really, I just couldn't cry. What I do know - I need to seek treatment immediately.

Right after I got the results of my scan, it's back to my oncologist's clinic - and he and my haematologist in Malacca both decided that I need to go for further treatment in KL.

On the 11th of April, my parents and I went to KL. I was admitted into the hospital on that day itself. I had my bone marrow cells extracted for a biopsy and the stem cells preserved for a bone marrow transplant. (I might blog about this process in a separate blog entry.)

The next morning, I started a new course of chemotherapy with stronger drugs than those used previously for my chemotherapy sessions in Malacca last year. My first session lasted for three days continuously. I managed to stay alert for the first day, but then I eventually felt extreme fatigue and constantly slept the hours away. I had steroids given through my IV drip so many times, I lost count. The only thing I know is that the steroids have this nauseating smell, and whenever it's given to me, my arm hurt because of the pressure in my vein. (I really hate steroids, but it's vital in my course of treatment, so I guess I just have to deal with it.)

Recuperating from this chemotherapy session was nearly like living hell to not just me, but also to both my parents. I felt tired all the time, and I constantly felt weak and exhausted. I didn't have the energy to walk, to move around, to even eat or drink anything. It didn't help that the side effects of chemotherapy made me feel even worse than ever. I lost my sense of taste, and my saliva tasted like vomit. I kid you not. Food tasted terrible, and drinking any form of liquids was torturous to me. Yet, I needed to eat because I'm on oral medication and I got underweight all of a sudden. I looked like an anorexic, and I could see my bones jutting out. My physical appearance really disturbed me, and for the first time in battling cancer - I really felt like I was in the depths of despair, and nobody could pull me out. And no, I'm really not exaggerating.


Thankfully, despite me still having some of those fears - I am recovering. I know it.

I just still need to keep fighting for my life. There may be times when I feel like giving up, but I definitely won't back out no matter what.

Especially with the fact that I have so much encouragement and support from all of you readers that are truly concerned about my plight! I appreciate the texts and supportive words on my Facebook wall; they really made me stronger and cemented my drive to continue fighting cancer and not let anybody down. I'll try my best to respond to everyone, but I just want to let everyone know - I truly appreciate every single wall post, every single text, every single blog entry, every single call, every single prayer. Words are seriously not enough to describe how loved I feel, and how thankful and grateful I am.

And also, thank you to everyone who remembered my birthday! I celebrated my 18th birthday with my parents. Nothing elaborate, just a simple day out in Malacca without a worry or care about any future ordeals I have to face. I'll also try to say my thank yous to everyone who wished me!

I do apologise to my friends who called me on my birthday, but I didn't answer any of your calls. For your information, another side effect from my recent chemotherapy session is that I now have partial hearing loss affecting both my ears. I was particularly extra deaf during my birthday, so I didn't answer any phone calls because I wouldn't be able to hear a word you say. In case you're wondering how severe this problem is to me, I can hardly hear myself talking to my parents or the doctor and have to resort to near-screams to be able to at least hear myself. Crossing roads or being at a car park is even worse - I cannot estimate the distance of vehicles from me. A car can just zoom from behind me, screeching tires and all, but I either wouldn't know there's a car speeding behind me or I still think the car is quite a distance away from me. Honestly, I nearly got knocked down by a few cars because of this problem...Thankfully, my parents now know better and they now have to hold my hand to ensure I don't just wander off and make myself a danger to..well, myself.

I made a joke that even if cancer and my treatment course won't kill me first, a car accident would. I don't think my parents found it very funny. Oh well, so much for being an optimist! Hahah.

I hope everybody is satisfied with this update, and I hope this entry can take some worries out of your mind. :D

Cheers, and to all my Christian friends - Happy Easter Sunday!

Labels: i'm grateful and blessed for.., lymphoma and me, medical procedures

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Shin.1966 - 2009. "She lives forever in the hearts of those who knew her, and know of her."
I watched a documentary about her battle against cancer on Mediacorp's Channel 8 in 2008, back when I was still fifteen. I was really touched by her strong will and constant optimism despite her condition.

I found her blog and sent her an e-mail, expressing how wowed I am by her. All I wanted then was to tell her to keep up the good fight, and she was doing at good job at it; I learnt a lot about life in that one night through her documentary and blog entries than in my fifteen years of living life - complaining and whining when I was actually one lucky brat. I honestly didn't expect her to reply.

Guess what? She did.

I would like to share her reply to me with all of my readers. It also works as a reminder to me that I should keep up the good fight as well. I hope she doesn't mind, but I personally don't think she will; bless her good soul.

11th November 2008.

Leonie,

Thanks for your kind e-mail. It's taken me a while to respond because I only just saw it. I look at my Gmail account once every week or so. This Yahoo account is more reliable if you want to contact me.

I truly appreciate your words of praise and encouragement.

You say that you're a 15-year-old Malaysian student and that you're not good with words? You should know that your short note was more articulate, well-written, and intelligently expressed than most of the comments I've been getting - many of them, adult professionals.

I don't know what you plan on doing with your future, but with your gift of expression, I think you've got a bright future ahead of you, professionally. And more important, you seem to have a maturity and insight beyond your age. I'm betting that you go on do something great with your life - not in terms of money or fame, but something that will make a difference to the people and the community around you.

Thanks, and good luck to you.

Shin

*** Shin had really good foresight. Even if I personally don't think so, I guess my friends, acquaintances, and strangers who have got to know of my cancer journey will agree that I did manage to 'make a difference to the people and the community around me.'

Rest in peace, Shin. My only regret then was that I didn't get to reply your e-mail in time. Cancer took you away not long after, and this will always bug my conscience for being such a procrastinator.

But you have enlightened me in so many ways, and you continue to live in my heart as my inspiration to keep up the good fight.

Keep up the good fight. That should work well as a personal motto.

To my readers who want to know more of this amazing person, do visit her blog at http://shinscancerblog.blogspot.com and watch the documentary I watched by clicking on this link.

Thank you Shin. Thank you for making such a difference to my life.

©Photo of Shin belongs to her family members.

Click hereto go back to reading.

Hello dear readers!

It's already going to be February very soon. Tomorrow, to be exact.

I'm going to make this a quick one, but it's definitely going to be slightly more detailed than my previous entry.

Recently, I have been going for radiotherapy sessions (again). The usual staff are still there, and they still remember me. Of course, no one is happy that I have to go for more fractions. It does make things easier for me; the familiar surroundings, En. Owl the joker and Kak N the sisterly figure (real names shall not be revealed here, since they are medical staff) and knowing the procedures without feeling all awkward.

I'm not let off from the side effects, though.

Since my PET scan results from last December showed that I still have this one tumour (whether it's a relapse of my cancer or my transplant unfortunately did not work out as well as everyone thought, it remains unknown. Still, I strongly believe it's the former. There are the results from various blood tests to support my opinion, even if I'm not a certified doctor or MO of any kind) at my left kidney, I was advised to go for radiotherapy once more.

According to my doctor in KL, chemotherapy won't work for me anymore; I was administered the strongest dosage prior to my stem cell transplant, and the cancer cells in my body showed resistance, apparently. Also, there's no point in damaging my healthy cells with more chemotherapy, since it isn't going to work.

So, it's daily trips to the hospital again.

All this at the expense of something - I'll lose the function of my left kidney.

The kidney is quite a fragile organ, it seems. It cannot receive more than a certain amount of radiation, or else it faces major damage.

In my case, it's either sacrificing one kidney, or sacrificing my life.

With the choices given, it's not that hard to decide, really.

I'm getting tired. Tired of all the treatments, tired of burdening my loved ones, tired of worrying the people who care for me. It hurts to see their worn-out faces too.

Will it be too much to ask for cancer to go away already and for me to get through this ordeal?

With the experience I've gained from fighting cancer, I certainly could do inspiring more people with my story. Or helping those in need now. I'm not too used being the one who needs help, to be honest. It kind of makes me feel extremely vulnerable, somehow. And I certainly don't like feeling that way.

Oh, and I don't need anybody to tell me that it's the journey that matters, and not the destination.

You guys have no idea how aware I am of that.

Till another longer post, I hope!

Happy Chinese New Year to all who celebrates it! (Technically, it lasts for 15 days, so I'm not late!)

Cheers!

Labels: i'm grateful and blessed for.., lymphoma and me, medical procedures, musings

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Hello readers.

I feel obliged to apologise to everyone because I haven't been updating, but I think I'm not going to.

The pleasing disease needs to be cured. Or cancer won't.

All that everyone needs to know for now:

Cancer is back in my life once more.
I'll give the details later.

For now, I'll just like to spend some time with my family.

By the way, hope this new layout is well-received!

Cheers.

Labels: general, lymphoma and me

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Hello again, readers!

This entry is dedicated to everybody who left me tags in my Cbox. Unfortunately, I think some of them got deleted because there were too many words of encouragement and support(my sincerest thanks to everyone who left me a tag!), and at that time I didn't change my settings for my Cbox accountto keep more messages. I managed to retrieve most of them; those that I didn't manage to retrieve back, I really cannot reply you but I can only give you my thanks for your encouraging words and for some of you, suggestions of alternative treatments.

I'll be replying tags from the earliest to the most recent.

Here we go again!

***
@nn, thank you for believing in me! (':

@Pn. Wong, teacher, is that you? :D Thanks so much for dropping by! You take care too! (:

@ayasan, I will definitely try! Thanks!

@C, thanks! Will do! (:

@xx, easier said than done, but will definitely try! Thank you! (:

@guest, thank you! (:

@Edwin, hello there! Thank you so much for your concern, but for now, I have no intentions of setting up a PayPal account. I have my reasons, and this wil be further explained in a separate blog post. I certainly am grateful and glad that there are so many Samaritans out there willing to help me out though!

@uga..., thank you for the love! And I do appreciate the fact that people are keeping me in their prayers! (:

@guest, haha, I doubt that everyone loves me, but I do know that there are people who do! Thanks!

@hope, no pun intended, but I hope so too! Thanks!

@Unwritten, thanks! I hope that everything will be okay, eventually. (:

@candice, nice of you to drop by! And thanks! (:

@hong, hey there! Thank you so much for your tag! Well, I was too tired from my stem cell transplant and the side effects were wearing me out months afterwards to even go online, hence the lack of updates. I've been trying to update as often as possible now. Thanks for checking often!

@way, awwww, thanks! (:

@vivian, hello there! I do apologise for the super late reply. I'm sorry to hear about your condition, I do hope you're on the road to recovery! Sure we can be friends! Feel free to e-mail me here: dancingpapercranes@live.com

Hope to hear from you soon, Vivian! (:

@ex-junior, hi there! Thanks for your well-wishes! (:

@iqa, awwww, thank you! I'm glad that my story could broaden your perspectives. Will do! (:

@LJ, that's really nice to know! Thank you!

@JW, thank you so much! You too!

@~Si3wLiNg~, when I was still undergoing the transplant, I'd been advised by my doctor to not dabble with alternative treatments, because it could bring more harm to my health if the effects from both treatments were to clash. If you would really like to let me know more about energy healing, you could send me an e-mail to dancingpapercranes@live.com. Thanks!

@Nikisa Izas, thank you! (:

@Believer, wow, I'm really flattered! Thank you so much for your compliment and the well-wishes! :D

@kalis, awwwww! Thanks! (':

@h, I don't really understand your tag, but thanks for dropping by anyway!

@Zettiey, hi there! No, I never tried alternative treatments before because I'd been advised by my doctor to not involve myself with alternative treatments. The results of alternative treatments vary among patients - it could be harmful, it could cure one of cancer. Meanwhile, I'm not going to take any risks. Thanks for the well-wishes, though! (:

@Hope, I'm glad to hear that! Thanks! (:

@Lynette, thanks so much! :]

@ugashni, thanks for the love! (:

@Somebody, thanks for keeping me in your prayers! (:

@Arynna, will do! Thank you! (:

@X, awwww, thank you so much! :]

@charmaine, my doctor is a very knowledgeable haematologist too, and I trust him in treating me. Thanks for the info anyway! (:

@AAA, appreciating the love from across the Causeway! Thank you! (:

@blogwalker, thank you! I think I'm doing alright at the moment. I really hope that I'm well on the road to recovery! (:

@Alvin Lee, hey! I saw your Facebook message, but haven't got to replying you yet. Do bear with me, and sorry about that! (:

@Anonymous, thank you!

@stranger, thank you for the compliment! (':

@roslinda, thank you so much for keeping me in your prayers! I'm really sorry to hear about your niece's condition though. I hope she's doing well and is recovering!

@AnotherOne, that's really nice to know! Thank you so much! (:

@cha, I won't give up that easily. Thanks! (:

@kit, definitely! ;)

@fran, thank you so much for the compliments! I'm glad that my story helped you realised how lucky you are. Cheers! (:

@Dorothea, hey! No way would I just regard you as just another stranger! That would be disrespecting you and everyone else that had commented even though I don't personally know them in real life. Thank you so much for your tag and for keeping me in your prayers, I really appreciate that a lot! (':

@Mika, nice to know! Thanks! (:

@Sheree, well, I'm sure all of us have our complaints about life. It's just about who's more fortunate and who isn't. What life throws to us, we have to face instead of running away. Anyway, thank you so much for everything! :'D

@leonie g, hello there, reader of the same name! Thank you so much for the well-wishes and the compliments! Super appreciated. (':

@mizah, I will. (:

@angie, thank you so much for keeping me in your prayers! And there's no need to be ashamed for whining about your life. We all do, actually. It's what makes us human. (:

@paula, thank you for the prayers! (:

@HI, awwww, thank you! (':

@Ashley, thank you so much Ashley! I really appreciate your tag. :D

@c, thank you! (:

@Jasmine, thanks for the well-wishes! (:

@ur junior, you don't need to hope. I will stay strong. (:

@nadya, will do! Thank you!

@zah, thanks! Will do!

@ins, thank you! (:

@BK, thank you so much for the well-wishes and for dropping by my blog! I really appreciate it a lot. (:

@Carmen, ah, thank you so much! :'D

@Hanne, thank you! (:

@destiny, thanks!

@Clara, thank you for the compliment! I'm glad to know that I inspire people. It's the least I could do. (:

@nick, thank you! (:

@Vanessa,, hi there! Thank you so much for your compliments! They really do make me feel better about myself. (':

@Grant, I won't! (:

@c, thank you so much for leaving so many tags. (:

@Gail, really nice to know! Thanks! :D

@yishien, thank you!

@Jane, thank you! Much appreciated. (:

@ShazrolAzly, thank you so much! I really appreciate that! (:

@Jen, my thanks to you too! Yes, I'll keep that in mind. (:

@jy, will do! Thanks! (:

@krystie, thank you so much for your support! :'D

@mic, thanks! (:

@cheering you on, thank you! That's really nice to know! :D

@Alvina, thank you for keeping me in your prayers! Really appreciate that a lot! (':

@anon, thank you!

@asd, I'm so sorry for the late reply! Thank you so much for wanting to help me out though! (:

@Ash, awwwww, thank you! (':

@Yu Hong, thank you! (:

@hellosunshine, thank you for your tag! :]

@YSL, thank you! (:

@suzane, you're right on that one! Thank you so much! :]

@MH, thanks for the info! (:

@ashley, thank you! (:

@evelyn, hello there! Thank you so much for wanting to help me out! Financially, I'm currently quite alright for now. But if there's anything, I'll definitely send you an e-mail. Thanks once again! (':

@Inti-an, thank you! :D

@addin syah, glad to know my story inspires you! ;)

***I'll give another proper update soon, I hope!

Cheers, everyone!

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All responses here are to those who had commented on my blog post titled 'here comes the hardest part.' I will contact those who didn't want their comments to be published through e-mail as soon as possible.

Generally, those that had asked me to give my bank account/contact details to them through e-mail will be contacted again through e-mail as well. Since I'm done with my transplant and things have settled down a tiny bit financially compared to then, I think it's only polite for me to say thank you for the kind thought; I never replied to them immediately due to my going through the tedious treatment process and feeling utterly too tired to even go online. They wanted to help, but I didn't give them the necessary information. Hope this clears up some misunderstandings out there!

I'll be replying from the earliest comments to the most recent.

***
@jorene pu, thanks! (:

@fyah, thanks for the well wishes! It's perfectly fine that you couldn't help me financially, it's the thought that really counts. (:

@Sylvi, I'll be sending you an e-mail soon! And thank you! (:

@Shar Linn, I sincerely appreciate your comment, it's truly full of wise words. It's really great to know, and I don't feel that bad about myself being 'weak' once in awhile anymore. Thank you so much for the support and encouragement, it's much appreciated and needed while I try to kick cancer in the ass. (': I'll be sending you an e-mail soon! Thank you so much again, Shar Linn! Cheers! :D

@Naziha, thanks so much! Really appreciated. (:

@nityakumar, thank you so much! I shall try to contact you soon. (:

@Carinn, I think I thanked you and the rest in Sunway College JB so often now, I'm starting to think that I'm nagging at you lot. Heh. And I don't mean to make your mum or anyone cry reading about my predicament! Oh gosh. D: But I'm truly touched at what you, your family and our friends have been doing to help me out. Thank you so much Rinn. (': <3

@Michael, will be sending you an e-mail soon! And thank you! (:

@Paul Low, thank you for the comment Paul! Cheers! (:

@Cikgu Adilah, cikgu!! Thank you so much! *hugs!* (':

@fashu, thanks Fashu! <3 (:

@Jean Chu, thank you for keeping my family and I in your prayers! Will send you an e-mail really soon! (:

@xox `Lyng` xox, thank you so much! Will send you an e-mail soon! (:

@CYJ, I'm glad to know that my story inspired you and your roommate. Thank you both for your help, but I won't post my bank account details nor my Facebook profile in my cancer blog. I find it too public. You didn't leave me your contact details either, so I can't get back to you personally at the moment. If you're reading this and still want to contact me, please e-mail me at dancingpapercranes@live.com! Thank you once more, and please send my thanks to your roommate as well! Cheers! :D

@Komol, hello there! Will be sending you an e-mail soon! (:

@Anonymous, my family and I have our reasons to not publish about my condition in the papers. This will be explained in a future blog post. Anyway, thank you!

@st, will be sending you an e-mail soon! (:

@qi, thank you so much! (:

@David Teoh, hey David! I'm really grateful for the help that you and the rest of the peeps in Taylor's had done for me. I know all of you had done your best in trying to help me out, but because of certain situations, all of you couldn't do more for me. I'll explain in my blog as soon as possible why. Meanwhile, thank you so much for everything! Please send my sincerest thanks to the rest as well. Cheers! (:

@Anonymous, I'm sorry to hear about your uncle having cancer too. I'm glad to hear that he can get a suitable bone marrow though! (: Hope his condition has stabilised and he's doing much better now. Will send you an e-mail soon!

@Rebecca Koo, hey girl! I'm so sorry for the late reply concerning this matter. I am still grateful for all you and the rest had done for me. (': Aren't we friends now, by the way? ;) Haha. When I'm free from cancer and all, maybe we can meet up with Jia Ying and a few other mutual friends and we can get to know each other better. (: Thank you for keeping me in your prayers! :'D

@Anonymous, thank you so much! Will contact you through e-mail as soon as possible! (:

@pangzter, I'm so sorry for the late reply! Funds-wise, I think it's alright for now. (: But at the moment, you can help by being a friend to me! I'm open to new friendships at this point in life. It helps me widen my social circle even though I'm stuck at home because I have to be quarantined. Anyway, thank you so much for leaving a comment! :]

@Lee Yue, I didn't notice any typo errors! But it's okay, no worries at all! (: Thank you so much, but I think it's alright for now. Cheers, and hope you're doing well!

@StereoHearts, thank you so much! It's nice to know that I have constant support from people like yourself. (: You didn't leave me your contact details, so I can't do so. But thank you anyway! :]

@Christinaa!, Chrissie dear! I'll contact you really, really soon, okay! (:

@zahrah, awwwwwww! Thanks so much, Zahrah! :'D Glad to know that I inspired you, in some way or another. Will contact you as soon as possible! (:

@Anonymous, will be sending you an e-mail really soon!

@Rin, hello there! Nah, don't worry! I don't think that way at all. It's just that at that time, I was already under treatment(stem cell transplant), and I don't want to meddle with alternative treatments while I'm undergoing the transplant. Thanks for the information and the encouragement though! It's really appreciated. (: I'll definitely do my research about this. Meanwhile, I hope your sister is responding well to this treatment! Cheers, and take care! :D

@maurice!~!@, man! Thanks so much for dropping by! :'D

@~MY~, will be sending you an e-mail soon! (:

@Alyssa, alright! Will send you an e-mail soon! (:

@Anonymous, thank you for the information! Will definitely look it up.

@Anonymous, awwwww! I'm glad that you defeated cancer! I'm really happy for you! :D You're right, cancer isn't all that bad as it had helped me learn so much about life and how I shouldn't take things for granted. It's high time that cancer should be leaving my life now! Hahah. You being in my predicament before will definitely understand the trials and tribulations of being a cancer patient. Thanks for leaving a comment and telling me about your story, it's really appreciated! Hope to hear from you more if you see this reply! Cheers, and take care! ;)

@QiTing Darling, hey there! Will be contacting you through e-mail/Facebook shortly! I have yet to thank you, Ah Yuan, and the rest of your family properly. Hope all of you can remain patient with me! (:

@Anonymous, wow. You never knew people like me existed unless they're from the newspapers or storybooks? I hope that with my story, it managed to widen your horizons about people like me really existing and aren't merely fictional people/strangers. Will be contacting you really soon! And thanks! It's nice to know that I'm an inspiration to you. (:

@Anonymous, hi there! My email is dancingpapercranes@live.com, but I won't be on MSN using this account. Cheers!

@Shen Ni, thank you so much! I definitely will do my best to stay strong and keep fighting. Will be sending you an e-mail soon! You take care too. (:

@Angie, hello Angeline! I'm really sorry to hear about your uncle's passing. I'm sure he fought the good fight well. May he rest in peace. I will continue this battle of mine too. Thank you so much for leaving a comment.

@Bing, thank you! (:

@Nicolette, hey! In fact, I do know who you are! Sherylee's sister, right? (: Thank you so much for keeping my family and me in your prayers. Also, thanks so much for your comment, it does mean a lot to me. (': Cheers!

@ashL?y~*, you can e-mail me at dancingpapercranes@live.com! And thank you! (:

@ss tan, will be e-mailing you soon!

@nicoleeeee :), I didn't do much for you actually, Nic! But it's the least I can do, since I couldn't offer anything other than emotional support to you then. I really appreciate you and the rest being there for me, you guys mean so much to me as well. (': <3

@sam, will be sending you an e-mail soon!

@Anonymous, I did consider setting up a PayPal account, but things were so hectic back then, and I wasn't up to it physically to doing anything online. This PayPal matter will be brought up in a separate blog entry. Anyway, thanks!

@vanessa, hi! Yes, I do know Nicole and Chiara. (: Financially, I think it's alright for now. So sorry for the late reply! But I do appreciate your wanting to help me out. Thank you so much! :'D

@suelynn, so I heard! I really appreciate that JJ and Kay Kay helped spread the news of my situation, thank to my friends who tweeted them about me. (: Thank you so much, Sue Lynn! I'll be sending you an e-mail as soon as possible. :D

@Weng Hui, hello there! Thank you so much for your comment! (': Will send you an e-mail very soon!

@JieWeN, hello there! Thank you for your encouraging comment. Sorry to hear about your spine problem though, hope it's on its way to getting better. (: I'm happy for you staying strong and striving for the best despite your problem and pains.Your brother is right though - please do not overexert yourself, for it may affect your health even more. Do take care of your health, and cheers!

@Janny1120, thank you so much! Will be dropping you an e-mail soon! (:

@Shawn, hello there! I will contact you through Facebook soon. But just to let everyone know - I am under this haematologist in Kuala Lumpur now. Still, I'll contact you just to let you know that I got your comment. Cheers!

@xiaocass, thank you very much! Glad that my story has touched you somehow. (': Will contact you through e-mail soon!

@mable, will e-mail you soon! And thank you! (:

@Wil Sern, you didn't leave me your contact details, so I'm afraid I can't contact you. Thank you for wanting to help me out though! (:

@Kimberly, oh gosh, I read through your comment again, and I just realised I wasn't supposed to publish it. I'm so sorry! D: Thank you so much for keeping me in your prayers though, I really appreciate the thought a lot. (: And your comment did bring some cheer to me! ;)

@Maureen, no problem at all! I don't expect everyone who know about my condition to contribute. It's the thought that counts, in the end. Thank you for the support! (:

@Sharm, hello there! Thank you for the well wishes and for reading my entries! Your Facebook link has expired, but I think I found your Twitter account. Will contact you soon! (:

@Samantha, hey there! You didn't leave me your contact details, and your Blogger profile link has expired; I can't contact you at the moment. Thank you so much for your wanting to help, though! (:

@Menny aka Carmen, thank you so much for your comment and for keeping me in your prayers! I'll be contacting you through e-mail really soon! (:

@Anonymous, I'll be e-mailing you soon! Thank you for your comment! (:

@Jon, I'll contact you as soon as possible. Thanks!

@sylerhkan, thank you so much for your comment! And don't worry, I don't mind the language at all. Some people may find it vulgar, but it's fine for me. In fact, as vulgar as vulgarities are - sometimes I find them appropriate to describe certain situations in ways that normal words couldn't. Your comment did make me smile, by the way! Thanks once again! :D

@Ju Chin, hey! I'll contact you through Facebook soon. And thanks! (:

@Benetoon aka Bene Chian, I'm really sorry for the late reply! I haven't been online till recently due to me recuperating from my stem cell transplant. I did the transplant at a hospital in KL. Thank you for your concern, but I think it's alright for the time being. :] Cheers!

@SK, I'm really sorry to hear about your mum. Being someone who has a kin/family member that went through blood cancer, I'm sure you understand my predicament, and especially what my family members are going through. Thank you so much for your willingness to help and your encouragement! Hope you're doing well.

@huiyin-denoisemaker, I know I'm blessed because there are a lot of friends and nice people out there who are willing to help me out. (: I'm glad to know that I can be of inspiration to you and the rest! Thank you for your comment and for keeping me in your prayers, I really appreciate it a lot. Hope you're doing fine! Cheers! :D

@Sean, hey Sean! I saw your Facebook message, but I haven't got to replying it yet. I'll reply you there really soon, and thank you so much for the well wishes! (:

@ierawkxz, hello there! It's okay, it's the thought that counts! Thank you for praying for me, and thank you for offering to hear me out when I need someone to talk to. I really appreciate that a lot, since friends are really a huge factor in me staying strong to beat cancer. (: I'll e-mail you very soon! ;)

@Shermaine, hello there! Thank you so much for keeping me in your prayers! I really appreciate that a lot! (': Cheers!

@Anonymous, hello there! I'm pretty stubborn, and I love to learn, so I really would like to continue my studies, given the chance. (: Thank you so much, and I'll be dropping you an e-mail as soon as possible! ;)

@eexuan, will be contacting you very soon! Thank you so much, by the way! (:

@e for ecstasy, I don't have a PayPal account at the moment, but thank you so much for your willingness to help. And thanks for the link as well! I'm sorry to hear about his passing, but I'm sure he fought hard to the very end. Will take some time out to read his entries. Once again, thanks! (:

@Anonymous, yes it is, actually! My treatment has ended for now, and hopefully that's the end of everything! Thank you so much for wanting to help. (:

@janicechian, Janice! I'll contact you through Facebook really soon! Have yet to thank you and Joanne properly. (':'

@Andrea, hello there! Firstly, thank you so much for your encouraging words! (': And also for keeping me in your prayers. As deadly and sucky as cancer is, it's nice to know that I have made many new friends because of this, widening my perspectives in life and getting to know more people from different walks of life. I'll be sending you an e-mail really soon, do keep a lookout for it! Cheers! (:

@meowth aka aileen, thank you so much! Will e-mail you soon!

@ankakashi, I miss you and your flowers. Sigh. (': You're such a dear, Anna-chan. Glad that my blog managed to help you and your mum reconcile, though I doubt that the argument would have lasted long anyway. ;) Can't wait to give you more kitty smiles in person! :P

@missroum87 aka grace, you can contact me at dancingpapercranes@live.com! I can't access to the Facebook link you'd provided though, so I'll try to contact you through your blog instead. Cheers!

@Nessa aka Nadia, hello there! (: Thank you so much for leaving a comment on my blog and for your willingness to help! I'll be sending you an e-mail soon! ;)

@xiao, I don't have a PayPal account, unfortunately. But thank you so much for wanting to help me out! (:

@Anonymous, I live in Johor, Malaysia.

@Anonymous, thank you so much! Yes, I am aware of that, so I definitely won't give up easily. (':

@linz, will be sending you an e-mail soon!

@amalina, thank you so much! Yes, I'll continue to stay strong. (:

@Jane Teh, thank you so much for leaving a comment on my blog! I really appreciate the supportive words. (': Will be contacting you really soon!

@Anonymous, thank you so much! (:

@Adiba, thank you so much! I'll contact you through e-mail really soon! :]

@Anonymous, thank you so much for your wanting to help me, but I do not have a PayPal account and I don't think I'll be opening one anytime soon. I'll explain more in another blog entry. But thanks!

@Stefanie, thanks! Will be sending you an e-mail really soon! (:

@rådicål 'dreámer, I'll still thank you, because it's good manners, it's appropriate and it's the least I can do. Thanks Daniel. (':

@Mcguyver99 aka Andrew, you didn't leave me any contact details, I'll try to contact you through your blogs. Anyway, thanks!

@Anonymous, thanks! Will send you an e-mail soon! (:

@Chuah Siew Lin™, hello there! Thank you so much! I'll definitely stay strong. (:

@Angela, so sorry for the late reply! But thank you so much in putting your effort into making a video for me. I'm still very touched by the video and your gesture. (':

@Anonymous, thank you for the information! Will go and check it out when I can.

@Bro Punna, hello Uncle Punna! Thank you for your well wishes. I'll try to contact you as soon as possible. (:

@Daeng Hanisah A Malek, hey Daeng! Of course I still remember you! (: Thank you so much! I'll try to contact you through Facebook. :]

@Anonymous, will send an e-mail to you soon!

@Anonymous, thank you so much for keeping me in your prayers! Will send an e-mail to you soon!

@Mel Koay, thank you so much for your kind words! I'll send you an e-mail as soon as possible! Cheers! (:

@Kuah Jenhan, will be sending you an e-mail soon! I'm alright with comedy, and thank you so much for the offer! When I've fully recovered and I'm no longer under quarantine, I'll try to make it to watch one of your shows! (: Cheers!

@Anonymous, hello there! Thanks so much! Glad you got your transplant over and done with. Will be contacting you really soon! (:

@Nadya Liew, hey there! I'm really sorry I couldn't reply earlier, I had complications shortly after doing my transplant. Took me some time to recuperate properly. Thank you so much, and to your parents as well! I really appreciate the kind gesture a lot. (:

@elena, thank you so much for the information, Elena! Will be contacting you as soon as possible! (:

@Wan Ting, thank you so much for your well wishes! Will be contacting you through e-mail soon! (:

@Shastri, will be sending you an e-mail soon! And thank you! (:

@Pj, thank you so much for your comment! I'll contact you through e-mail soon. (:

@Elton, thanks so much! Will contact you really soon! (:

@Anonymous, thank you for wanting to help me out! I'll contact you through e-mail as soon as possible! (:

@qqq, yes, I was botak(bald). Not many people can say that they went bald twice throughout their whole lives. You try going bald, and see whether you actually can have the heart to type that comment out to me. (:

@Anonymous, hello Mr. Lim!! I'm so sorry for the late reply! I'll e-mail you really soon okay! Hope you're doing fine! :D

@§pinzer, will do! (:

@Nick, thank you so much for your comment! I've read some of the entries in your blog, and your comment makes a lot of sense. I'll try to personally contact you as soon as possible. Meanwhile, I'm glad you're doing well! Hope your health is improving day by day! (:

@Su Ann, thank you! I won't. (:

@Paul Tan, I'm so sorry for the late reply! I still will contact you soon though. Cheers!

@Vun, hello there! It's not that I didn't want to be specific, it's mainly because I still want to keep some of my social networking site links private and open only to my close friends and acquaintances. I have recently created a new e-mail account specially for my cancer blog, so maybe if you have any queries you can contact me here: dancingpapercranes.live.com. Anyway, thank you for dropping a comment and for wanting to help me out!

@forenseeks, I'm sorry to hear that your uncle has cancer too. I hope he is recovering well, and even better - already fully recovered! Thank you for the information and for keeping me in your prayers, as well. Cheers! (:

@Ken, will send you an e-mail soon!

@xq ♥, hey! Thank you so much! Will contact you soon! (:

@*MysL*, hey Mich! You didn't leave me your contact details, so I don't think I can contact you. :( I don't have a PayPal account though. Anyway, thank you so much for helping me out! I really appreciate the effort. (':

@Cheyenne, will send you an e-mail as soon as possible! Thank you, dear! (:

@Anonymous aka C from Singapore, it's perfectly fine if you can't contribute financially, it's the thought that counts. I really appreciate that a lot. (': Also, thank you so much for your kind comment and for keeping me in your prayers! :'D Cheers!

@hongs, hey! Thank you so much for everything you had done. (: You didn't leave me any contact details, so I really have no idea how to get back to you. D: Hopefully, if you see this reply, and if you still want to contact me, feel free to e-mail me at dancingpapercranes@live.com. Cheers!

@Anonymous, I assume that you are C from Singapore. Thanks! (:

@ℓσgєи αυτhøɾ вєαstlч, will be contacting you really soon! Thank you!

@Missy Sasha N Mini Myra, hello there! Sure I don't mind, you were only trying to help me. (: Besides, I think letting people know about my story can inspire them in one way or another. :] I'll contact you through e-mail really soon! Thank you so much for everything! :D

@Nana, hi there junior! Thanks to you and your friends for wanting to help me out! You didn't leave me your contacts, so I can't get back to you. Still, my sincerest thanks! (:

@Roberto, thank you so much Roberto! (': I'll keep fighting the good fight, no worries there. (:

@S, thank you so much! I'll contact you as soon as possible. (:

@Ccy, it's dancingpapercranes@live.com. Thank you so much for being understanding of my situation. I'll be sending you an e-mail as soon as possible! (:

@Jaynier, I don't have a Maybank account. Sorry!

@Cherly Sim, yes, I'm Malaysian. Oh really? Thanks for the information! You didn't leave me your contacts, so I'm afraid I can't contact you personally. I hope you see this reply, late as it is! And I'm sorry about that. D:

@LadyMichelle, hello there! I'm really sorry for the late reply! D: Thank you so much for wanting to raise funds for me through your school's Interact Club. I already completed my transplant, and I hope that's the end of it! And thanks for the compliment! (:

@Natsu30, hey there! Thank you for your comment! I hope your friend is currently doing well. (: Cheers!

@soowei, thank you so much for the comment! Really appreciated! (:

@shuhui, hey there! I'll contact you really soon! Thank you so much! (:

@Anonymous, thank you! I'll send you an e-mail soon!

@Keshu, awwwww! Thank you so much, Keshu! (': Your comment means a lot to me. :'D I'm so sorry for the late reply though, I'll message you on Facebook as soon as possible. Thanks for putting in so much effort to help me out, I really appreciate that. (: You take care too!

@aishah mokhtar, I have yet to thank you and your friends properly. You and the rest did so much for me, I'm still speechless whenever I think of it. (': Will personally contact you as soon as possible. :'D

@Christine, hello there! Thank you and to your friends for wanting to help me out. (: You didn't leave me any contact details, so I'm sorry I can't get back to you. But anyway, my sincerest thanks! (':

@Dennis Lau, hello Dennis! Thank you for your comment. I will definitely check out the link you had given me. I'm glad to hear that their conditions are under control. (: I'll contact you through e-mail very soon, and thanks once again! :D

@Unknown aka Willy, congratulations for being a cancer survivor. I'm really happy for you. (: I admire my family members too, it hasn't been easy for any of them either. I'll contact you very soon, thank you so much for your comment! :]

@Jinz and Chris, thank you both so much! I'll send an e-mail really soon. (:

@milkway, hello there. I'm really sorry to hear that both your mother and brother are diagnosed with cancer as well. It must be tough on you, and on them as well. I understand that you can't help me financially, it's perfectly fine, really! It's the thought that matters the most. ;) Anyway, I wish you all the best, and I hope their conditions have improved, or better yet, they have already fully recovered from their cancers. (:

@tcs.thecross aka Chee Seng, thank you so much for your comment! I'm glad too for the encouraging words that many have been sending in, they do mean a lot to me while I keep on fighting the good fight. (: Thank you for the prayer, and thank you for doing so much for me! I wish I could contact you personally, but I don't see any contact details provided. Anyway, I hope you see this, because I just want to let you know how thankful I am for the help. (': Cheers!

@Su, thank you so much! I shall contact you through e-mail soon! (:

@Alvin Lee, will do! (:

@musings of a recluse aka Janet, hello there! Thank you so much for keeping me in your prayers as well as for the well wishes! I really appreciate them a lot. (': I'm sorry to hear about your uncle, I hope he's doing much better now! I think if you do regular check-ups and keep healthy, you should be quite alright. (: I'll try to contact you when I can! Cheers! :D

@Tipsy, hello there! Thank you for telling me about the link! I will consider setting up that PayPal account, but I don't think it's anytime soon. I hope your artist friend is doing much better now! Also, I'm happy that your mother has been cancer-free for so long. Hope that good streak continues! ;) Cheers, and thanks again!

@Zahra N Damayanti, hey there! Your ambition is amazing, do keep up the good work! You have my support in becoming a future oncologist. (: Thank you so much for your supportive and encouraging words, and also for keeping me in your prayers! I really appreciate them a lot. (': Sure we can be friends! I'm always up for new friendships. ;) I'll contact you as soon as possible! Meanwhile, I hope you're doing well! Cheers! :D

@Anonymous, I prefer to keep my Facebook account as private as possible. You can contact me through this email though: dancingpapercranes@live.com. Thank you so much, anyway!

@Emalina, hello there! I'm really sorry to hear about your father's passing. I hope you and your family are doing alright and staying strong. *hugs* Thank you so much for your willingness to help! Unfortunately, I'm under quarantine, so I don't think I can visit your school at the moment. I'll contact you really soon! Thanks again, Emalina!

@tanwenmin, hello there Wen Min! Yes, she has contacted me, if Jade and Jadeline are the same person we're talking about. (: I'm really grateful for the effort you, Jadeline and everyone else from your church who were involved in raising funds for me. My sincerest thanks from my family and I. (': Thanks for your comment too! :D

@YSL, thank you for your comment! Appreciated. (:

@Amelia, nope, it's not belated at all, no worries about that! (: I'll contact you as soon as possible! Thanks so much! :]

***I started typing out replies from 11.00 this morning, and it's already 8.00 at night. My eyes are getting blurry, and I hope I didn't accidentally miss anyone out! If I did, I'm truly sorry about it.

Cheers!

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I have been trying my best to keep myself fairly busy, without overtiring myself. Sometimes, I still have this mentality that I am still a normal, healthy person and I can afford to exert myself occasionally. Unfortunately, I will only realise the consequences after I unconsciously physically tire myself out.

Anyway, I feel slightly more alert nowadays. I'm assuming it should be due to the steroids I have been prescribed by my doctor. Currently on more oral medication to hopefully stabilize my condition after the completion of my stem cell transplant.

It’s been tough, that I won’t deny.

It has been ages since I gave a proper update, so in this entry I think I'm going to clarify some matters that were of concern since the start of my transplant till now.

Bone marrow transplant? Stem cell transplant? Huh?
A lot of you are confused regarding this matter. I can understand, because if I wasn't diagnosed with cancer - I wouldn't have known any better either.

When I first started treatment in KL, my doctor told me that I have to undergo a bone marrow transplant. Therefore, that's exactly what I wrote on this blog for everyone to know. I have to go for a bone marrow transplant.

Afterwards, I started using the phrase 'stem cell transplant' in my blog. People starting asking me,

"Leonie, are you going through two different kinds of treatment now?"

"What happened to the plan of you going for a bone marrow transplant?"

"What's a stem cell transplant?"

"Leonie, you have to go through this major operation for your bone marrow transplant right?
The list of such questions goes on and on.

Okay, I'll do my best to answer these questions without adding any inaccurate information by complete accident. But you have been warned, I'm only explaining with my current level of understanding and knowledge. I'm not the doctor nor the expert here, so if I happen to get any facts wrong - don't sue me.

Apparently, bone marrow transplant = stem cell transplant. The common idea of having to undergo a bone marrow transplant in the minds of the general public is the patient and the donor are required to be given general anaesthesia(GA), i.e. both patients are unconscious during the operation. A part of the bone marrow is extracted from the donor, and that part is given to the patient - all these happen during the surgery.

With the advancement in medical science, we now have this procedure called the stem cell transplant. It works the same way as the bone marrow transplant, but the procedures are different.

The treatment I went through required me to have a CVC line inserted at my neck(this was a minor operation by the way, only local anaesthesia(LA) was administed at my neck). This functions to extract my blood from my body and through this medical equipment – separates the different kinds of cells in your blood. After that, the stem cells are preserved till the patient's transplant. High dose chemotherapy is given, and the stem cells returned to the patient.

I wasn't knocked out in any way at all.

This treatment I went through is also known as autologous stem cell transplantation.

Life during/after the transplant.
It didn’t make any difference being discharged from the hospital after I was done with my transplant. (I was there for approximately three weeks for my transplant.) I was re-admitted again and again due to quite serious cases of blood infection that caused me to have high fever that nearly hit 40°C. You do the math. All I can tell you is that my head feels really sore after so many bouts of high fever; my brain’s been getting stressed out a lot.

It’s definitely not easy for my parents either, having to rush me all the way to the hospital in KL. Mind you, that’s five hours of driving for my dad and exhaustion, stress and unhealthy meals for both my parents. Not forgetting the costs of staying in the hospital to get treatment. Worrying my brother as well, knowing that he lives in another part of KL and despite his busy schedule in university and all – wants to come over and keep me company.

Did I mention that I have very supportive and awesome family members? Yeah, I think I mentioned that before.

I really hope that’s the end of all that.

While the cells are readjusting themselves in the body post-transplant, patients will go through a variety of side effects. Some of the unfortunate events I went through are:

1. Vomiting blood. Twice. This caused some commotion for the nurses and my doctor. I then found out that the news of me vomitting blood had spread to nearly all of the staff in the entire bulding. Go figure.
   
   
2. More bouts of high fever, causing me to feel extremely cold and shiver a lot. I remember needing to have three to four layers of blankets in attempt to help me feel more comfortable, plus I wore mittens, socks and a wool hat. A few nurses said that I looked like I was all geared up for winter, ready for a skiing trip. I'll leave it to your imagination.
   
   
3. More vomiting...
   
   
4. A very bad sore throat and tongue. Swallowing was really a pain. It's very similar to what I had to go through before, and you can read about it here. Felt more awful though throughout the treatment process.

All these, went on for about two months or so. I didn't want to worry anybody on purpose, you see. You try going through all the shit I had to go through, and see whether you're fit good enough to go online and respond to people, even if you've really wanted to.

This is just a scam! They are just con artists!
As a result, my family and I were accused of cheating people of their money, and running off after getting their cash. Some said that my parents were using me or taking advantage of me to con people of their money. Others said that I edited my photo to look bald, and convince people that I have cancer.


I wish some people would just have some common sense for a bit!

Cancer isn't funny at all. Cancer is something so serious, it is capable of taking your loved ones' lives away.

Who bloody wants to end up with cancer anyway? Definitely no one, of course!

Cancer is not a joking matter. Seriously, to all of you who have thought this way - my family and I are seriously hurt by your remarks. Honestly, I really want sincere apologies from each and every one of you idiots!

But as of now, all I want to do is to fully recover. Cause my parents, my friends, my loved ones, or anybody that knows me - less worry, less sadness.

I would like to use vulgarities in the entry to release my anger for the people as I've described earlier, but I rather not. At least, not for now.

A note to these people: I have no reason to cheat any of you. If you choose not to believe me, and still think that I faked cancer(PFFFFT!) - that's all up to you. I didn't do anything wrong, and I don't see any need to explain myself to convince you. Stay in that little box of yours, and rot there for all I care. I'm too tired, and I rather save my energy to recuperate properly. So there!

All this drama makes me so grateful and glad that there are still good Samaritans out there who are willing to help me out. (I'm going to leave this to another entry, good people deserve a nice, long post about them all to themselves!)

***I'm going to stop here for the moment. If I keep this entry too long, nobody would bother to read it.

I FIND IT EXCEPTIONALLY ANNOYING THAT PEOPLE STILL ASK ME QUESTIONS REPEATEDLY WHEN I HAVE ALREADY ANSWERED THEM IN MY BLOG.

FIRST, SOME OF YOU SAY THAT I'M CAUSING PEOPLE TO WORRY ABOUT MY CONDITION BY NOT UDPATING.

SO I UPDATED.

BUT THEN, THESE SAME PEOPLE JUST HAVE TO ASK ME THE SAME FREAKING QUESTIONS THAT I HAVE JUST ANSWERED ON MY BLOG!

TELL ME, WHAT IS THE POINT OF ME BLOGGING IF YOU AREN'T EVEN GOING TO READ IT? YET, YOU ALL ARE BEING SUCH HYPOCRITES FOR PESTERING ME TO UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE!

I am trying my best to rest more, to recover quickly from cancer. And this is what I get in return.

Oh gosh, is it that hard to get a little bit of understanding from people like them?

Again, I am grateful to those who do understand. Thank you, you and you!

I realised that I've just blogged these pent-up emotions I have been keeping to myself since the start of my transplant.

I do feel a little bit better, but there are still unsettled issues. I'll blog about them another time.

Meanwhile, I hope this entry is satisfying to everyone - both the good, and the bad.

Cheers!

Labels: i'm grateful and blessed for.., lymphoma and me, medical procedures

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Edits are going on in this cancer blog of mine. I have added another page, and it's mainly about my treatment course since the start of my cancer journey. I hope I didn't miss any important details, but it's certainly full of just that - details. To those of you who are new here, or would like to know of what I have been going through - more precise information is available here.

Cheers!

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It's not easy moderating so many comments. I wonder how famous bloggers handle their fans/haters' comments.

Hopefully, I didn't accidentally publish a comment that was not meant to be published; the people who wanted to be kept anonymous or posted their contact details.

There were one or two comments that had contact numbers. Even though it wasn't mentioned, but I didn't publish those either. I don't think they will appreciate prank calls or having their contact numbers exposed. From personal experience, I know I don't.

I think I will dedicate an entire blog entry to replying these comments.

Meanwhile, I will do my best to maintain this blogging spirit and update as often as possible about exactly what I had been through to those of you who frequently ask.

Also, I added a new page for this blog. If you look beneath my blog banner and next to the word 'Home', I dedicated my 'Inspiration' page to this amazing individual. Personally, I really hope that any one of you readers will take some time off to read about her. She's more amazing and tougher than me, and ever will be.

Cheers!

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Today marks the 100th day since my stem cell transplant.

Even though the side effects from treatment are still causing me discomforts, I guess it'll cause less worry among my friends, readers and anyone who knows me well with an update.

I'll try and keep this short and concise. (It'll be hard though, I have a lot to say; do bear with me.)

1. Words will never be enough to describe how thankful I am for everyone's generous contributions. (I'll appreciate it a lot if some of you do not use the word 'donations'. It makes me sound like I'm a charity case. Or am I, without me realising it...?) They have definitely helped. I just hope that I can recover soon and have no more relapses so I don't have to burden my parents more; them spending so much money on me when we're not from a well-to-do family. I will always feel guilty for that.
   
   
2. I will definitely thank each and every single person that had contributed personally to those who had informed me of their details or/and their friends' and family members' details. It will take a lot of time though, please be and stay understanding of my condition. One of the main reasons why I haven't been updating is because I get very tired easily nowadays: it's a common side effect from the transplant.
   
   
3. I am recuperating from my stem cell transplant, but I sincerely have no idea whether I'm on the road to recovery or not. The point is:
   
   Recuperating ≠ Recovering.
   Frankly, who doesn't hope for the latter? I wish I have X-ray vision to see whether there is any growth of anything abnormal or not, so I not only cannot give an answer to every concerned individual who asks, but also to my family and myself. It is worrying whenever I feel a pain here or there, I'll get paranoid about it and worry that my cancer may be back to haunt me. You'll be doing me a huge favour by not asking, because I feel guilty that I cannot produce an answer for you. Many thanks in advance.
   
   
4. I am under quarantine. Strictly no visitors allowed, I'm sorry to say. I do miss my friends a lot and it upsets me whenever I have to reject any of my friends who wants to visit and keep me company(and sane, as well). I'm sorry, and truly am.
   
   
5. Every comment and tag, I had read. I really appreciate them so much; all this support is a good reason for me to stay positive and strong whenever I get discouraged about my condition. I really would like to respond to everyone, but I find it not possible at the moment. But sincerely, thank you, you and you.
   
   
6. As much as they are filled with good intentions, please think before you ask me any questions. Some of them are not only offensive, but also very hurtful. I can't expect everyone to understand, because all of you are healthy people while I'm the one stuck with cancer. From a cancer patient's point of view, I believe that generally, only cancer patients(in my case, blood cancer patients) can really understand how I feel and what I'm coping with; the physical discomforts, the emotional breakdowns, the limitations, the challenge to maintain positive, happy and content just to see the light of another day.
   
   
7. Emotions-wise, I have been feeling like a wreck very often. The smallest of matters can trigger me to cry and actually sob loudly(I don't know what my neighbours will think of me, but what the heck). It's not normal to me; I was very good at holding back my tears during my pre-cancer days. Then, if I ever was caught crying in public(which was super rare) - you'll know that I'm really very upset. Now? The tears come too fast, and too much for my liking. I really hate that I cannot control my emotions as well as before. That definitely adds to my feeling extremely useless. Another reason why I didn't update earlier - I don't want my blog posts to be full of anger and frustration. I don't find entries filled with such negativity of much substance.
   
   
8. Facebook is killing me. I do want to know what my friends are up to. I admit - I badly want to fit in and keep myself updated with their lives. It's like an addiction for me who has to stay at home and get cooped up all day long - with only the television and laptop for company. But, I get jealous of my friends posting photos of them with other friends; living normal lives and especially the girls - looking beautiful and just awesome. I can't force them to post what I want to see and not post what gets me upset, that would just be mean and selfish of me. But I won't deny, it hurts. I look at myself - bald, unhealthy and useless. I don't feel good about myself, not one bit.
   
   
9. I'm getting tired. Really tired. When will freedom arrive? When can I fully recover, and recover the life I'm supposed to have? It's so hard to stay positive as time goes by. Giving up is definitely not an option, but fighting on is just as difficult.
   

Labels: lymphoma and me, musings

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I am not exaggerating, but my parents are draining their savings empty and spent pretty much every dollar, cent and dime just to fund for my treatments since July 2010.

It doesn't help that the current treatment I'm undergoing now, which is the stem cell transplant - is the most costly out of all of the medical procedures I've been through.

My parents are aware that I actually am desperate to start studying in college. So they still refuse to touch my college fund, unless it is the last final resort.

Friends, old and new...

This is a sincere plea for help from me,
on behalf of my immediate family members -
my parents and my elder brother.
We are really low on cash. I hate to have to ask for help, but seeing how tough it is for both my parents to pay for all those costly medical bills and my brother for being considerate to consider our spendings and tries to save as much as he can so he can relieve my parents of some burden. He's still studying in university, and the last thing I want to see that happens is my brother dropping out of his course just to help support me. I'm already robbed of my chance of an education, so why rob my brother of his?

At least, if I ever were to unfortunately die - my brother will have enough qualifications to find a better job and support my parents in the future.

At the very least, this is what everyone in my family deserves for taking such great care of me throughout my course of treatment. In fact, since I was born to be exact!

I was given a chance to live, yet it is not for me to choose how long I can live this life as my current identity. I have to say, I'm thankful for having the chance to be born as Leonie. Someone who isn't your typical ordinary person, yet still uniquely me - learning something new everyday and meeting new people; creating new experiences and memories for me.

I truly do not know how much longer my cancer journey is going to take. I don't know how many types of treatment I still have to face after this. I still have no idea how much longer I'm going to live.

Please spread the word around for me. If there is anything you need to know such as my bank account details, approximate cost of treatment, etc., feel free to inbox me through Facebook or leave me a comment on this blog. If you prefer to be kept anonymous, I will not publish your comment - but please leave me your email, contact number, Facebook profile or anything that will make it easier and convenient to discuss everything out.

You have my utmost, sincerest thanks.

Thank you for taking the time to read this entry, and thank you for spreading the word around.

I really hope to hear some good news soon. (':

Labels: general, i'm grateful and blessed for.., lymphoma and me, medical procedures, musings

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Hello readers.

I haven't been online for the past few days. I've been busy packing for my one-month stint in the hospital for my stem cell transplant. Today is only the third day, and things are not going so well as I thought they would hopefully go. Sigh.

I already felt homesick since day one, knowing it would be a long time before I get to see home again. It also didn't help at all that my supposed three-week stay here got extended to an entire month, as this detail got conveniently left out by my doctor. No thanks to him here! (The more sensible side of me know that the extra one-week stay is for observation purposes once all the necessary procedures are completed, but I'm currently feeling very stressed out, frustrated, angsty and whiny all at the same time, so do bear with me please.)

The first day wasn't too bad, until I found out I had two injections and six pills/tablets to swallow before I went to bed. One injection serves to thin my blood because as there is a risk of my blood clotting and causing complications during my high-dose chemotherapy sessions (to be done six days continuously, starting from yesterday onwards), another is a kind of vitamin, i.e. Vitamin B12. The former is a daily injection - but it cannot be injected into my body through my PICC line. It has to be done subcutaneously at my stomach. Trust me, I'm no big fan of needles at all.

Yesterday morning, I had to go through this contract/consent form that was penned out by a lawyer (another random fact courtesy of my doctor) and I started to feel depressed because of it. Secretly, I was also tearing up but of course I was not going to let my parents see that! Basically, it described the procedures of my stem cell transplant, the types of chemotherapy drugs administed to me throughout the course of this treatment, possible side effects (I felt like I wanted to just break down when I saw that one of it was death. Less than 10% of patients who had gone through with this treatment died. Who knows, I might be in that unlucky 10%? I already feel unlucky enough to be diagnosed with cancer, with no obvious sign of total recovery.), and what has to be done if so-and-so happens.

I felt like hope has really dimmed out for me. I am truly aware that there are kids, the elderly, or anybody out there that could be living a harder life than mine. I should be blessed for what I already have at the moment and how I managed to complete my basic education before moving on to this more complex and difficult part of my cancer journey.


I'mt not going to lie, nor am I going to make matters sound more dramatic than they already are - but it's the plain truth, things are getting very complicated regarding my condition.

Last year, my cancer was still considered under control. Now, it's getting more aggressive. I don't exactly know how to describe this to everyone, but since starting my second chemotherapy session in April - I can feel myself getting a whole lot better, then a whole lot worse. After each chemotherapy session (I had three, so far), I'll suffer from the side effects, then get better, and then when I go back to the hospital for my next check-up - the results of my blood tests show that my cancer cells have gone back up in high amounts. Before the results of the blood tests are out, I can already feel the cancer cells are growing again inside my body a few days prior to me going for my scheduled blood tests.

It scares me really that everything is so uncertain. It scares me that I could die and not wake up in this realm again, when I have so much left that isn't done. It scares me that this stem cell transplant isn't going to cure me 100%. It scares me that this transplant isn't the last of my treatment course. It scares me that I'm most probably going to need another six months to a year in getting rid of all of the cancers cells inside my body. It scares me that everything is so expensive, my parents are really financially burdened, and it pains me so badly that I'm unable to work, not even as a simple waitress or a dishwasher maybe to relieve them of this burden.

It saddens me that I haven't met up with my friends for a long time, then it scares me that my friends are eventually going to forget about an existence of an old friend named Leonie, whether I'm alive or dead. I do miss them so much, and it hurts to feel so left out from so many things, in terms of education, events, getting to know new friends, or just hanging out. The sad truth? Friends are just going to mourn about me for a while when I'm dead, and then move on with their individual lives. I know that wouldn't be the same for my family though, there is some comfort in that - but it saddens me again once more that they're the ones who are going to suffer from emotional and financial pain if I happen to not survive from this ordeal.

I am tearing up so badly from typing this post out, but my mum is nearby and I don't want her to see me cry.

I regret not taking my health too seriously, I was stupid for trying to complete all of my school assignments and stay up really late into the night and not getting enough rest, when I should have just given up and get punished by the teachers. Even though I'll get a bad name in school, at least there's a chance I'll be a healthier person than now and I get to enjoy life after high school. I regret not having enough fluids in my body, since I wasn't a big fan of drinking lots of water before. I regret for not treasuring my life before this, when now I'm just struggling to keep myself alive and well.

I'm getting tired from all of this cancer shit, I'm not going to deny. It has cost not only me, but also my family members and my closest of friends a lot. I'm not as strong as everybody thinks I am. I'm trying to be an inspiration to people, to let them know that their lives aren't bad at all compared to mine, to let them know not to take anything in their lives for granted. But it's getting hard to remain positive and optimistic.

I'm sorry, I do have my moments when I feel awful like this. Instead of criticising me and telling me off for these emotional breakdowns and giving some of you the impression that I'm being a weakling, like some of you unfortunately do - please, if you're truly a friend, I really need your continuous support, love, prayers and encouragement. You have my most sincerest thanks and no words can describe how grateful I am just to have all that from all of you.

I am going to feel extreme fatigue throughout my current treatment. I might be too tired to go online at all for the next month, or I might be able to go online once in a while, but I will not be able to respond to anyone if I get too tired. I'll be reading your comments, so do know that I appreciate them so much.

Till then, stay happy and healthy everyone. No matter how bad you think your life is, know that there is this blogger and cancer patient who has it worse than you, and you have no idea how much I want to live your life.

Labels: lymphoma and me, medical procedures, musings

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Hello readers! This isn't going to be a very long entry, but I just thought I felt like sharing this little experience of mine while I was in the hospital last Tuesday - the day I published my previous entry.

I did mention that I had my stem cells extracted and collected for harvesting. During the start of my session, I felt my chair vibrate. I thought it was just the machine producing strong vibrations, hence causing the chair to vibrate. I shrugged the thought away and continued observing the machine; being in awe of its complexity.

Then, the bed that was in the room started to shake as well. I assumed it was just me feeling dizzy since I was having my blood extracted from my body for filtering. My assumption continues for the next few seconds till one of the oncology nurses who was using the bed as a makeshift table jumped up from her chair so suddenly, and started asking both my parents who were there, "Did you feel that too? The place is shaking!"

My parents felt the tremors too. I then realised that the vibrations from the chair I was sitting on wasn't because of the machine, but from the earthquake that happened in Indonesia on the same day.

I am very lucky in the sense that we only felt the tremors, and things weren't too serious. Imagine me having to evacuate the hospital with me connected to one complicated and heavy machine! (I was on the fifth floor by the way.) Not forgetting the patients who are undergoing surgeries and other complex medical procedures, because quite a number of Malaysians who felt the tremors are forced to evacuate the buildings they were in.

The last time I experienced tremors was back when I was still in secondary school. I was attending a Japanese class when suddenly the tables and chairs in the classroom started to shake!

I'm thankful I'm living in Malaysia, where we are earthquake-free at the moment. Hopefully we all can stay safe with all these natural disasters happening around the world.

Cheers!

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Hello readers! I shall try not to type anything irrelevant and focus on just the events that occured since my last entry.

Firstly, I had a PICC line and CVC line inserted.

The former is done because:

1. I require multiple blood and platelet transfusions due to my low blood counts caused by chemotherapy.
   
2. I require multiple blood tests which needed blood to be drawn out quite frequently.
3. It is needed for my bone marrow transplant. I'll have to undergo a high-dose chemotherapy to kill basically nearly every living cell in my body - both cancerous and non-cancerous cells.
4. It will certainly make my life slightly easier, because then I won't need to have needles poked/inserted into me many times. With a low platelet count, my blood can't clot easily like an average healthy person, i.e. there's a possibility that I can literally bleed to death. Scarring will also be more serious, and both new scars and old take a much longer time to heal.
   

The latter is done because I need to have my stem cells extracted for harvesting for my bone marrow transplant. I went for one session yesterday, and another earlier in the morning. Hopefully I had enough stem cells collected, or I'll have to go for another session. It's quite a tiring procedure, because from how I see it - stem cell extraction works like kidney dialysis. How I would bluntly describe the process - many tubes are connected to my CVC line and to this machine, which takes my blood out and extracts my stem cells. This takes around three to four hours, maybe longer. Not something I would ever like to experience again, really.

Secondly, I have been in KL staying in the hospital for long periods of time. I can hardly remember how home in JB looks like, since I have been away so much. The moment I'm admitted, I never see the light of day(the view from the window doesn't count) till I'm discharged. And when I'm here, I normally have to stay for a minimum of five days. Go figure.

Thirdly, my side effects are really a killer this time. I'm not going to mention each and every one of them here, but I'll talk about the one that bugged me the most. I had this sore throat that was so severe, words like 'awful' and 'horrible' aren't enough to describe how bad it affected me. Something simple like swallowing became such a chore! I would equate the pain to having someone force a small sharp-edged rock down your throat. Now, imagine that kind of pain every time you have to swallow food, water and even just saliva. Not forgetting that I also had pills to take. The pain was really so bad, I tear up every time I had to swallow anything. It didn't help that I had ulcers all over my gums and tongue which conveniently multiplied the pain and discomfort of eating and drinking. Lesson learnt here - never take eating and drinking for granted. I feel lucky that I didn't need to be fed through a tube. So should all of you normal, healthy people!

Fourthly, I am recovering from a blood infection. It caused me to have a fever of the highest temperature yet - 39.8°C. I am very glad I am still sane enough to type this entry out.

Last but not least, I am proud to say that I am bald again. Like hey, which other girl you know is willing to go bald not once, but twice and had actually done it? The whole hair loss episode haunted me again shortly before me returning to KL for my third chemotherapy session. I thought it would be more practical to just shave all my hair off and spend my endurance in facing the gruelling side effects of treatment. My mum mentioned to me about getting me a wig a few times with my dad supporting the idea, but I declined. I mean, to invest in a good wig is quite pricey and my parents are already spending a whole lot of cash just to get me well and treated. I honestly don't want to add to their already existing burden because I'm insecure about my looks! I personally know that I will definitely rant about my insecurities here one day about how I currently look like, but I don't think that's going to be the main issue for now. And truthfully, it never will be.

*I kept this blog locked for a few days because I wanted to make some minor changes to the layout and make it more reader-friendly. I blame fatigue for not letting me do it all in a few short hours, which is why it took me a couple of days to sort everything out. I'll add in new things here and there once in a while, so if you're not too busy with your current lives do feel free to drop by!

I hate to sound like a parrot, but to those who are truly concerned about me, have been leaving me really nice messages on Facebook and remembering me in their prayers - they have my sincerest thanks. I also apologise for not replying to everyone that contacted me. The people-pleaser part in me is nagging at me a lot, and I feel obliged to reply - which brings up this immense guilt in me every single day. I do feel bad for not responding right away and possibly making people worry, but I'm just not up to it with my current energy levels. It might be too much to ask, but I hope that everyone can try to understand this, forgive me for very late responses that may come months after you contacted me and not assume what you don't know. To be assured of that will seriously make me feel a lot better about myself and going through treatment won't be all that bad after all. (:

Cheers!

Labels: i'm grateful and blessed for.., lymphoma and me, medical procedures

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Hello dear readers!

After two gruelling weeks, I am finally able to update everyone about what's going on in my once again chaotic battle against cancer.

Please click on the links provided if you need definitions of certain medical terms and maybe a clearer picture of what I'm trying to explain regarding my condition. (:

*A fortnight ago, I found out that the right side of my abdomen had been feeling sore. The soreness was so bad, it made me lose sleep at night. I had this coughing fit which has been going on for a month, and to those who are aware of my condition - me coughing non-stop was the major symptom that led me to finding out I had cancer. I consumed three bottles of cough syrup and there was no sign of me recovering. My oncologist in Johor Bahru also diagnosed me with a severe case of pharyngitis. I also have frequent bouts of fever exceeding 38.0°C. According to my oncologist, other than the soreness I experienced - the other symptoms were most likely to be side effects from the 25 fractions of radiotherapy I went through.

I made many trips back to the hospital to see my oncologist as my symptoms were still there after being on constant oral medication for a month. Finally, when I brought up the topic of my soreness to my oncologist - he told me that he felt a ballotable mass somewhere near my right kidney. He advised my parents and I to bring forward my PET scan.

I went for the scan the very next day, and the results were..I wouldn't say shocking, but it's certainly not optimistic at all.

My parents and I found out from the radiologist that even though the original tumour that I had had shrunk tremendously from approximately 6cm to 1.3cm, it was still there. What's more, I have five new tumours in my body - two of them being really large tumours surrounding both my kidneys, and three more smaller ones that are in positions near my lumbar vertebrae. The smaller tumours that are affecting my backbone has caused my diaphragm to be slightly dysfunctional - hence me having slight breathing difficulties, causing the sore throat and the cough. My kidneys were still functioning normally, fortunately, so nobody suspected anything like this to happen.

Surprisingly, I didn't cry hearing all that. I surprised even myself when I still managed to speak optimistically about the whole situation. I didn't even tear up. Anybody would think that I might be too taken aback by the relapse of my cancer in just three short months, and had gone disturbingly positive in reaction to such major news. But really, I just couldn't cry. What I do know - I need to seek treatment immediately.

Right after I got the results of my scan, it's back to my oncologist's clinic - and he and my haematologist in Malacca both decided that I need to go for further treatment in KL.

On the 11th of April, my parents and I went to KL. I was admitted into the hospital on that day itself. I had my bone marrow cells extracted for a biopsy and the stem cells preserved for a bone marrow transplant. (I might blog about this process in a separate blog entry.)

The next morning, I started a new course of chemotherapy with stronger drugs than those used previously for my chemotherapy sessions in Malacca last year. My first session lasted for three days continuously. I managed to stay alert for the first day, but then I eventually felt extreme fatigue and constantly slept the hours away. I had steroids given through my IV drip so many times, I lost count. The only thing I know is that the steroids have this nauseating smell, and whenever it's given to me, my arm hurt because of the pressure in my vein. (I really hate steroids, but it's vital in my course of treatment, so I guess I just have to deal with it.)

Recuperating from this chemotherapy session was nearly like living hell to not just me, but also to both my parents. I felt tired all the time, and I constantly felt weak and exhausted. I didn't have the energy to walk, to move around, to even eat or drink anything. It didn't help that the side effects of chemotherapy made me feel even worse than ever. I lost my sense of taste, and my saliva tasted like vomit. I kid you not. Food tasted terrible, and drinking any form of liquids was torturous to me. Yet, I needed to eat because I'm on oral medication and I got underweight all of a sudden. I looked like an anorexic, and I could see my bones jutting out. My physical appearance really disturbed me, and for the first time in battling cancer - I really felt like I was in the depths of despair, and nobody could pull me out. And no, I'm really not exaggerating.


Thankfully, despite me still having some of those fears - I am recovering. I know it.

I just still need to keep fighting for my life. There may be times when I feel like giving up, but I definitely won't back out no matter what.

Especially with the fact that I have so much encouragement and support from all of you readers that are truly concerned about my plight! I appreciate the texts and supportive words on my Facebook wall; they really made me stronger and cemented my drive to continue fighting cancer and not let anybody down. I'll try my best to respond to everyone, but I just want to let everyone know - I truly appreciate every single wall post, every single text, every single blog entry, every single call, every single prayer. Words are seriously not enough to describe how loved I feel, and how thankful and grateful I am.

And also, thank you to everyone who remembered my birthday! I celebrated my 18th birthday with my parents. Nothing elaborate, just a simple day out in Malacca without a worry or care about any future ordeals I have to face. I'll also try to say my thank yous to everyone who wished me!

I do apologise to my friends who called me on my birthday, but I didn't answer any of your calls. For your information, another side effect from my recent chemotherapy session is that I now have partial hearing loss affecting both my ears. I was particularly extra deaf during my birthday, so I didn't answer any phone calls because I wouldn't be able to hear a word you say. In case you're wondering how severe this problem is to me, I can hardly hear myself talking to my parents or the doctor and have to resort to near-screams to be able to at least hear myself. Crossing roads or being at a car park is even worse - I cannot estimate the distance of vehicles from me. A car can just zoom from behind me, screeching tires and all, but I either wouldn't know there's a car speeding behind me or I still think the car is quite a distance away from me. Honestly, I nearly got knocked down by a few cars because of this problem...Thankfully, my parents now know better and they now have to hold my hand to ensure I don't just wander off and make myself a danger to..well, myself.

I made a joke that even if cancer and my treatment course won't kill me first, a car accident would. I don't think my parents found it very funny. Oh well, so much for being an optimist! Hahah.

I hope everybody is satisfied with this update, and I hope this entry can take some worries out of your mind. :D

Cheers, and to all my Christian friends - Happy Easter Sunday!

Labels: i'm grateful and blessed for.., lymphoma and me, medical procedures

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