I was officially diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin's Mediastinal Large B-cell Lymphoma in July 2010. I was seventeen. I was in Form 5; my last year of secondary school, preparing to sit for the SPM examinations.

I would consider myself an average teenager - a girl who just wanted to have fun, with her quirks; trying to survive life as a teen.

It all started with me coughing non-stop after a bout of the common flu. Despite making several trips to my family doctor's clinic, the cough just won't seem to go away even after months of being under medication. Several prescriptions of cough drops later, my family doctor suggested to my parents and I to have a chest X-ray done for me.

A large tumour was discovered; situated in between my lungs, right in front of my heart. The tumour was pressing against my trachea, causing me to have slight breathing difficulties and all that coughing.

I stopped going to school almost immediately. My parents and I went on this journey to seek advice from specialists regarding my condition.

Next, I had a needle biopsy done which confirmed that the tumour consisted of active cancer cells. I had to go for a surgical biopsy to classify what kind of cells were they, so the proper treatment could be administered right away.

The cancer had then spread to my pancreas, kidneys and liver.

Afterwards, I went through six cycles of chemotherapy(R-CHOP) and self-studied for the rest of the year. I was lucky that I was fit enough to sit for my SPM examinations at the end of the year right after my last chemotherapy session scheduled for me was completed. Or else, I wouldn't be able to successfully graduate from secondary school. I had a lot of people telling me to just skip the examinations and relax for a bit, but my stubbornness got the better of me. I was determined enough then and thankfully, I did alright. At least I could fully focus on getting myself treated without worrying that I did not complete even my most basic education in Malaysia.

At the end of 2010, I went for a PET scan. My tumour did shrink, but it was still there.

When 2011 came, I went for radiotherapy this time. I had 25 fractions done.

I thought I was on the road to recovery at long last, but unfortunately…no.

A few days before my scheduled PET scan, I felt extreme soreness at the right side of my abdomen. It made me lose sleep at night, and my coughing fit was back. The oncologist in charge of my treatment for radiotherapy felt something near my right kidney. I went for a PET scan the very next day, and found out that my cancer had spread again. New tumours surrounded both my kidneys once more and my lower spine. Radiotherapy was crossed out from the possible ways of treatment, since the radiation will damage my kidneys, affecting their function tremendously.

I had three more cycles of chemotherapy(R-ICE) done. This proved effective for awhile, but after every session - the cancer would get aggressive and we went back to square one. Finally, it was decided that I was to undergo an autologous stem cell transplant. I had my stem cells harvested, and I went through a few days of high-dose chemotherapy before the transplant. I was hospitalised for a month. I had zero immunity, and blood infections which caused high fever haunted me. I made more trips back to the hospital to rid of the infections.

I am currently under quarantine and recuperating from the transplant; dealing with the side effects from both the transplant and my radiotherapy sessions - causing breathing problems, dizziness, fatigue, etc. The latter is the cause of a now weak heart.

I went for another 27 fractions of radiotherapy due to a tumour above my left kidney discovered by a PET scan in December 2011. My left kidney has lost its function.

Through another bout of coughing, I was advised to go for a chest X-ray and have an ultrasound done at the abdominal area. It is confirmed that my cancer relapsed for the third time. I am now under a new kind of medication.

***
So much had happened throughout me battling cancer.

Other than the physical challenges I have to go through, I also have to deal with my decreasing level of self-esteem and emotional health.

I do admit, I am a typical girl when it comes to me wanting to look pretty. You may call it vanity, but I say it's just me wanting to look presentable and good.

Imagine, I went bald twice; not once, but twice! Surprisingly, no tears came! (I later realised that it’s the process of waiting for my hair to grow again that’s truly challenging.)

This time, I hope I can truly make a full recovery and do my bit for the community. Also, hopefully my cancer journey as a teenager managed to inspire you and give you a more positive outlook on life. Quite a number of us assume that cancer only affects adults. On the contrary, I am a living example that that mindset is certainly untrue. It's not for me to tell you how to live your life, but you only live once, so treasure your life and your loved ones while you still can. Stop and smell the roses once in awhile, and you'll find that life is so fulfilling with just happiness and good health. A successful career, good grades - definite bonuses and great goals, but with life being so unpredictable; you'll never know what might happen next. Be content with what you already have, count your blessings and live life to the fullest without any regrets.

Believe me, I'm speaking from personal experience.

***
Click hereto go back to reading!

Hello readers.

I have a lot to blog about actually.

But recent events are making me feel tired, emotionally.

I'll update when said events resolve.

For now, to those of you who wonder - I am doing alright for now. I'm recuperating at home, living every single day knowing it is a blessing that I am still living.

I hope my readers stay safe and happy.

Take care, and cheers.

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Hello dear readers!

It's already going to be February very soon. Tomorrow, to be exact.

I'm going to make this a quick one, but it's definitely going to be slightly more detailed than my previous entry.

Recently, I have been going for radiotherapy sessions (again). The usual staff are still there, and they still remember me. Of course, no one is happy that I have to go for more fractions. It does make things easier for me; the familiar surroundings, En. Owl the joker and Kak N the sisterly figure (real names shall not be revealed here, since they are medical staff) and knowing the procedures without feeling all awkward.

I'm not let off from the side effects, though.

Since my PET scan results from last December showed that I still have this one tumour (whether it's a relapse of my cancer or my transplant unfortunately did not work out as well as everyone thought, it remains unknown. Still, I strongly believe it's the former. There are the results from various blood tests to support my opinion, even if I'm not a certified doctor or MO of any kind) at my left kidney, I was advised to go for radiotherapy once more.

According to my doctor in KL, chemotherapy won't work for me anymore; I was administered the strongest dosage prior to my stem cell transplant, and the cancer cells in my body showed resistance, apparently. Also, there's no point in damaging my healthy cells with more chemotherapy, since it isn't going to work.

So, it's daily trips to the hospital again.

All this at the expense of something - I'll lose the function of my left kidney.

The kidney is quite a fragile organ, it seems. It cannot receive more than a certain amount of radiation, or else it faces major damage.

In my case, it's either sacrificing one kidney, or sacrificing my life.

With the choices given, it's not that hard to decide, really.

I'm getting tired. Tired of all the treatments, tired of burdening my loved ones, tired of worrying the people who care for me. It hurts to see their worn-out faces too.

Will it be too much to ask for cancer to go away already and for me to get through this ordeal?

With the experience I've gained from fighting cancer, I certainly could do inspiring more people with my story. Or helping those in need now. I'm not too used being the one who needs help, to be honest. It kind of makes me feel extremely vulnerable, somehow. And I certainly don't like feeling that way.

Oh, and I don't need anybody to tell me that it's the journey that matters, and not the destination.

You guys have no idea how aware I am of that.

Till another longer post, I hope!

Happy Chinese New Year to all who celebrates it! (Technically, it lasts for 15 days, so I'm not late!)

Cheers!

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I have been trying my best to keep myself fairly busy, without overtiring myself. Sometimes, I still have this mentality that I am still a normal, healthy person and I can afford to exert myself occasionally. Unfortunately, I will only realise the consequences after I unconsciously physically tire myself out.

Anyway, I feel slightly more alert nowadays. I'm assuming it should be due to the steroids I have been prescribed by my doctor. Currently on more oral medication to hopefully stabilize my condition after the completion of my stem cell transplant.

It’s been tough, that I won’t deny.

It has been ages since I gave a proper update, so in this entry I think I'm going to clarify some matters that were of concern since the start of my transplant till now.

Bone marrow transplant? Stem cell transplant? Huh?
A lot of you are confused regarding this matter. I can understand, because if I wasn't diagnosed with cancer - I wouldn't have known any better either.

When I first started treatment in KL, my doctor told me that I have to undergo a bone marrow transplant. Therefore, that's exactly what I wrote on this blog for everyone to know. I have to go for a bone marrow transplant.

Afterwards, I started using the phrase 'stem cell transplant' in my blog. People starting asking me,

"Leonie, are you going through two different kinds of treatment now?"

"What happened to the plan of you going for a bone marrow transplant?"

"What's a stem cell transplant?"

"Leonie, you have to go through this major operation for your bone marrow transplant right?
The list of such questions goes on and on.

Okay, I'll do my best to answer these questions without adding any inaccurate information by complete accident. But you have been warned, I'm only explaining with my current level of understanding and knowledge. I'm not the doctor nor the expert here, so if I happen to get any facts wrong - don't sue me.

Apparently, bone marrow transplant = stem cell transplant. The common idea of having to undergo a bone marrow transplant in the minds of the general public is the patient and the donor are required to be given general anaesthesia(GA), i.e. both patients are unconscious during the operation. A part of the bone marrow is extracted from the donor, and that part is given to the patient - all these happen during the surgery.

With the advancement in medical science, we now have this procedure called the stem cell transplant. It works the same way as the bone marrow transplant, but the procedures are different.

The treatment I went through required me to have a CVC line inserted at my neck(this was a minor operation by the way, only local anaesthesia(LA) was administed at my neck). This functions to extract my blood from my body and through this medical equipment – separates the different kinds of cells in your blood. After that, the stem cells are preserved till the patient's transplant. High dose chemotherapy is given, and the stem cells returned to the patient.

I wasn't knocked out in any way at all.

This treatment I went through is also known as autologous stem cell transplantation.

Life during/after the transplant.
It didn’t make any difference being discharged from the hospital after I was done with my transplant. (I was there for approximately three weeks for my transplant.) I was re-admitted again and again due to quite serious cases of blood infection that caused me to have high fever that nearly hit 40°C. You do the math. All I can tell you is that my head feels really sore after so many bouts of high fever; my brain’s been getting stressed out a lot.

It’s definitely not easy for my parents either, having to rush me all the way to the hospital in KL. Mind you, that’s five hours of driving for my dad and exhaustion, stress and unhealthy meals for both my parents. Not forgetting the costs of staying in the hospital to get treatment. Worrying my brother as well, knowing that he lives in another part of KL and despite his busy schedule in university and all – wants to come over and keep me company.

Did I mention that I have very supportive and awesome family members? Yeah, I think I mentioned that before.

I really hope that’s the end of all that.

While the cells are readjusting themselves in the body post-transplant, patients will go through a variety of side effects. Some of the unfortunate events I went through are:

1. Vomiting blood. Twice. This caused some commotion for the nurses and my doctor. I then found out that the news of me vomitting blood had spread to nearly all of the staff in the entire bulding. Go figure.
   
   
2. More bouts of high fever, causing me to feel extremely cold and shiver a lot. I remember needing to have three to four layers of blankets in attempt to help me feel more comfortable, plus I wore mittens, socks and a wool hat. A few nurses said that I looked like I was all geared up for winter, ready for a skiing trip. I'll leave it to your imagination.
   
   
3. More vomiting...
   
   
4. A very bad sore throat and tongue. Swallowing was really a pain. It's very similar to what I had to go through before, and you can read about it here. Felt more awful though throughout the treatment process.

All these, went on for about two months or so. I didn't want to worry anybody on purpose, you see. You try going through all the shit I had to go through, and see whether you're fit good enough to go online and respond to people, even if you've really wanted to.

This is just a scam! They are just con artists!
As a result, my family and I were accused of cheating people of their money, and running off after getting their cash. Some said that my parents were using me or taking advantage of me to con people of their money. Others said that I edited my photo to look bald, and convince people that I have cancer.


I wish some people would just have some common sense for a bit!

Cancer isn't funny at all. Cancer is something so serious, it is capable of taking your loved ones' lives away.

Who bloody wants to end up with cancer anyway? Definitely no one, of course!

Cancer is not a joking matter. Seriously, to all of you who have thought this way - my family and I are seriously hurt by your remarks. Honestly, I really want sincere apologies from each and every one of you idiots!

But as of now, all I want to do is to fully recover. Cause my parents, my friends, my loved ones, or anybody that knows me - less worry, less sadness.

I would like to use vulgarities in the entry to release my anger for the people as I've described earlier, but I rather not. At least, not for now.

A note to these people: I have no reason to cheat any of you. If you choose not to believe me, and still think that I faked cancer(PFFFFT!) - that's all up to you. I didn't do anything wrong, and I don't see any need to explain myself to convince you. Stay in that little box of yours, and rot there for all I care. I'm too tired, and I rather save my energy to recuperate properly. So there!

All this drama makes me so grateful and glad that there are still good Samaritans out there who are willing to help me out. (I'm going to leave this to another entry, good people deserve a nice, long post about them all to themselves!)

***I'm going to stop here for the moment. If I keep this entry too long, nobody would bother to read it.

I FIND IT EXCEPTIONALLY ANNOYING THAT PEOPLE STILL ASK ME QUESTIONS REPEATEDLY WHEN I HAVE ALREADY ANSWERED THEM IN MY BLOG.

FIRST, SOME OF YOU SAY THAT I'M CAUSING PEOPLE TO WORRY ABOUT MY CONDITION BY NOT UDPATING.

SO I UPDATED.

BUT THEN, THESE SAME PEOPLE JUST HAVE TO ASK ME THE SAME FREAKING QUESTIONS THAT I HAVE JUST ANSWERED ON MY BLOG!

TELL ME, WHAT IS THE POINT OF ME BLOGGING IF YOU AREN'T EVEN GOING TO READ IT? YET, YOU ALL ARE BEING SUCH HYPOCRITES FOR PESTERING ME TO UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE!

I am trying my best to rest more, to recover quickly from cancer. And this is what I get in return.

Oh gosh, is it that hard to get a little bit of understanding from people like them?

Again, I am grateful to those who do understand. Thank you, you and you!

I realised that I've just blogged these pent-up emotions I have been keeping to myself since the start of my transplant.

I do feel a little bit better, but there are still unsettled issues. I'll blog about them another time.

Meanwhile, I hope this entry is satisfying to everyone - both the good, and the bad.

Cheers!

Labels: i'm grateful and blessed for.., lymphoma and me, medical procedures

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I am not exaggerating, but my parents are draining their savings empty and spent pretty much every dollar, cent and dime just to fund for my treatments since July 2010.

It doesn't help that the current treatment I'm undergoing now, which is the stem cell transplant - is the most costly out of all of the medical procedures I've been through.

My parents are aware that I actually am desperate to start studying in college. So they still refuse to touch my college fund, unless it is the last final resort.

Friends, old and new...

This is a sincere plea for help from me,
on behalf of my immediate family members -
my parents and my elder brother.
We are really low on cash. I hate to have to ask for help, but seeing how tough it is for both my parents to pay for all those costly medical bills and my brother for being considerate to consider our spendings and tries to save as much as he can so he can relieve my parents of some burden. He's still studying in university, and the last thing I want to see that happens is my brother dropping out of his course just to help support me. I'm already robbed of my chance of an education, so why rob my brother of his?

At least, if I ever were to unfortunately die - my brother will have enough qualifications to find a better job and support my parents in the future.

At the very least, this is what everyone in my family deserves for taking such great care of me throughout my course of treatment. In fact, since I was born to be exact!

I was given a chance to live, yet it is not for me to choose how long I can live this life as my current identity. I have to say, I'm thankful for having the chance to be born as Leonie. Someone who isn't your typical ordinary person, yet still uniquely me - learning something new everyday and meeting new people; creating new experiences and memories for me.

I truly do not know how much longer my cancer journey is going to take. I don't know how many types of treatment I still have to face after this. I still have no idea how much longer I'm going to live.

Please spread the word around for me. If there is anything you need to know such as my bank account details, approximate cost of treatment, etc., feel free to inbox me through Facebook or leave me a comment on this blog. If you prefer to be kept anonymous, I will not publish your comment - but please leave me your email, contact number, Facebook profile or anything that will make it easier and convenient to discuss everything out.

You have my utmost, sincerest thanks.

Thank you for taking the time to read this entry, and thank you for spreading the word around.

I really hope to hear some good news soon. (':

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Hello readers! This isn't going to be a very long entry, but I just thought I felt like sharing this little experience of mine while I was in the hospital last Tuesday - the day I published my previous entry.

I did mention that I had my stem cells extracted and collected for harvesting. During the start of my session, I felt my chair vibrate. I thought it was just the machine producing strong vibrations, hence causing the chair to vibrate. I shrugged the thought away and continued observing the machine; being in awe of its complexity.

Then, the bed that was in the room started to shake as well. I assumed it was just me feeling dizzy since I was having my blood extracted from my body for filtering. My assumption continues for the next few seconds till one of the oncology nurses who was using the bed as a makeshift table jumped up from her chair so suddenly, and started asking both my parents who were there, "Did you feel that too? The place is shaking!"

My parents felt the tremors too. I then realised that the vibrations from the chair I was sitting on wasn't because of the machine, but from the earthquake that happened in Indonesia on the same day.

I am very lucky in the sense that we only felt the tremors, and things weren't too serious. Imagine me having to evacuate the hospital with me connected to one complicated and heavy machine! (I was on the fifth floor by the way.) Not forgetting the patients who are undergoing surgeries and other complex medical procedures, because quite a number of Malaysians who felt the tremors are forced to evacuate the buildings they were in.

The last time I experienced tremors was back when I was still in secondary school. I was attending a Japanese class when suddenly the tables and chairs in the classroom started to shake!

I'm thankful I'm living in Malaysia, where we are earthquake-free at the moment. Hopefully we all can stay safe with all these natural disasters happening around the world.

Cheers!

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Hello readers! I shall try not to type anything irrelevant and focus on just the events that occured since my last entry.

Firstly, I had a PICC line and CVC line inserted.

The former is done because:

1. I require multiple blood and platelet transfusions due to my low blood counts caused by chemotherapy.
   
2. I require multiple blood tests which needed blood to be drawn out quite frequently.
3. It is needed for my bone marrow transplant. I'll have to undergo a high-dose chemotherapy to kill basically nearly every living cell in my body - both cancerous and non-cancerous cells.
4. It will certainly make my life slightly easier, because then I won't need to have needles poked/inserted into me many times. With a low platelet count, my blood can't clot easily like an average healthy person, i.e. there's a possibility that I can literally bleed to death. Scarring will also be more serious, and both new scars and old take a much longer time to heal.
   

The latter is done because I need to have my stem cells extracted for harvesting for my bone marrow transplant. I went for one session yesterday, and another earlier in the morning. Hopefully I had enough stem cells collected, or I'll have to go for another session. It's quite a tiring procedure, because from how I see it - stem cell extraction works like kidney dialysis. How I would bluntly describe the process - many tubes are connected to my CVC line and to this machine, which takes my blood out and extracts my stem cells. This takes around three to four hours, maybe longer. Not something I would ever like to experience again, really.

Secondly, I have been in KL staying in the hospital for long periods of time. I can hardly remember how home in JB looks like, since I have been away so much. The moment I'm admitted, I never see the light of day(the view from the window doesn't count) till I'm discharged. And when I'm here, I normally have to stay for a minimum of five days. Go figure.

Thirdly, my side effects are really a killer this time. I'm not going to mention each and every one of them here, but I'll talk about the one that bugged me the most. I had this sore throat that was so severe, words like 'awful' and 'horrible' aren't enough to describe how bad it affected me. Something simple like swallowing became such a chore! I would equate the pain to having someone force a small sharp-edged rock down your throat. Now, imagine that kind of pain every time you have to swallow food, water and even just saliva. Not forgetting that I also had pills to take. The pain was really so bad, I tear up every time I had to swallow anything. It didn't help that I had ulcers all over my gums and tongue which conveniently multiplied the pain and discomfort of eating and drinking. Lesson learnt here - never take eating and drinking for granted. I feel lucky that I didn't need to be fed through a tube. So should all of you normal, healthy people!

Fourthly, I am recovering from a blood infection. It caused me to have a fever of the highest temperature yet - 39.8°C. I am very glad I am still sane enough to type this entry out.

Last but not least, I am proud to say that I am bald again. Like hey, which other girl you know is willing to go bald not once, but twice and had actually done it? The whole hair loss episode haunted me again shortly before me returning to KL for my third chemotherapy session. I thought it would be more practical to just shave all my hair off and spend my endurance in facing the gruelling side effects of treatment. My mum mentioned to me about getting me a wig a few times with my dad supporting the idea, but I declined. I mean, to invest in a good wig is quite pricey and my parents are already spending a whole lot of cash just to get me well and treated. I honestly don't want to add to their already existing burden because I'm insecure about my looks! I personally know that I will definitely rant about my insecurities here one day about how I currently look like, but I don't think that's going to be the main issue for now. And truthfully, it never will be.

*I kept this blog locked for a few days because I wanted to make some minor changes to the layout and make it more reader-friendly. I blame fatigue for not letting me do it all in a few short hours, which is why it took me a couple of days to sort everything out. I'll add in new things here and there once in a while, so if you're not too busy with your current lives do feel free to drop by!

I hate to sound like a parrot, but to those who are truly concerned about me, have been leaving me really nice messages on Facebook and remembering me in their prayers - they have my sincerest thanks. I also apologise for not replying to everyone that contacted me. The people-pleaser part in me is nagging at me a lot, and I feel obliged to reply - which brings up this immense guilt in me every single day. I do feel bad for not responding right away and possibly making people worry, but I'm just not up to it with my current energy levels. It might be too much to ask, but I hope that everyone can try to understand this, forgive me for very late responses that may come months after you contacted me and not assume what you don't know. To be assured of that will seriously make me feel a lot better about myself and going through treatment won't be all that bad after all. (:

Cheers!

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Hello dear readers!

After two gruelling weeks, I am finally able to update everyone about what's going on in my once again chaotic battle against cancer.

Please click on the links provided if you need definitions of certain medical terms and maybe a clearer picture of what I'm trying to explain regarding my condition. (:

*A fortnight ago, I found out that the right side of my abdomen had been feeling sore. The soreness was so bad, it made me lose sleep at night. I had this coughing fit which has been going on for a month, and to those who are aware of my condition - me coughing non-stop was the major symptom that led me to finding out I had cancer. I consumed three bottles of cough syrup and there was no sign of me recovering. My oncologist in Johor Bahru also diagnosed me with a severe case of pharyngitis. I also have frequent bouts of fever exceeding 38.0°C. According to my oncologist, other than the soreness I experienced - the other symptoms were most likely to be side effects from the 25 fractions of radiotherapy I went through.

I made many trips back to the hospital to see my oncologist as my symptoms were still there after being on constant oral medication for a month. Finally, when I brought up the topic of my soreness to my oncologist - he told me that he felt a ballotable mass somewhere near my right kidney. He advised my parents and I to bring forward my PET scan.

I went for the scan the very next day, and the results were..I wouldn't say shocking, but it's certainly not optimistic at all.

My parents and I found out from the radiologist that even though the original tumour that I had had shrunk tremendously from approximately 6cm to 1.3cm, it was still there. What's more, I have five new tumours in my body - two of them being really large tumours surrounding both my kidneys, and three more smaller ones that are in positions near my lumbar vertebrae. The smaller tumours that are affecting my backbone has caused my diaphragm to be slightly dysfunctional - hence me having slight breathing difficulties, causing the sore throat and the cough. My kidneys were still functioning normally, fortunately, so nobody suspected anything like this to happen.

Surprisingly, I didn't cry hearing all that. I surprised even myself when I still managed to speak optimistically about the whole situation. I didn't even tear up. Anybody would think that I might be too taken aback by the relapse of my cancer in just three short months, and had gone disturbingly positive in reaction to such major news. But really, I just couldn't cry. What I do know - I need to seek treatment immediately.

Right after I got the results of my scan, it's back to my oncologist's clinic - and he and my haematologist in Malacca both decided that I need to go for further treatment in KL.

On the 11th of April, my parents and I went to KL. I was admitted into the hospital on that day itself. I had my bone marrow cells extracted for a biopsy and the stem cells preserved for a bone marrow transplant. (I might blog about this process in a separate blog entry.)

The next morning, I started a new course of chemotherapy with stronger drugs than those used previously for my chemotherapy sessions in Malacca last year. My first session lasted for three days continuously. I managed to stay alert for the first day, but then I eventually felt extreme fatigue and constantly slept the hours away. I had steroids given through my IV drip so many times, I lost count. The only thing I know is that the steroids have this nauseating smell, and whenever it's given to me, my arm hurt because of the pressure in my vein. (I really hate steroids, but it's vital in my course of treatment, so I guess I just have to deal with it.)

Recuperating from this chemotherapy session was nearly like living hell to not just me, but also to both my parents. I felt tired all the time, and I constantly felt weak and exhausted. I didn't have the energy to walk, to move around, to even eat or drink anything. It didn't help that the side effects of chemotherapy made me feel even worse than ever. I lost my sense of taste, and my saliva tasted like vomit. I kid you not. Food tasted terrible, and drinking any form of liquids was torturous to me. Yet, I needed to eat because I'm on oral medication and I got underweight all of a sudden. I looked like an anorexic, and I could see my bones jutting out. My physical appearance really disturbed me, and for the first time in battling cancer - I really felt like I was in the depths of despair, and nobody could pull me out. And no, I'm really not exaggerating.


Thankfully, despite me still having some of those fears - I am recovering. I know it.

I just still need to keep fighting for my life. There may be times when I feel like giving up, but I definitely won't back out no matter what.

Especially with the fact that I have so much encouragement and support from all of you readers that are truly concerned about my plight! I appreciate the texts and supportive words on my Facebook wall; they really made me stronger and cemented my drive to continue fighting cancer and not let anybody down. I'll try my best to respond to everyone, but I just want to let everyone know - I truly appreciate every single wall post, every single text, every single blog entry, every single call, every single prayer. Words are seriously not enough to describe how loved I feel, and how thankful and grateful I am.

And also, thank you to everyone who remembered my birthday! I celebrated my 18th birthday with my parents. Nothing elaborate, just a simple day out in Malacca without a worry or care about any future ordeals I have to face. I'll also try to say my thank yous to everyone who wished me!

I do apologise to my friends who called me on my birthday, but I didn't answer any of your calls. For your information, another side effect from my recent chemotherapy session is that I now have partial hearing loss affecting both my ears. I was particularly extra deaf during my birthday, so I didn't answer any phone calls because I wouldn't be able to hear a word you say. In case you're wondering how severe this problem is to me, I can hardly hear myself talking to my parents or the doctor and have to resort to near-screams to be able to at least hear myself. Crossing roads or being at a car park is even worse - I cannot estimate the distance of vehicles from me. A car can just zoom from behind me, screeching tires and all, but I either wouldn't know there's a car speeding behind me or I still think the car is quite a distance away from me. Honestly, I nearly got knocked down by a few cars because of this problem...Thankfully, my parents now know better and they now have to hold my hand to ensure I don't just wander off and make myself a danger to..well, myself.

I made a joke that even if cancer and my treatment course won't kill me first, a car accident would. I don't think my parents found it very funny. Oh well, so much for being an optimist! Hahah.

I hope everybody is satisfied with this update, and I hope this entry can take some worries out of your mind. :D

Cheers, and to all my Christian friends - Happy Easter Sunday!

Labels: i'm grateful and blessed for.., lymphoma and me, medical procedures

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If you got redirected here through Facebook or Twitter and clicked on the link just to know my results - I'm sorry to disappoint you, but it's not going to happen. But you have to admit, it got your attention, didn't it? ;)

Anyway, to those of you who do know what my results are - please keep it to yourself. You'll be doing me a major favour, and I would really appreciate that.

To sum it all up:

1. I passed SPM 2010.
2. I didn't score straight A's.
   
3. I did better than I expected.
4. I did well for English. I didn't let En. Ismail down.
   
5. My parents and brother are happy with my results.
6. I'm grateful because I managed to take all ten subjects for SPM and sat for every paper despite my condition. (Some people suggested to my parents that I should drop all the electives and just sit for the core subjects. I told my parents that I didn't want to waste the money they spent on me attending tuition classes and the time I spent learning all the electives before getting cancer.)
   

A few individuals told me about my schoolmates' results. Generally, they were telling me that I did much better than them. My schoolmates continued schooling and attended tuition throughout the year, while I went for chemotherapy sessions, hospital check-ups, blood tests and biopsies. I was forced to stay at home. The said individuals told me that I got pretty excellent results through my own effort. I could have scored straight A's if I was cancer-free and led life normally.

I felt bad listening to all of their comments. I felt that they have to bring someone down to make me feel better about myself. It's nearly like the basis of bullying. I felt like a bully who bullied others to comfort and comfort my own low self-esteem.

This is one of the reasons why I don't want to publicise my results online. I don't want people who got worse results than me to feel stupid or bad. I don't want to be the cause of further distress and upset.

I don't want their thoughts to be contaminated with notions like this or similar to this:


Honestly, no matter how well or how badly we did for SPM - the results cannot be changed. Getting good results doesn't mean you're going to secure a pass for the future. Getting bad results doesn't mean that your future is ruined.

Truthfully, if I didn't get diagnosed with cancer - I wouldn't be saying all of this. I might think it's the end of the world if I got anything other than a A for any of my subjects.

But I was diagnosed with cancer. And I went through so much. I fought hard just to stay alive. I aspire to make a great change to this world. I want to spend more time with my family and friends. I want to contribute back to society.

If I lost my life to cancer, I wouldn't even get the chance to sit for any exam. I wouldn't even get a chance to score badly for anything.

And I just want my peers who feel that their SPM results are horrible and are reading this entry - you got the most priceless thing in the world that I don't have. Something that cannot ever be bought with money.


The results that will certainly determine my life isn't my SPM results. It's the results of my PET scan next month.

And that, is all what matters to me now.

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And I don't see the end yet. Not at all.

Hello reader(s). It's been some time since I last blogged. I miss blogging, honestly.

For me, SPM ended about one week ago. The 9th of December 2010 was the day when some of my peers who took their last papers screamed for joy and celebrated their freedom. The day which marked the end of high school for us.

That day was one of my most miserable moments in life. I cried right after the invigilator left the counselling room where I was isolated from the rest throughout SPM. I did badly for Accounts Paper 2, and ended up writing some nonsense just to fill in the answer sheets.

In the room, I can hear laughter and shrieks of happiness.

Through the window, I can see my friends and classmates jumping around, taking photos and videos. They're hugging each other too.

Everyone was just happy that their last paper was over.

Except for me.

I never felt so left out before.

I can't hug my friends, because I'm susceptible to infections and contagious illnesses. And I don't think most of my friends even remembered that I was there, in the counselling room, amidst their joy and laughter.

I felt..forgotten.

Being away from school for half a year is not as awesome as most of my peers think. I can't see my friends, I can't keep up with my studies. People seem to think that I have a lot of time to study and do revision in the comforts of my own home.

Wrong. I spend most of the time recuperating from the side effects of chemotherapy. I hardly have the energy to study the first few months of me receiving treatment. And, I also happen to spend most of my time in the hospital and in Malacca. Stop making assumptions if you don't have the facts.

It's as if I'm slowly fading from everyone's memories.

It's as if..I don't exist in their lives anymore.

It's just painful for me to have these kind of thoughts haunting my head, whether they're true or not.

My mum never fails to remind me that there is no such thing as 'friends forever'. I believe in that too, since most of the friendships I'd been in just don't work out in the end. It's undeniable that generally, everybody is selfish. Everybody wants the good things for their ownselves. Not everybody likes to share.

My mum also never fails to tell me that I'm too soft. It's true. I treasure my friends a lot. They mean so much to me. Betraying their secrets that they trusted me with or bitching about them is the last thing that I'll do. I do my best to help them out if they have any problems. I'm their shoulder for them to lean on. I'm the listener among my friends. I don't know how to say no to my friends' requests or favours.

It's only now, when I have cancer, I know who my real friends are.

People who I thought that could care less about me, continuously offered me the encouragement and support I need.

There are friends that stuck by me all the way, and still are.

Then there are the bad apples. I'm not in the mood to elaborate now.

I have many dissatisfactions to blog about. But I guess I'll just have to save them for later.

To summarise, I'm not cancer-free yet. The tumour inside of me is still active, but it is now smaller than before. It is now measuring at 6cm. I'll be undergoing radiotherapy in Johor Bahru, and most probably I have to deal with 20 to 25 fractions. That means I'll have to undergo radiotherapy for at least 20 to 25 days. Maybe more, maybe less. A month after treatment, and I'll go for another PET scan. If the results are still negative, I'll have to undergo a bone marrow transplant. You did not read that wrongly.

My life is in constant danger everyday. Waking up to a new day knowing that I'm still alive is a miracle.

So a friendly note to my peers who complain they are super bored with life after SPM, be grateful you don't have my so-called exciting life. If you're really that bored, go help out with the house chores, get a job, hang out with friends, spend time with your family, or indulge in your hobbies. I can't believe you guys can actually be bored when there is so much you guys can do, that I can't.

Cheers.

Labels: i'm grateful and blessed for.., life lessons, lymphoma and me, medical procedures, musings

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Chiara, Nicole, Flora, Erica and Carinn, thank you so much for the handmade card. I appreciate the effort you guys put in to do this for me. I'm really touched by the gesture. Even my parents are, too. (:

Hopefully, once I get the green light from my doctor, I'll be free to hang out with all of you after SPM is done. ;)

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I'll be leaving for Malacca again tomorrow. I really hope that Monday will be my last visit to the hospital for chemotherapy. Sure, I'll be making occasional trips there for checkups. But honestly, like how I'd been telling my close friends - I really can't wait to get this cancer shit over and done with.

Five months of my precious final year in high school was and still is being spent self-quarantined at home. I wouldn't call myself a social butterfly, but I enjoy interacting with different people. Going to school and attending tuition classes allow me to do so. Honestly, I'm not the kind of person who enjoys being cooped up at home so much.

Sure, there are the pros and cons. I bonded with my family members a lot since me getting to know I have cancer, especially my mum. Everybody is being very nice and patient with me. No matter how moody, cranky or worried they are, they will immediately put a smile on their faces when it comes to talking to me and reassuring me that I am indeed going to fully recover from lymphoma. I appreciate that a lot. I am truly blessed to have such awesome family members, even if they have their flaws. Hey, we're all perfectly imperfect. Beyond those imperfections, there are that little bit of themselves which makes them uniquely them.

It's already the 30th of October. Starting from November onwards, I am going to take a break from the online world and focus on doing well for SPM. Of course, I'm aiming for straight A's. It's the least I can do to please my parents and make them proud of me. Not forgetting some of my schoolteachers who believe in my abilities to score well in SPM. Still, I have to take my health into consideration. Definitely, I'll do my best in the exams. The results? I'll just have to hope that the examiners who are marking my papers will be in a tremendously good mood and be more lenient with whatever answers I can come up with then.

After the first week of SPM, I'm due for a PET scan. That scan will determine whether I have to go back for more chemotherapy sessions or whether I'm cancer-free or not. Who doesn't hope for the latter?

I sincerely hope that this journey of mine can come to an end really soon. It hasn't been easy, but I'm glad that I'd managed to make it this far.

Cheers!

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Being a cancer patient now, especially at this particular age - I honestly regret the past me. Me who did not understand the ups and downs of an individual who has cancer.

I read many newspaper articles over the years about cancer patients and survivors of different ages, telling their stories. I have seen charity shows on television, seeking funds to help the needy. All of them have their problems and difficulties.

As part of an audience, their stories can impact your lives. You can either choose to help them or people in similar situations, or not give a damn at all.

I was one of the people who watch and read their stories. Then, I feel bad because I'm not able to do much to help them. Next, I'll remind myself of one of my personal vows to make sure that I give back to society - financially when I have a stable income, physically and emotionally as a girl who has been blessed enough compared to how life has treated them. Finally, I'll say a silent prayer, thanking the Creator for my current life. The cycle repeats itself over and over.

So, when cancer hit me, it made me grow up really quickly. I learnt life lessons in a matter of days, months even that might take others nearly a lifetime to learn. Maybe never at all.

As much as people claim to understand my situation or my family's, in the end, it's really up to my own willpower to fight this annoying shit called lymphoma. The support, encouragement, prayers and well-wishes I have been getting all this while from my family, relatives, friends, teachers, tuition teachers, acquaintances and even strangers - they sure make me stronger, and their good intentions remind me of a very solid reason to fight on and get cancer over and done with.

Hey! I'm still seventeen. There are so many things I want to do - things that I'm passionate about, ambitions to achieve, fears to conquer, and of course - to enjoy the simplicity of joy and happiness.

There was a possibility that lymphoma could have taken my life away. There was a possibility that my parents would lose a daughter. My brother, a sister. My buddies, a friend. My teachers, a student. The people who know me, a familiar face. And the list goes on and on.

I took a lot of things for granted before. Funny how you only start to appreciate someone or something only when they are gone.

Knowing me, I put a lot of unnecessary pressure on myself. Hence, as of the 5th of July this year, my new motto in life is to definitely stop and smell the roses. I think all of us should, too.

Sometimes, I wish I could live a simple village life, where materialism hardly exists and activities like catching fish in rivers that are hardly polluted, climbing up trees and simple games are capable of bringing smiles to faces. Where the womenfolk do their household chores together, and hear them chattering away from matters ranging from the day's weather or the neighbour's daughter getting married off to some wealthy man. A place where the hustle and bustle of city life and its complications would not turn most of us into schemers, liars and betrayers.

With the aforementioned statement, I think I would like to experience a homestay programme. And of course, I want to go backpacking and explore outside Malaysia. Open up my eyes more, and see the beauty of simple, everyday matters in lands of rich cultures and traditions, unique and special in their own ways.

I know in everyday blog posts and conversations, I don't sound that deep.

Honestly, thoughts and opinions like these are what my brain processes the most.

I think last-minute studying for SPM is also playing a part in why I'm blogging about matters like these.

Cheers to all!

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-Past and Present, ©KrnBrdMnNix.-
Up till this very second typing this entry out, I'm lucky that I'm still alive and well.

When I just found out I had cancer two months ago, a lot of people made the effort to contact me on Facebook and through calls and text messages to convey their well-wishes, support and encouragement for me. Close friends, friends, relatives, teachers, tutors - it doesn't matter who they are, I'm grateful and thankful for everything they've done for me.

There was a period of time when I was a mini celebrity among these people. I got a lot of attention, whether I liked it or not.

And then I found out something about a particular someone I personally know.

Said someone really loves attention. Said someone will do nearly everything and anything that's not against the rules or the law to attract attention. Said someone is a very loud person.

Nah, there's nothing wrong with all of those qualities about her, really. Said someone is quite likeable, and has many friends. Maybe it's just me, and I choose to be not that close to said someone.

I don't really talk to said someone unless completely necessary. I rather mind my own business. I don't dislike her, but said someone's presence makes me feel very uncomfortable.

Whenever I'm in situations that causes the spotlight to be on me, said someone will never fail to stare at me with 'the look'. I find it very difficult to explain 'the look' to my readers here, hence me calling the way said someone stares at me - 'the look'. It's as if said someone is very displeased that I'm gaining all this attention, even if it's just something momentary.

At first, I thought it was just me. Maybe I was just being too sensitive, or I was thinking too much into it.

After years of observation and confirmation from a close friend, I realised that all my thoughts and opinions about said someone were unfortunately true.

And finally, here comes the worst part.


I was shocked. I was amazed. After the fact had fully sunk in, I couldn't help but feel disgusted at the same time as well.

Well, said someone isn't that active in the online community. But here's a message for that said someone.

You really have no idea what you're asking for. It's easy for healthy and cancer-free people to say that people who have cancer just have to undergo radiotherapy and chemotherapy. They're just words to some people.

Going for radiotherapy or/and chemotherapy isn't as simple as one may think. I can't say much about radiotherapy, but I can tell you, chemotherapy literally poisons the body. Chemotherapy kills both cancerous and non-cancerous cells. Chemotherapy has many side-effects, and can affect an individual during or/and after treatment. Side-effects include hair loss, mood swings, stomachaches, headaches, blurred vision, and nausea. There's more. Seriously.

You aren't encouraged to go out often because you have literally zero immunity. You have a high risk of falling sick easily. And if you do fall sick, the consequences are ten times worse than when an average person falls sick. It's because your immune system is nearly non-existent. You will not be capable of fighting viruses, germs and bacteria in/on your body like before.

You'll have scans to go for. You'll have needles constantly being poked into you. You'll have to deal with a strict diet. You'll have your blood repeatedly taken to check on the number of white blood cells you have. You'll feel tired far too easily, and too often. Your usual lifestyle before having cancer has to undergo a 360 degree turn.

Treatment and hospital stays don't come in cheap. Will it make you feel good knowing that your medical condition may be burdening your parents? Having your parents and family members adjusting their lifestyles to suit your needs? The worry and fear you have to put them through?

Seriously, what in the world were you thinking to even harbour the thought to have cancer just for the sake of attention?

When I found out I have cancer and knowing that there is this pretty large tumour situated right between my lungs and in front of my heart, pressing against my superior vena cava, it felt like I was standing on this thin line between life and death.

If I were to find out about my condition much later, I can't even bear to think of what might happen.

Problems that seemed so major before, actually seems trivial now, compared to everything I have been through. For the record, I went for a surgery before, was in a coma and even was sent to the ICU for that. I have to say, I'm proud to have survived all that. But of course, it would have been better if it wasn't necessary for me to endure procedures like that.

The moral of the story? Do appreciate your life as who you are now. Appreciate every single moment of your life. There are bound to be both good and bad times. You can't expect life to go your way every time.

Cheers!

Labels: i'm grateful and blessed for.., life lessons, lymphoma and me, medical procedures, musings

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-Freedom, ©PuncieGraphics.-
Having two legs and two arms, I feel lucky for the gift of movement.

I think some of us take it for granted that we are blessed with a regular body. While some of us are complaining about fat thighs, love handles, a big nose or feet that are too small, some of us aren't that lucky.

Some individuals are disabled. Disabled in the sense that certain parts of their bodies are paralysed. Disabled in the sense that they are bed-ridden. Disabled in the sense that they had their fingers, hands, arms, toes, feet, legs, thighs amputated due to accidents or medical conditions. Disabled in the sense that they are subjected to using a wheelchair for the rest of their lives. Disabled in the sense that they may be born with deformities.

But no, we shall not pity the aforementioned people. We will not feel sorry for them.

In fact, I think we should treat them as equals. We should respect them and not take advantage of disabled-friendly facilities. In my humble opinion, they do not want us to treat them differently from how we treat others. They want to feel like normal people too.

I look up to them, for it is certainly not easy to get used to a lifestyle like that. They are strong, and they have to find ways and methods to face situations and daily routines. Activities that seem simple to us, may come through as difficulties and challenges for them.

Let's say, you want to brush your teeth. You take your toothbrush. Next, you want to squeeze some toothpaste onto your toothbrush. Simple right?

Now, in the eyes of someone who has lost the ability to use either one of their hands. Maybe both! Some have to resort to using their feet to brush their teeth. Other have to figure out another way to overcome what seems to be something easy for us with both hands and arms. Do you see what I'm trying to say?

I have experienced what it's like to be lacking in movement. Like the time when I went for a minor surgery to test for what kind of lymphoma I have. I was bed-ridden for a few days. I guess it was because I never went through a surgery before, I ended up pretty weak from it. I had to have nurses to help me clean myself.

I had experienced being pushed around with a wheelchair. After my second chemo session, one of the unexpected side-effects was me having pain and soreness in the bones and my muscles, which affected my entire left arm. I couldn't move it properly for nearly two weeks. And yes, it was certainly quite tough to get used to a new lifestyle in which I couldn't type with two hands, I couldn't move heavy objects, and even simple things like taking a shower or brushing my teeth was pretty difficult.

So to all my readers, do love your body. No matter of what shape or size you are, you are lucky for having the use of both your arms and legs. Movement is a blessing you know. A walk in the park to take in the sceneries, running to catch up with a friend or two, or even dancing.

Some of us may take the gift of movement for granted, but here I am, in hopes that we all can feel how blessed we are with this gift.

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Shin.1966 - 2009. "She lives forever in the hearts of those who knew her, and know of her."
I watched a documentary about her battle against cancer on Mediacorp's Channel 8 in 2008, back when I was still fifteen. I was really touched by her strong will and constant optimism despite her condition.

I found her blog and sent her an e-mail, expressing how wowed I am by her. All I wanted then was to tell her to keep up the good fight, and she was doing at good job at it; I learnt a lot about life in that one night through her documentary and blog entries than in my fifteen years of living life - complaining and whining when I was actually one lucky brat. I honestly didn't expect her to reply.

Guess what? She did.

I would like to share her reply to me with all of my readers. It also works as a reminder to me that I should keep up the good fight as well. I hope she doesn't mind, but I personally don't think she will; bless her good soul.

11th November 2008.

Leonie,

Thanks for your kind e-mail. It's taken me a while to respond because I only just saw it. I look at my Gmail account once every week or so. This Yahoo account is more reliable if you want to contact me.

I truly appreciate your words of praise and encouragement.

You say that you're a 15-year-old Malaysian student and that you're not good with words? You should know that your short note was more articulate, well-written, and intelligently expressed than most of the comments I've been getting - many of them, adult professionals.

I don't know what you plan on doing with your future, but with your gift of expression, I think you've got a bright future ahead of you, professionally. And more important, you seem to have a maturity and insight beyond your age. I'm betting that you go on do something great with your life - not in terms of money or fame, but something that will make a difference to the people and the community around you.

Thanks, and good luck to you.

Shin

*** Shin had really good foresight. Even if I personally don't think so, I guess my friends, acquaintances, and strangers who have got to know of my cancer journey will agree that I did manage to 'make a difference to the people and the community around me.'

Rest in peace, Shin. My only regret then was that I didn't get to reply your e-mail in time. Cancer took you away not long after, and this will always bug my conscience for being such a procrastinator.

But you have enlightened me in so many ways, and you continue to live in my heart as my inspiration to keep up the good fight.

Keep up the good fight. That should work well as a personal motto.

To my readers who want to know more of this amazing person, do visit her blog at http://shinscancerblog.blogspot.com and watch the documentary I watched by clicking on this link.

Thank you Shin. Thank you for making such a difference to my life.

©Photo of Shin belongs to her family members.

Click hereto go back to reading.

Hello readers.

I have a lot to blog about actually.

But recent events are making me feel tired, emotionally.

I'll update when said events resolve.

For now, to those of you who wonder - I am doing alright for now. I'm recuperating at home, living every single day knowing it is a blessing that I am still living.

I hope my readers stay safe and happy.

Take care, and cheers.

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Hello dear readers!

It's already going to be February very soon. Tomorrow, to be exact.

I'm going to make this a quick one, but it's definitely going to be slightly more detailed than my previous entry.

Recently, I have been going for radiotherapy sessions (again). The usual staff are still there, and they still remember me. Of course, no one is happy that I have to go for more fractions. It does make things easier for me; the familiar surroundings, En. Owl the joker and Kak N the sisterly figure (real names shall not be revealed here, since they are medical staff) and knowing the procedures without feeling all awkward.

I'm not let off from the side effects, though.

Since my PET scan results from last December showed that I still have this one tumour (whether it's a relapse of my cancer or my transplant unfortunately did not work out as well as everyone thought, it remains unknown. Still, I strongly believe it's the former. There are the results from various blood tests to support my opinion, even if I'm not a certified doctor or MO of any kind) at my left kidney, I was advised to go for radiotherapy once more.

According to my doctor in KL, chemotherapy won't work for me anymore; I was administered the strongest dosage prior to my stem cell transplant, and the cancer cells in my body showed resistance, apparently. Also, there's no point in damaging my healthy cells with more chemotherapy, since it isn't going to work.

So, it's daily trips to the hospital again.

All this at the expense of something - I'll lose the function of my left kidney.

The kidney is quite a fragile organ, it seems. It cannot receive more than a certain amount of radiation, or else it faces major damage.

In my case, it's either sacrificing one kidney, or sacrificing my life.

With the choices given, it's not that hard to decide, really.

I'm getting tired. Tired of all the treatments, tired of burdening my loved ones, tired of worrying the people who care for me. It hurts to see their worn-out faces too.

Will it be too much to ask for cancer to go away already and for me to get through this ordeal?

With the experience I've gained from fighting cancer, I certainly could do inspiring more people with my story. Or helping those in need now. I'm not too used being the one who needs help, to be honest. It kind of makes me feel extremely vulnerable, somehow. And I certainly don't like feeling that way.

Oh, and I don't need anybody to tell me that it's the journey that matters, and not the destination.

You guys have no idea how aware I am of that.

Till another longer post, I hope!

Happy Chinese New Year to all who celebrates it! (Technically, it lasts for 15 days, so I'm not late!)

Cheers!

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I have been trying my best to keep myself fairly busy, without overtiring myself. Sometimes, I still have this mentality that I am still a normal, healthy person and I can afford to exert myself occasionally. Unfortunately, I will only realise the consequences after I unconsciously physically tire myself out.

Anyway, I feel slightly more alert nowadays. I'm assuming it should be due to the steroids I have been prescribed by my doctor. Currently on more oral medication to hopefully stabilize my condition after the completion of my stem cell transplant.

It’s been tough, that I won’t deny.

It has been ages since I gave a proper update, so in this entry I think I'm going to clarify some matters that were of concern since the start of my transplant till now.

Bone marrow transplant? Stem cell transplant? Huh?
A lot of you are confused regarding this matter. I can understand, because if I wasn't diagnosed with cancer - I wouldn't have known any better either.

When I first started treatment in KL, my doctor told me that I have to undergo a bone marrow transplant. Therefore, that's exactly what I wrote on this blog for everyone to know. I have to go for a bone marrow transplant.

Afterwards, I started using the phrase 'stem cell transplant' in my blog. People starting asking me,

"Leonie, are you going through two different kinds of treatment now?"

"What happened to the plan of you going for a bone marrow transplant?"

"What's a stem cell transplant?"

"Leonie, you have to go through this major operation for your bone marrow transplant right?
The list of such questions goes on and on.

Okay, I'll do my best to answer these questions without adding any inaccurate information by complete accident. But you have been warned, I'm only explaining with my current level of understanding and knowledge. I'm not the doctor nor the expert here, so if I happen to get any facts wrong - don't sue me.

Apparently, bone marrow transplant = stem cell transplant. The common idea of having to undergo a bone marrow transplant in the minds of the general public is the patient and the donor are required to be given general anaesthesia(GA), i.e. both patients are unconscious during the operation. A part of the bone marrow is extracted from the donor, and that part is given to the patient - all these happen during the surgery.

With the advancement in medical science, we now have this procedure called the stem cell transplant. It works the same way as the bone marrow transplant, but the procedures are different.

The treatment I went through required me to have a CVC line inserted at my neck(this was a minor operation by the way, only local anaesthesia(LA) was administed at my neck). This functions to extract my blood from my body and through this medical equipment – separates the different kinds of cells in your blood. After that, the stem cells are preserved till the patient's transplant. High dose chemotherapy is given, and the stem cells returned to the patient.

I wasn't knocked out in any way at all.

This treatment I went through is also known as autologous stem cell transplantation.

Life during/after the transplant.
It didn’t make any difference being discharged from the hospital after I was done with my transplant. (I was there for approximately three weeks for my transplant.) I was re-admitted again and again due to quite serious cases of blood infection that caused me to have high fever that nearly hit 40°C. You do the math. All I can tell you is that my head feels really sore after so many bouts of high fever; my brain’s been getting stressed out a lot.

It’s definitely not easy for my parents either, having to rush me all the way to the hospital in KL. Mind you, that’s five hours of driving for my dad and exhaustion, stress and unhealthy meals for both my parents. Not forgetting the costs of staying in the hospital to get treatment. Worrying my brother as well, knowing that he lives in another part of KL and despite his busy schedule in university and all – wants to come over and keep me company.

Did I mention that I have very supportive and awesome family members? Yeah, I think I mentioned that before.

I really hope that’s the end of all that.

While the cells are readjusting themselves in the body post-transplant, patients will go through a variety of side effects. Some of the unfortunate events I went through are:

1. Vomiting blood. Twice. This caused some commotion for the nurses and my doctor. I then found out that the news of me vomitting blood had spread to nearly all of the staff in the entire bulding. Go figure.
   
   
2. More bouts of high fever, causing me to feel extremely cold and shiver a lot. I remember needing to have three to four layers of blankets in attempt to help me feel more comfortable, plus I wore mittens, socks and a wool hat. A few nurses said that I looked like I was all geared up for winter, ready for a skiing trip. I'll leave it to your imagination.
   
   
3. More vomiting...
   
   
4. A very bad sore throat and tongue. Swallowing was really a pain. It's very similar to what I had to go through before, and you can read about it here. Felt more awful though throughout the treatment process.

All these, went on for about two months or so. I didn't want to worry anybody on purpose, you see. You try going through all the shit I had to go through, and see whether you're fit good enough to go online and respond to people, even if you've really wanted to.

This is just a scam! They are just con artists!
As a result, my family and I were accused of cheating people of their money, and running off after getting their cash. Some said that my parents were using me or taking advantage of me to con people of their money. Others said that I edited my photo to look bald, and convince people that I have cancer.


I wish some people would just have some common sense for a bit!

Cancer isn't funny at all. Cancer is something so serious, it is capable of taking your loved ones' lives away.

Who bloody wants to end up with cancer anyway? Definitely no one, of course!

Cancer is not a joking matter. Seriously, to all of you who have thought this way - my family and I are seriously hurt by your remarks. Honestly, I really want sincere apologies from each and every one of you idiots!

But as of now, all I want to do is to fully recover. Cause my parents, my friends, my loved ones, or anybody that knows me - less worry, less sadness.

I would like to use vulgarities in the entry to release my anger for the people as I've described earlier, but I rather not. At least, not for now.

A note to these people: I have no reason to cheat any of you. If you choose not to believe me, and still think that I faked cancer(PFFFFT!) - that's all up to you. I didn't do anything wrong, and I don't see any need to explain myself to convince you. Stay in that little box of yours, and rot there for all I care. I'm too tired, and I rather save my energy to recuperate properly. So there!

All this drama makes me so grateful and glad that there are still good Samaritans out there who are willing to help me out. (I'm going to leave this to another entry, good people deserve a nice, long post about them all to themselves!)

***I'm going to stop here for the moment. If I keep this entry too long, nobody would bother to read it.

I FIND IT EXCEPTIONALLY ANNOYING THAT PEOPLE STILL ASK ME QUESTIONS REPEATEDLY WHEN I HAVE ALREADY ANSWERED THEM IN MY BLOG.

FIRST, SOME OF YOU SAY THAT I'M CAUSING PEOPLE TO WORRY ABOUT MY CONDITION BY NOT UDPATING.

SO I UPDATED.

BUT THEN, THESE SAME PEOPLE JUST HAVE TO ASK ME THE SAME FREAKING QUESTIONS THAT I HAVE JUST ANSWERED ON MY BLOG!

TELL ME, WHAT IS THE POINT OF ME BLOGGING IF YOU AREN'T EVEN GOING TO READ IT? YET, YOU ALL ARE BEING SUCH HYPOCRITES FOR PESTERING ME TO UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE!

I am trying my best to rest more, to recover quickly from cancer. And this is what I get in return.

Oh gosh, is it that hard to get a little bit of understanding from people like them?

Again, I am grateful to those who do understand. Thank you, you and you!

I realised that I've just blogged these pent-up emotions I have been keeping to myself since the start of my transplant.

I do feel a little bit better, but there are still unsettled issues. I'll blog about them another time.

Meanwhile, I hope this entry is satisfying to everyone - both the good, and the bad.

Cheers!

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I am not exaggerating, but my parents are draining their savings empty and spent pretty much every dollar, cent and dime just to fund for my treatments since July 2010.

It doesn't help that the current treatment I'm undergoing now, which is the stem cell transplant - is the most costly out of all of the medical procedures I've been through.

My parents are aware that I actually am desperate to start studying in college. So they still refuse to touch my college fund, unless it is the last final resort.

Friends, old and new...

This is a sincere plea for help from me,
on behalf of my immediate family members -
my parents and my elder brother.
We are really low on cash. I hate to have to ask for help, but seeing how tough it is for both my parents to pay for all those costly medical bills and my brother for being considerate to consider our spendings and tries to save as much as he can so he can relieve my parents of some burden. He's still studying in university, and the last thing I want to see that happens is my brother dropping out of his course just to help support me. I'm already robbed of my chance of an education, so why rob my brother of his?

At least, if I ever were to unfortunately die - my brother will have enough qualifications to find a better job and support my parents in the future.

At the very least, this is what everyone in my family deserves for taking such great care of me throughout my course of treatment. In fact, since I was born to be exact!

I was given a chance to live, yet it is not for me to choose how long I can live this life as my current identity. I have to say, I'm thankful for having the chance to be born as Leonie. Someone who isn't your typical ordinary person, yet still uniquely me - learning something new everyday and meeting new people; creating new experiences and memories for me.

I truly do not know how much longer my cancer journey is going to take. I don't know how many types of treatment I still have to face after this. I still have no idea how much longer I'm going to live.

Please spread the word around for me. If there is anything you need to know such as my bank account details, approximate cost of treatment, etc., feel free to inbox me through Facebook or leave me a comment on this blog. If you prefer to be kept anonymous, I will not publish your comment - but please leave me your email, contact number, Facebook profile or anything that will make it easier and convenient to discuss everything out.

You have my utmost, sincerest thanks.

Thank you for taking the time to read this entry, and thank you for spreading the word around.

I really hope to hear some good news soon. (':

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Hello readers! This isn't going to be a very long entry, but I just thought I felt like sharing this little experience of mine while I was in the hospital last Tuesday - the day I published my previous entry.

I did mention that I had my stem cells extracted and collected for harvesting. During the start of my session, I felt my chair vibrate. I thought it was just the machine producing strong vibrations, hence causing the chair to vibrate. I shrugged the thought away and continued observing the machine; being in awe of its complexity.

Then, the bed that was in the room started to shake as well. I assumed it was just me feeling dizzy since I was having my blood extracted from my body for filtering. My assumption continues for the next few seconds till one of the oncology nurses who was using the bed as a makeshift table jumped up from her chair so suddenly, and started asking both my parents who were there, "Did you feel that too? The place is shaking!"

My parents felt the tremors too. I then realised that the vibrations from the chair I was sitting on wasn't because of the machine, but from the earthquake that happened in Indonesia on the same day.

I am very lucky in the sense that we only felt the tremors, and things weren't too serious. Imagine me having to evacuate the hospital with me connected to one complicated and heavy machine! (I was on the fifth floor by the way.) Not forgetting the patients who are undergoing surgeries and other complex medical procedures, because quite a number of Malaysians who felt the tremors are forced to evacuate the buildings they were in.

The last time I experienced tremors was back when I was still in secondary school. I was attending a Japanese class when suddenly the tables and chairs in the classroom started to shake!

I'm thankful I'm living in Malaysia, where we are earthquake-free at the moment. Hopefully we all can stay safe with all these natural disasters happening around the world.

Cheers!

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Hello readers! I shall try not to type anything irrelevant and focus on just the events that occured since my last entry.

Firstly, I had a PICC line and CVC line inserted.

The former is done because:

1. I require multiple blood and platelet transfusions due to my low blood counts caused by chemotherapy.
   
2. I require multiple blood tests which needed blood to be drawn out quite frequently.
3. It is needed for my bone marrow transplant. I'll have to undergo a high-dose chemotherapy to kill basically nearly every living cell in my body - both cancerous and non-cancerous cells.
4. It will certainly make my life slightly easier, because then I won't need to have needles poked/inserted into me many times. With a low platelet count, my blood can't clot easily like an average healthy person, i.e. there's a possibility that I can literally bleed to death. Scarring will also be more serious, and both new scars and old take a much longer time to heal.
   

The latter is done because I need to have my stem cells extracted for harvesting for my bone marrow transplant. I went for one session yesterday, and another earlier in the morning. Hopefully I had enough stem cells collected, or I'll have to go for another session. It's quite a tiring procedure, because from how I see it - stem cell extraction works like kidney dialysis. How I would bluntly describe the process - many tubes are connected to my CVC line and to this machine, which takes my blood out and extracts my stem cells. This takes around three to four hours, maybe longer. Not something I would ever like to experience again, really.

Secondly, I have been in KL staying in the hospital for long periods of time. I can hardly remember how home in JB looks like, since I have been away so much. The moment I'm admitted, I never see the light of day(the view from the window doesn't count) till I'm discharged. And when I'm here, I normally have to stay for a minimum of five days. Go figure.

Thirdly, my side effects are really a killer this time. I'm not going to mention each and every one of them here, but I'll talk about the one that bugged me the most. I had this sore throat that was so severe, words like 'awful' and 'horrible' aren't enough to describe how bad it affected me. Something simple like swallowing became such a chore! I would equate the pain to having someone force a small sharp-edged rock down your throat. Now, imagine that kind of pain every time you have to swallow food, water and even just saliva. Not forgetting that I also had pills to take. The pain was really so bad, I tear up every time I had to swallow anything. It didn't help that I had ulcers all over my gums and tongue which conveniently multiplied the pain and discomfort of eating and drinking. Lesson learnt here - never take eating and drinking for granted. I feel lucky that I didn't need to be fed through a tube. So should all of you normal, healthy people!

Fourthly, I am recovering from a blood infection. It caused me to have a fever of the highest temperature yet - 39.8°C. I am very glad I am still sane enough to type this entry out.

Last but not least, I am proud to say that I am bald again. Like hey, which other girl you know is willing to go bald not once, but twice and had actually done it? The whole hair loss episode haunted me again shortly before me returning to KL for my third chemotherapy session. I thought it would be more practical to just shave all my hair off and spend my endurance in facing the gruelling side effects of treatment. My mum mentioned to me about getting me a wig a few times with my dad supporting the idea, but I declined. I mean, to invest in a good wig is quite pricey and my parents are already spending a whole lot of cash just to get me well and treated. I honestly don't want to add to their already existing burden because I'm insecure about my looks! I personally know that I will definitely rant about my insecurities here one day about how I currently look like, but I don't think that's going to be the main issue for now. And truthfully, it never will be.

*I kept this blog locked for a few days because I wanted to make some minor changes to the layout and make it more reader-friendly. I blame fatigue for not letting me do it all in a few short hours, which is why it took me a couple of days to sort everything out. I'll add in new things here and there once in a while, so if you're not too busy with your current lives do feel free to drop by!

I hate to sound like a parrot, but to those who are truly concerned about me, have been leaving me really nice messages on Facebook and remembering me in their prayers - they have my sincerest thanks. I also apologise for not replying to everyone that contacted me. The people-pleaser part in me is nagging at me a lot, and I feel obliged to reply - which brings up this immense guilt in me every single day. I do feel bad for not responding right away and possibly making people worry, but I'm just not up to it with my current energy levels. It might be too much to ask, but I hope that everyone can try to understand this, forgive me for very late responses that may come months after you contacted me and not assume what you don't know. To be assured of that will seriously make me feel a lot better about myself and going through treatment won't be all that bad after all. (:

Cheers!

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Hello dear readers!

After two gruelling weeks, I am finally able to update everyone about what's going on in my once again chaotic battle against cancer.

Please click on the links provided if you need definitions of certain medical terms and maybe a clearer picture of what I'm trying to explain regarding my condition. (:

*A fortnight ago, I found out that the right side of my abdomen had been feeling sore. The soreness was so bad, it made me lose sleep at night. I had this coughing fit which has been going on for a month, and to those who are aware of my condition - me coughing non-stop was the major symptom that led me to finding out I had cancer. I consumed three bottles of cough syrup and there was no sign of me recovering. My oncologist in Johor Bahru also diagnosed me with a severe case of pharyngitis. I also have frequent bouts of fever exceeding 38.0°C. According to my oncologist, other than the soreness I experienced - the other symptoms were most likely to be side effects from the 25 fractions of radiotherapy I went through.

I made many trips back to the hospital to see my oncologist as my symptoms were still there after being on constant oral medication for a month. Finally, when I brought up the topic of my soreness to my oncologist - he told me that he felt a ballotable mass somewhere near my right kidney. He advised my parents and I to bring forward my PET scan.

I went for the scan the very next day, and the results were..I wouldn't say shocking, but it's certainly not optimistic at all.

My parents and I found out from the radiologist that even though the original tumour that I had had shrunk tremendously from approximately 6cm to 1.3cm, it was still there. What's more, I have five new tumours in my body - two of them being really large tumours surrounding both my kidneys, and three more smaller ones that are in positions near my lumbar vertebrae. The smaller tumours that are affecting my backbone has caused my diaphragm to be slightly dysfunctional - hence me having slight breathing difficulties, causing the sore throat and the cough. My kidneys were still functioning normally, fortunately, so nobody suspected anything like this to happen.

Surprisingly, I didn't cry hearing all that. I surprised even myself when I still managed to speak optimistically about the whole situation. I didn't even tear up. Anybody would think that I might be too taken aback by the relapse of my cancer in just three short months, and had gone disturbingly positive in reaction to such major news. But really, I just couldn't cry. What I do know - I need to seek treatment immediately.

Right after I got the results of my scan, it's back to my oncologist's clinic - and he and my haematologist in Malacca both decided that I need to go for further treatment in KL.

On the 11th of April, my parents and I went to KL. I was admitted into the hospital on that day itself. I had my bone marrow cells extracted for a biopsy and the stem cells preserved for a bone marrow transplant. (I might blog about this process in a separate blog entry.)

The next morning, I started a new course of chemotherapy with stronger drugs than those used previously for my chemotherapy sessions in Malacca last year. My first session lasted for three days continuously. I managed to stay alert for the first day, but then I eventually felt extreme fatigue and constantly slept the hours away. I had steroids given through my IV drip so many times, I lost count. The only thing I know is that the steroids have this nauseating smell, and whenever it's given to me, my arm hurt because of the pressure in my vein. (I really hate steroids, but it's vital in my course of treatment, so I guess I just have to deal with it.)

Recuperating from this chemotherapy session was nearly like living hell to not just me, but also to both my parents. I felt tired all the time, and I constantly felt weak and exhausted. I didn't have the energy to walk, to move around, to even eat or drink anything. It didn't help that the side effects of chemotherapy made me feel even worse than ever. I lost my sense of taste, and my saliva tasted like vomit. I kid you not. Food tasted terrible, and drinking any form of liquids was torturous to me. Yet, I needed to eat because I'm on oral medication and I got underweight all of a sudden. I looked like an anorexic, and I could see my bones jutting out. My physical appearance really disturbed me, and for the first time in battling cancer - I really felt like I was in the depths of despair, and nobody could pull me out. And no, I'm really not exaggerating.


Thankfully, despite me still having some of those fears - I am recovering. I know it.

I just still need to keep fighting for my life. There may be times when I feel like giving up, but I definitely won't back out no matter what.

Especially with the fact that I have so much encouragement and support from all of you readers that are truly concerned about my plight! I appreciate the texts and supportive words on my Facebook wall; they really made me stronger and cemented my drive to continue fighting cancer and not let anybody down. I'll try my best to respond to everyone, but I just want to let everyone know - I truly appreciate every single wall post, every single text, every single blog entry, every single call, every single prayer. Words are seriously not enough to describe how loved I feel, and how thankful and grateful I am.

And also, thank you to everyone who remembered my birthday! I celebrated my 18th birthday with my parents. Nothing elaborate, just a simple day out in Malacca without a worry or care about any future ordeals I have to face. I'll also try to say my thank yous to everyone who wished me!

I do apologise to my friends who called me on my birthday, but I didn't answer any of your calls. For your information, another side effect from my recent chemotherapy session is that I now have partial hearing loss affecting both my ears. I was particularly extra deaf during my birthday, so I didn't answer any phone calls because I wouldn't be able to hear a word you say. In case you're wondering how severe this problem is to me, I can hardly hear myself talking to my parents or the doctor and have to resort to near-screams to be able to at least hear myself. Crossing roads or being at a car park is even worse - I cannot estimate the distance of vehicles from me. A car can just zoom from behind me, screeching tires and all, but I either wouldn't know there's a car speeding behind me or I still think the car is quite a distance away from me. Honestly, I nearly got knocked down by a few cars because of this problem...Thankfully, my parents now know better and they now have to hold my hand to ensure I don't just wander off and make myself a danger to..well, myself.

I made a joke that even if cancer and my treatment course won't kill me first, a car accident would. I don't think my parents found it very funny. Oh well, so much for being an optimist! Hahah.

I hope everybody is satisfied with this update, and I hope this entry can take some worries out of your mind. :D

Cheers, and to all my Christian friends - Happy Easter Sunday!

Labels: i'm grateful and blessed for.., lymphoma and me, medical procedures

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If you got redirected here through Facebook or Twitter and clicked on the link just to know my results - I'm sorry to disappoint you, but it's not going to happen. But you have to admit, it got your attention, didn't it? ;)

Anyway, to those of you who do know what my results are - please keep it to yourself. You'll be doing me a major favour, and I would really appreciate that.

To sum it all up:

1. I passed SPM 2010.
2. I didn't score straight A's.
   
3. I did better than I expected.
4. I did well for English. I didn't let En. Ismail down.
   
5. My parents and brother are happy with my results.
6. I'm grateful because I managed to take all ten subjects for SPM and sat for every paper despite my condition. (Some people suggested to my parents that I should drop all the electives and just sit for the core subjects. I told my parents that I didn't want to waste the money they spent on me attending tuition classes and the time I spent learning all the electives before getting cancer.)
   

A few individuals told me about my schoolmates' results. Generally, they were telling me that I did much better than them. My schoolmates continued schooling and attended tuition throughout the year, while I went for chemotherapy sessions, hospital check-ups, blood tests and biopsies. I was forced to stay at home. The said individuals told me that I got pretty excellent results through my own effort. I could have scored straight A's if I was cancer-free and led life normally.

I felt bad listening to all of their comments. I felt that they have to bring someone down to make me feel better about myself. It's nearly like the basis of bullying. I felt like a bully who bullied others to comfort and comfort my own low self-esteem.

This is one of the reasons why I don't want to publicise my results online. I don't want people who got worse results than me to feel stupid or bad. I don't want to be the cause of further distress and upset.

I don't want their thoughts to be contaminated with notions like this or similar to this:


Honestly, no matter how well or how badly we did for SPM - the results cannot be changed. Getting good results doesn't mean you're going to secure a pass for the future. Getting bad results doesn't mean that your future is ruined.

Truthfully, if I didn't get diagnosed with cancer - I wouldn't be saying all of this. I might think it's the end of the world if I got anything other than a A for any of my subjects.

But I was diagnosed with cancer. And I went through so much. I fought hard just to stay alive. I aspire to make a great change to this world. I want to spend more time with my family and friends. I want to contribute back to society.

If I lost my life to cancer, I wouldn't even get the chance to sit for any exam. I wouldn't even get a chance to score badly for anything.

And I just want my peers who feel that their SPM results are horrible and are reading this entry - you got the most priceless thing in the world that I don't have. Something that cannot ever be bought with money.


The results that will certainly determine my life isn't my SPM results. It's the results of my PET scan next month.

And that, is all what matters to me now.

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And I don't see the end yet. Not at all.

Hello reader(s). It's been some time since I last blogged. I miss blogging, honestly.

For me, SPM ended about one week ago. The 9th of December 2010 was the day when some of my peers who took their last papers screamed for joy and celebrated their freedom. The day which marked the end of high school for us.

That day was one of my most miserable moments in life. I cried right after the invigilator left the counselling room where I was isolated from the rest throughout SPM. I did badly for Accounts Paper 2, and ended up writing some nonsense just to fill in the answer sheets.

In the room, I can hear laughter and shrieks of happiness.

Through the window, I can see my friends and classmates jumping around, taking photos and videos. They're hugging each other too.

Everyone was just happy that their last paper was over.

Except for me.

I never felt so left out before.

I can't hug my friends, because I'm susceptible to infections and contagious illnesses. And I don't think most of my friends even remembered that I was there, in the counselling room, amidst their joy and laughter.

I felt..forgotten.

Being away from school for half a year is not as awesome as most of my peers think. I can't see my friends, I can't keep up with my studies. People seem to think that I have a lot of time to study and do revision in the comforts of my own home.

Wrong. I spend most of the time recuperating from the side effects of chemotherapy. I hardly have the energy to study the first few months of me receiving treatment. And, I also happen to spend most of my time in the hospital and in Malacca. Stop making assumptions if you don't have the facts.

It's as if I'm slowly fading from everyone's memories.

It's as if..I don't exist in their lives anymore.

It's just painful for me to have these kind of thoughts haunting my head, whether they're true or not.

My mum never fails to remind me that there is no such thing as 'friends forever'. I believe in that too, since most of the friendships I'd been in just don't work out in the end. It's undeniable that generally, everybody is selfish. Everybody wants the good things for their ownselves. Not everybody likes to share.

My mum also never fails to tell me that I'm too soft. It's true. I treasure my friends a lot. They mean so much to me. Betraying their secrets that they trusted me with or bitching about them is the last thing that I'll do. I do my best to help them out if they have any problems. I'm their shoulder for them to lean on. I'm the listener among my friends. I don't know how to say no to my friends' requests or favours.

It's only now, when I have cancer, I know who my real friends are.

People who I thought that could care less about me, continuously offered me the encouragement and support I need.

There are friends that stuck by me all the way, and still are.

Then there are the bad apples. I'm not in the mood to elaborate now.

I have many dissatisfactions to blog about. But I guess I'll just have to save them for later.

To summarise, I'm not cancer-free yet. The tumour inside of me is still active, but it is now smaller than before. It is now measuring at 6cm. I'll be undergoing radiotherapy in Johor Bahru, and most probably I have to deal with 20 to 25 fractions. That means I'll have to undergo radiotherapy for at least 20 to 25 days. Maybe more, maybe less. A month after treatment, and I'll go for another PET scan. If the results are still negative, I'll have to undergo a bone marrow transplant. You did not read that wrongly.

My life is in constant danger everyday. Waking up to a new day knowing that I'm still alive is a miracle.

So a friendly note to my peers who complain they are super bored with life after SPM, be grateful you don't have my so-called exciting life. If you're really that bored, go help out with the house chores, get a job, hang out with friends, spend time with your family, or indulge in your hobbies. I can't believe you guys can actually be bored when there is so much you guys can do, that I can't.

Cheers.

Labels: i'm grateful and blessed for.., life lessons, lymphoma and me, medical procedures, musings

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Chiara, Nicole, Flora, Erica and Carinn, thank you so much for the handmade card. I appreciate the effort you guys put in to do this for me. I'm really touched by the gesture. Even my parents are, too. (:

Hopefully, once I get the green light from my doctor, I'll be free to hang out with all of you after SPM is done. ;)

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I'll be leaving for Malacca again tomorrow. I really hope that Monday will be my last visit to the hospital for chemotherapy. Sure, I'll be making occasional trips there for checkups. But honestly, like how I'd been telling my close friends - I really can't wait to get this cancer shit over and done with.

Five months of my precious final year in high school was and still is being spent self-quarantined at home. I wouldn't call myself a social butterfly, but I enjoy interacting with different people. Going to school and attending tuition classes allow me to do so. Honestly, I'm not the kind of person who enjoys being cooped up at home so much.

Sure, there are the pros and cons. I bonded with my family members a lot since me getting to know I have cancer, especially my mum. Everybody is being very nice and patient with me. No matter how moody, cranky or worried they are, they will immediately put a smile on their faces when it comes to talking to me and reassuring me that I am indeed going to fully recover from lymphoma. I appreciate that a lot. I am truly blessed to have such awesome family members, even if they have their flaws. Hey, we're all perfectly imperfect. Beyond those imperfections, there are that little bit of themselves which makes them uniquely them.

It's already the 30th of October. Starting from November onwards, I am going to take a break from the online world and focus on doing well for SPM. Of course, I'm aiming for straight A's. It's the least I can do to please my parents and make them proud of me. Not forgetting some of my schoolteachers who believe in my abilities to score well in SPM. Still, I have to take my health into consideration. Definitely, I'll do my best in the exams. The results? I'll just have to hope that the examiners who are marking my papers will be in a tremendously good mood and be more lenient with whatever answers I can come up with then.

After the first week of SPM, I'm due for a PET scan. That scan will determine whether I have to go back for more chemotherapy sessions or whether I'm cancer-free or not. Who doesn't hope for the latter?

I sincerely hope that this journey of mine can come to an end really soon. It hasn't been easy, but I'm glad that I'd managed to make it this far.

Cheers!

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Being a cancer patient now, especially at this particular age - I honestly regret the past me. Me who did not understand the ups and downs of an individual who has cancer.

I read many newspaper articles over the years about cancer patients and survivors of different ages, telling their stories. I have seen charity shows on television, seeking funds to help the needy. All of them have their problems and difficulties.

As part of an audience, their stories can impact your lives. You can either choose to help them or people in similar situations, or not give a damn at all.

I was one of the people who watch and read their stories. Then, I feel bad because I'm not able to do much to help them. Next, I'll remind myself of one of my personal vows to make sure that I give back to society - financially when I have a stable income, physically and emotionally as a girl who has been blessed enough compared to how life has treated them. Finally, I'll say a silent prayer, thanking the Creator for my current life. The cycle repeats itself over and over.

So, when cancer hit me, it made me grow up really quickly. I learnt life lessons in a matter of days, months even that might take others nearly a lifetime to learn. Maybe never at all.

As much as people claim to understand my situation or my family's, in the end, it's really up to my own willpower to fight this annoying shit called lymphoma. The support, encouragement, prayers and well-wishes I have been getting all this while from my family, relatives, friends, teachers, tuition teachers, acquaintances and even strangers - they sure make me stronger, and their good intentions remind me of a very solid reason to fight on and get cancer over and done with.

Hey! I'm still seventeen. There are so many things I want to do - things that I'm passionate about, ambitions to achieve, fears to conquer, and of course - to enjoy the simplicity of joy and happiness.

There was a possibility that lymphoma could have taken my life away. There was a possibility that my parents would lose a daughter. My brother, a sister. My buddies, a friend. My teachers, a student. The people who know me, a familiar face. And the list goes on and on.

I took a lot of things for granted before. Funny how you only start to appreciate someone or something only when they are gone.

Knowing me, I put a lot of unnecessary pressure on myself. Hence, as of the 5th of July this year, my new motto in life is to definitely stop and smell the roses. I think all of us should, too.

Sometimes, I wish I could live a simple village life, where materialism hardly exists and activities like catching fish in rivers that are hardly polluted, climbing up trees and simple games are capable of bringing smiles to faces. Where the womenfolk do their household chores together, and hear them chattering away from matters ranging from the day's weather or the neighbour's daughter getting married off to some wealthy man. A place where the hustle and bustle of city life and its complications would not turn most of us into schemers, liars and betrayers.

With the aforementioned statement, I think I would like to experience a homestay programme. And of course, I want to go backpacking and explore outside Malaysia. Open up my eyes more, and see the beauty of simple, everyday matters in lands of rich cultures and traditions, unique and special in their own ways.

I know in everyday blog posts and conversations, I don't sound that deep.

Honestly, thoughts and opinions like these are what my brain processes the most.

I think last-minute studying for SPM is also playing a part in why I'm blogging about matters like these.

Cheers to all!

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-Past and Present, ©KrnBrdMnNix.-
Up till this very second typing this entry out, I'm lucky that I'm still alive and well.

When I just found out I had cancer two months ago, a lot of people made the effort to contact me on Facebook and through calls and text messages to convey their well-wishes, support and encouragement for me. Close friends, friends, relatives, teachers, tutors - it doesn't matter who they are, I'm grateful and thankful for everything they've done for me.

There was a period of time when I was a mini celebrity among these people. I got a lot of attention, whether I liked it or not.

And then I found out something about a particular someone I personally know.

Said someone really loves attention. Said someone will do nearly everything and anything that's not against the rules or the law to attract attention. Said someone is a very loud person.

Nah, there's nothing wrong with all of those qualities about her, really. Said someone is quite likeable, and has many friends. Maybe it's just me, and I choose to be not that close to said someone.

I don't really talk to said someone unless completely necessary. I rather mind my own business. I don't dislike her, but said someone's presence makes me feel very uncomfortable.

Whenever I'm in situations that causes the spotlight to be on me, said someone will never fail to stare at me with 'the look'. I find it very difficult to explain 'the look' to my readers here, hence me calling the way said someone stares at me - 'the look'. It's as if said someone is very displeased that I'm gaining all this attention, even if it's just something momentary.

At first, I thought it was just me. Maybe I was just being too sensitive, or I was thinking too much into it.

After years of observation and confirmation from a close friend, I realised that all my thoughts and opinions about said someone were unfortunately true.

And finally, here comes the worst part.


I was shocked. I was amazed. After the fact had fully sunk in, I couldn't help but feel disgusted at the same time as well.

Well, said someone isn't that active in the online community. But here's a message for that said someone.

You really have no idea what you're asking for. It's easy for healthy and cancer-free people to say that people who have cancer just have to undergo radiotherapy and chemotherapy. They're just words to some people.

Going for radiotherapy or/and chemotherapy isn't as simple as one may think. I can't say much about radiotherapy, but I can tell you, chemotherapy literally poisons the body. Chemotherapy kills both cancerous and non-cancerous cells. Chemotherapy has many side-effects, and can affect an individual during or/and after treatment. Side-effects include hair loss, mood swings, stomachaches, headaches, blurred vision, and nausea. There's more. Seriously.

You aren't encouraged to go out often because you have literally zero immunity. You have a high risk of falling sick easily. And if you do fall sick, the consequences are ten times worse than when an average person falls sick. It's because your immune system is nearly non-existent. You will not be capable of fighting viruses, germs and bacteria in/on your body like before.

You'll have scans to go for. You'll have needles constantly being poked into you. You'll have to deal with a strict diet. You'll have your blood repeatedly taken to check on the number of white blood cells you have. You'll feel tired far too easily, and too often. Your usual lifestyle before having cancer has to undergo a 360 degree turn.

Treatment and hospital stays don't come in cheap. Will it make you feel good knowing that your medical condition may be burdening your parents? Having your parents and family members adjusting their lifestyles to suit your needs? The worry and fear you have to put them through?

Seriously, what in the world were you thinking to even harbour the thought to have cancer just for the sake of attention?

When I found out I have cancer and knowing that there is this pretty large tumour situated right between my lungs and in front of my heart, pressing against my superior vena cava, it felt like I was standing on this thin line between life and death.

If I were to find out about my condition much later, I can't even bear to think of what might happen.

Problems that seemed so major before, actually seems trivial now, compared to everything I have been through. For the record, I went for a surgery before, was in a coma and even was sent to the ICU for that. I have to say, I'm proud to have survived all that. But of course, it would have been better if it wasn't necessary for me to endure procedures like that.

The moral of the story? Do appreciate your life as who you are now. Appreciate every single moment of your life. There are bound to be both good and bad times. You can't expect life to go your way every time.

Cheers!

Labels: i'm grateful and blessed for.., life lessons, lymphoma and me, medical procedures, musings

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-Freedom, ©PuncieGraphics.-
Having two legs and two arms, I feel lucky for the gift of movement.

I think some of us take it for granted that we are blessed with a regular body. While some of us are complaining about fat thighs, love handles, a big nose or feet that are too small, some of us aren't that lucky.

Some individuals are disabled. Disabled in the sense that certain parts of their bodies are paralysed. Disabled in the sense that they are bed-ridden. Disabled in the sense that they had their fingers, hands, arms, toes, feet, legs, thighs amputated due to accidents or medical conditions. Disabled in the sense that they are subjected to using a wheelchair for the rest of their lives. Disabled in the sense that they may be born with deformities.

But no, we shall not pity the aforementioned people. We will not feel sorry for them.

In fact, I think we should treat them as equals. We should respect them and not take advantage of disabled-friendly facilities. In my humble opinion, they do not want us to treat them differently from how we treat others. They want to feel like normal people too.

I look up to them, for it is certainly not easy to get used to a lifestyle like that. They are strong, and they have to find ways and methods to face situations and daily routines. Activities that seem simple to us, may come through as difficulties and challenges for them.

Let's say, you want to brush your teeth. You take your toothbrush. Next, you want to squeeze some toothpaste onto your toothbrush. Simple right?

Now, in the eyes of someone who has lost the ability to use either one of their hands. Maybe both! Some have to resort to using their feet to brush their teeth. Other have to figure out another way to overcome what seems to be something easy for us with both hands and arms. Do you see what I'm trying to say?

I have experienced what it's like to be lacking in movement. Like the time when I went for a minor surgery to test for what kind of lymphoma I have. I was bed-ridden for a few days. I guess it was because I never went through a surgery before, I ended up pretty weak from it. I had to have nurses to help me clean myself.

I had experienced being pushed around with a wheelchair. After my second chemo session, one of the unexpected side-effects was me having pain and soreness in the bones and my muscles, which affected my entire left arm. I couldn't move it properly for nearly two weeks. And yes, it was certainly quite tough to get used to a new lifestyle in which I couldn't type with two hands, I couldn't move heavy objects, and even simple things like taking a shower or brushing my teeth was pretty difficult.

So to all my readers, do love your body. No matter of what shape or size you are, you are lucky for having the use of both your arms and legs. Movement is a blessing you know. A walk in the park to take in the sceneries, running to catch up with a friend or two, or even dancing.

Some of us may take the gift of movement for granted, but here I am, in hopes that we all can feel how blessed we are with this gift.

Labels: i'm grateful and blessed for.., life lessons, medical procedures, musings

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