I was officially diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin's Mediastinal Large B-cell Lymphoma in July 2010. I was seventeen. I was in Form 5; my last year of secondary school, preparing to sit for the SPM examinations.

I would consider myself an average teenager - a girl who just wanted to have fun, with her quirks; trying to survive life as a teen.

It all started with me coughing non-stop after a bout of the common flu. Despite making several trips to my family doctor's clinic, the cough just won't seem to go away even after months of being under medication. Several prescriptions of cough drops later, my family doctor suggested to my parents and I to have a chest X-ray done for me.

A large tumour was discovered; situated in between my lungs, right in front of my heart. The tumour was pressing against my trachea, causing me to have slight breathing difficulties and all that coughing.

I stopped going to school almost immediately. My parents and I went on this journey to seek advice from specialists regarding my condition.

Next, I had a needle biopsy done which confirmed that the tumour consisted of active cancer cells. I had to go for a surgical biopsy to classify what kind of cells were they, so the proper treatment could be administered right away.

The cancer had then spread to my pancreas, kidneys and liver.

Afterwards, I went through six cycles of chemotherapy(R-CHOP) and self-studied for the rest of the year. I was lucky that I was fit enough to sit for my SPM examinations at the end of the year right after my last chemotherapy session scheduled for me was completed. Or else, I wouldn't be able to successfully graduate from secondary school. I had a lot of people telling me to just skip the examinations and relax for a bit, but my stubbornness got the better of me. I was determined enough then and thankfully, I did alright. At least I could fully focus on getting myself treated without worrying that I did not complete even my most basic education in Malaysia.

At the end of 2010, I went for a PET scan. My tumour did shrink, but it was still there.

When 2011 came, I went for radiotherapy this time. I had 25 fractions done.

I thought I was on the road to recovery at long last, but unfortunately…no.

A few days before my scheduled PET scan, I felt extreme soreness at the right side of my abdomen. It made me lose sleep at night, and my coughing fit was back. The oncologist in charge of my treatment for radiotherapy felt something near my right kidney. I went for a PET scan the very next day, and found out that my cancer had spread again. New tumours surrounded both my kidneys once more and my lower spine. Radiotherapy was crossed out from the possible ways of treatment, since the radiation will damage my kidneys, affecting their function tremendously.

I had three more cycles of chemotherapy(R-ICE) done. This proved effective for awhile, but after every session - the cancer would get aggressive and we went back to square one. Finally, it was decided that I was to undergo an autologous stem cell transplant. I had my stem cells harvested, and I went through a few days of high-dose chemotherapy before the transplant. I was hospitalised for a month. I had zero immunity, and blood infections which caused high fever haunted me. I made more trips back to the hospital to rid of the infections.

I am currently under quarantine and recuperating from the transplant; dealing with the side effects from both the transplant and my radiotherapy sessions - causing breathing problems, dizziness, fatigue, etc. The latter is the cause of a now weak heart.

I went for another 27 fractions of radiotherapy due to a tumour above my left kidney discovered by a PET scan in December 2011. My left kidney has lost its function.

Through another bout of coughing, I was advised to go for a chest X-ray and have an ultrasound done at the abdominal area. It is confirmed that my cancer relapsed for the third time. I am now under a new kind of medication.

***
So much had happened throughout me battling cancer.

Other than the physical challenges I have to go through, I also have to deal with my decreasing level of self-esteem and emotional health.

I do admit, I am a typical girl when it comes to me wanting to look pretty. You may call it vanity, but I say it's just me wanting to look presentable and good.

Imagine, I went bald twice; not once, but twice! Surprisingly, no tears came! (I later realised that it’s the process of waiting for my hair to grow again that’s truly challenging.)

This time, I hope I can truly make a full recovery and do my bit for the community. Also, hopefully my cancer journey as a teenager managed to inspire you and give you a more positive outlook on life. Quite a number of us assume that cancer only affects adults. On the contrary, I am a living example that that mindset is certainly untrue. It's not for me to tell you how to live your life, but you only live once, so treasure your life and your loved ones while you still can. Stop and smell the roses once in awhile, and you'll find that life is so fulfilling with just happiness and good health. A successful career, good grades - definite bonuses and great goals, but with life being so unpredictable; you'll never know what might happen next. Be content with what you already have, count your blessings and live life to the fullest without any regrets.

Believe me, I'm speaking from personal experience.

***
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And I don't see the end yet. Not at all.

Hello reader(s). It's been some time since I last blogged. I miss blogging, honestly.

For me, SPM ended about one week ago. The 9th of December 2010 was the day when some of my peers who took their last papers screamed for joy and celebrated their freedom. The day which marked the end of high school for us.

That day was one of my most miserable moments in life. I cried right after the invigilator left the counselling room where I was isolated from the rest throughout SPM. I did badly for Accounts Paper 2, and ended up writing some nonsense just to fill in the answer sheets.

In the room, I can hear laughter and shrieks of happiness.

Through the window, I can see my friends and classmates jumping around, taking photos and videos. They're hugging each other too.

Everyone was just happy that their last paper was over.

Except for me.

I never felt so left out before.

I can't hug my friends, because I'm susceptible to infections and contagious illnesses. And I don't think most of my friends even remembered that I was there, in the counselling room, amidst their joy and laughter.

I felt..forgotten.

Being away from school for half a year is not as awesome as most of my peers think. I can't see my friends, I can't keep up with my studies. People seem to think that I have a lot of time to study and do revision in the comforts of my own home.

Wrong. I spend most of the time recuperating from the side effects of chemotherapy. I hardly have the energy to study the first few months of me receiving treatment. And, I also happen to spend most of my time in the hospital and in Malacca. Stop making assumptions if you don't have the facts.

It's as if I'm slowly fading from everyone's memories.

It's as if..I don't exist in their lives anymore.

It's just painful for me to have these kind of thoughts haunting my head, whether they're true or not.

My mum never fails to remind me that there is no such thing as 'friends forever'. I believe in that too, since most of the friendships I'd been in just don't work out in the end. It's undeniable that generally, everybody is selfish. Everybody wants the good things for their ownselves. Not everybody likes to share.

My mum also never fails to tell me that I'm too soft. It's true. I treasure my friends a lot. They mean so much to me. Betraying their secrets that they trusted me with or bitching about them is the last thing that I'll do. I do my best to help them out if they have any problems. I'm their shoulder for them to lean on. I'm the listener among my friends. I don't know how to say no to my friends' requests or favours.

It's only now, when I have cancer, I know who my real friends are.

People who I thought that could care less about me, continuously offered me the encouragement and support I need.

There are friends that stuck by me all the way, and still are.

Then there are the bad apples. I'm not in the mood to elaborate now.

I have many dissatisfactions to blog about. But I guess I'll just have to save them for later.

To summarise, I'm not cancer-free yet. The tumour inside of me is still active, but it is now smaller than before. It is now measuring at 6cm. I'll be undergoing radiotherapy in Johor Bahru, and most probably I have to deal with 20 to 25 fractions. That means I'll have to undergo radiotherapy for at least 20 to 25 days. Maybe more, maybe less. A month after treatment, and I'll go for another PET scan. If the results are still negative, I'll have to undergo a bone marrow transplant. You did not read that wrongly.

My life is in constant danger everyday. Waking up to a new day knowing that I'm still alive is a miracle.

So a friendly note to my peers who complain they are super bored with life after SPM, be grateful you don't have my so-called exciting life. If you're really that bored, go help out with the house chores, get a job, hang out with friends, spend time with your family, or indulge in your hobbies. I can't believe you guys can actually be bored when there is so much you guys can do, that I can't.

Cheers.

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I'll be leaving for Malacca again tomorrow. I really hope that Monday will be my last visit to the hospital for chemotherapy. Sure, I'll be making occasional trips there for checkups. But honestly, like how I'd been telling my close friends - I really can't wait to get this cancer shit over and done with.

Five months of my precious final year in high school was and still is being spent self-quarantined at home. I wouldn't call myself a social butterfly, but I enjoy interacting with different people. Going to school and attending tuition classes allow me to do so. Honestly, I'm not the kind of person who enjoys being cooped up at home so much.

Sure, there are the pros and cons. I bonded with my family members a lot since me getting to know I have cancer, especially my mum. Everybody is being very nice and patient with me. No matter how moody, cranky or worried they are, they will immediately put a smile on their faces when it comes to talking to me and reassuring me that I am indeed going to fully recover from lymphoma. I appreciate that a lot. I am truly blessed to have such awesome family members, even if they have their flaws. Hey, we're all perfectly imperfect. Beyond those imperfections, there are that little bit of themselves which makes them uniquely them.

It's already the 30th of October. Starting from November onwards, I am going to take a break from the online world and focus on doing well for SPM. Of course, I'm aiming for straight A's. It's the least I can do to please my parents and make them proud of me. Not forgetting some of my schoolteachers who believe in my abilities to score well in SPM. Still, I have to take my health into consideration. Definitely, I'll do my best in the exams. The results? I'll just have to hope that the examiners who are marking my papers will be in a tremendously good mood and be more lenient with whatever answers I can come up with then.

After the first week of SPM, I'm due for a PET scan. That scan will determine whether I have to go back for more chemotherapy sessions or whether I'm cancer-free or not. Who doesn't hope for the latter?

I sincerely hope that this journey of mine can come to an end really soon. It hasn't been easy, but I'm glad that I'd managed to make it this far.

Cheers!

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Being a cancer patient now, especially at this particular age - I honestly regret the past me. Me who did not understand the ups and downs of an individual who has cancer.

I read many newspaper articles over the years about cancer patients and survivors of different ages, telling their stories. I have seen charity shows on television, seeking funds to help the needy. All of them have their problems and difficulties.

As part of an audience, their stories can impact your lives. You can either choose to help them or people in similar situations, or not give a damn at all.

I was one of the people who watch and read their stories. Then, I feel bad because I'm not able to do much to help them. Next, I'll remind myself of one of my personal vows to make sure that I give back to society - financially when I have a stable income, physically and emotionally as a girl who has been blessed enough compared to how life has treated them. Finally, I'll say a silent prayer, thanking the Creator for my current life. The cycle repeats itself over and over.

So, when cancer hit me, it made me grow up really quickly. I learnt life lessons in a matter of days, months even that might take others nearly a lifetime to learn. Maybe never at all.

As much as people claim to understand my situation or my family's, in the end, it's really up to my own willpower to fight this annoying shit called lymphoma. The support, encouragement, prayers and well-wishes I have been getting all this while from my family, relatives, friends, teachers, tuition teachers, acquaintances and even strangers - they sure make me stronger, and their good intentions remind me of a very solid reason to fight on and get cancer over and done with.

Hey! I'm still seventeen. There are so many things I want to do - things that I'm passionate about, ambitions to achieve, fears to conquer, and of course - to enjoy the simplicity of joy and happiness.

There was a possibility that lymphoma could have taken my life away. There was a possibility that my parents would lose a daughter. My brother, a sister. My buddies, a friend. My teachers, a student. The people who know me, a familiar face. And the list goes on and on.

I took a lot of things for granted before. Funny how you only start to appreciate someone or something only when they are gone.

Knowing me, I put a lot of unnecessary pressure on myself. Hence, as of the 5th of July this year, my new motto in life is to definitely stop and smell the roses. I think all of us should, too.

Sometimes, I wish I could live a simple village life, where materialism hardly exists and activities like catching fish in rivers that are hardly polluted, climbing up trees and simple games are capable of bringing smiles to faces. Where the womenfolk do their household chores together, and hear them chattering away from matters ranging from the day's weather or the neighbour's daughter getting married off to some wealthy man. A place where the hustle and bustle of city life and its complications would not turn most of us into schemers, liars and betrayers.

With the aforementioned statement, I think I would like to experience a homestay programme. And of course, I want to go backpacking and explore outside Malaysia. Open up my eyes more, and see the beauty of simple, everyday matters in lands of rich cultures and traditions, unique and special in their own ways.

I know in everyday blog posts and conversations, I don't sound that deep.

Honestly, thoughts and opinions like these are what my brain processes the most.

I think last-minute studying for SPM is also playing a part in why I'm blogging about matters like these.

Cheers to all!

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This ad has been aired frequently on the Mediacorp channels. The one we see on TV isn't the full version. This video helped me to understand the whole idea of the ad better.

It's sad, really. I have to say, I love the song used for the ad though. It somehow gives me the picture of me in old age, sitting on a rocking chair and listening to this particular song on a gramophone. That's me, I don't know about you. My mother agrees with me, apparently.

Cheers!

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I cried badly the first time I watched this ad on TV. Just wanted to share this with my readers.

Cheers!

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©fat owls.

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-Past and Present, ©KrnBrdMnNix.-
Up till this very second typing this entry out, I'm lucky that I'm still alive and well.

When I just found out I had cancer two months ago, a lot of people made the effort to contact me on Facebook and through calls and text messages to convey their well-wishes, support and encouragement for me. Close friends, friends, relatives, teachers, tutors - it doesn't matter who they are, I'm grateful and thankful for everything they've done for me.

There was a period of time when I was a mini celebrity among these people. I got a lot of attention, whether I liked it or not.

And then I found out something about a particular someone I personally know.

Said someone really loves attention. Said someone will do nearly everything and anything that's not against the rules or the law to attract attention. Said someone is a very loud person.

Nah, there's nothing wrong with all of those qualities about her, really. Said someone is quite likeable, and has many friends. Maybe it's just me, and I choose to be not that close to said someone.

I don't really talk to said someone unless completely necessary. I rather mind my own business. I don't dislike her, but said someone's presence makes me feel very uncomfortable.

Whenever I'm in situations that causes the spotlight to be on me, said someone will never fail to stare at me with 'the look'. I find it very difficult to explain 'the look' to my readers here, hence me calling the way said someone stares at me - 'the look'. It's as if said someone is very displeased that I'm gaining all this attention, even if it's just something momentary.

At first, I thought it was just me. Maybe I was just being too sensitive, or I was thinking too much into it.

After years of observation and confirmation from a close friend, I realised that all my thoughts and opinions about said someone were unfortunately true.

And finally, here comes the worst part.


I was shocked. I was amazed. After the fact had fully sunk in, I couldn't help but feel disgusted at the same time as well.

Well, said someone isn't that active in the online community. But here's a message for that said someone.

You really have no idea what you're asking for. It's easy for healthy and cancer-free people to say that people who have cancer just have to undergo radiotherapy and chemotherapy. They're just words to some people.

Going for radiotherapy or/and chemotherapy isn't as simple as one may think. I can't say much about radiotherapy, but I can tell you, chemotherapy literally poisons the body. Chemotherapy kills both cancerous and non-cancerous cells. Chemotherapy has many side-effects, and can affect an individual during or/and after treatment. Side-effects include hair loss, mood swings, stomachaches, headaches, blurred vision, and nausea. There's more. Seriously.

You aren't encouraged to go out often because you have literally zero immunity. You have a high risk of falling sick easily. And if you do fall sick, the consequences are ten times worse than when an average person falls sick. It's because your immune system is nearly non-existent. You will not be capable of fighting viruses, germs and bacteria in/on your body like before.

You'll have scans to go for. You'll have needles constantly being poked into you. You'll have to deal with a strict diet. You'll have your blood repeatedly taken to check on the number of white blood cells you have. You'll feel tired far too easily, and too often. Your usual lifestyle before having cancer has to undergo a 360 degree turn.

Treatment and hospital stays don't come in cheap. Will it make you feel good knowing that your medical condition may be burdening your parents? Having your parents and family members adjusting their lifestyles to suit your needs? The worry and fear you have to put them through?

Seriously, what in the world were you thinking to even harbour the thought to have cancer just for the sake of attention?

When I found out I have cancer and knowing that there is this pretty large tumour situated right between my lungs and in front of my heart, pressing against my superior vena cava, it felt like I was standing on this thin line between life and death.

If I were to find out about my condition much later, I can't even bear to think of what might happen.

Problems that seemed so major before, actually seems trivial now, compared to everything I have been through. For the record, I went for a surgery before, was in a coma and even was sent to the ICU for that. I have to say, I'm proud to have survived all that. But of course, it would have been better if it wasn't necessary for me to endure procedures like that.

The moral of the story? Do appreciate your life as who you are now. Appreciate every single moment of your life. There are bound to be both good and bad times. You can't expect life to go your way every time.

Cheers!

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-Freedom, ©PuncieGraphics.-
Having two legs and two arms, I feel lucky for the gift of movement.

I think some of us take it for granted that we are blessed with a regular body. While some of us are complaining about fat thighs, love handles, a big nose or feet that are too small, some of us aren't that lucky.

Some individuals are disabled. Disabled in the sense that certain parts of their bodies are paralysed. Disabled in the sense that they are bed-ridden. Disabled in the sense that they had their fingers, hands, arms, toes, feet, legs, thighs amputated due to accidents or medical conditions. Disabled in the sense that they are subjected to using a wheelchair for the rest of their lives. Disabled in the sense that they may be born with deformities.

But no, we shall not pity the aforementioned people. We will not feel sorry for them.

In fact, I think we should treat them as equals. We should respect them and not take advantage of disabled-friendly facilities. In my humble opinion, they do not want us to treat them differently from how we treat others. They want to feel like normal people too.

I look up to them, for it is certainly not easy to get used to a lifestyle like that. They are strong, and they have to find ways and methods to face situations and daily routines. Activities that seem simple to us, may come through as difficulties and challenges for them.

Let's say, you want to brush your teeth. You take your toothbrush. Next, you want to squeeze some toothpaste onto your toothbrush. Simple right?

Now, in the eyes of someone who has lost the ability to use either one of their hands. Maybe both! Some have to resort to using their feet to brush their teeth. Other have to figure out another way to overcome what seems to be something easy for us with both hands and arms. Do you see what I'm trying to say?

I have experienced what it's like to be lacking in movement. Like the time when I went for a minor surgery to test for what kind of lymphoma I have. I was bed-ridden for a few days. I guess it was because I never went through a surgery before, I ended up pretty weak from it. I had to have nurses to help me clean myself.

I had experienced being pushed around with a wheelchair. After my second chemo session, one of the unexpected side-effects was me having pain and soreness in the bones and my muscles, which affected my entire left arm. I couldn't move it properly for nearly two weeks. And yes, it was certainly quite tough to get used to a new lifestyle in which I couldn't type with two hands, I couldn't move heavy objects, and even simple things like taking a shower or brushing my teeth was pretty difficult.

So to all my readers, do love your body. No matter of what shape or size you are, you are lucky for having the use of both your arms and legs. Movement is a blessing you know. A walk in the park to take in the sceneries, running to catch up with a friend or two, or even dancing.

Some of us may take the gift of movement for granted, but here I am, in hopes that we all can feel how blessed we are with this gift.

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Shin.1966 - 2009. "She lives forever in the hearts of those who knew her, and know of her."
I watched a documentary about her battle against cancer on Mediacorp's Channel 8 in 2008, back when I was still fifteen. I was really touched by her strong will and constant optimism despite her condition.

I found her blog and sent her an e-mail, expressing how wowed I am by her. All I wanted then was to tell her to keep up the good fight, and she was doing at good job at it; I learnt a lot about life in that one night through her documentary and blog entries than in my fifteen years of living life - complaining and whining when I was actually one lucky brat. I honestly didn't expect her to reply.

Guess what? She did.

I would like to share her reply to me with all of my readers. It also works as a reminder to me that I should keep up the good fight as well. I hope she doesn't mind, but I personally don't think she will; bless her good soul.

11th November 2008.

Leonie,

Thanks for your kind e-mail. It's taken me a while to respond because I only just saw it. I look at my Gmail account once every week or so. This Yahoo account is more reliable if you want to contact me.

I truly appreciate your words of praise and encouragement.

You say that you're a 15-year-old Malaysian student and that you're not good with words? You should know that your short note was more articulate, well-written, and intelligently expressed than most of the comments I've been getting - many of them, adult professionals.

I don't know what you plan on doing with your future, but with your gift of expression, I think you've got a bright future ahead of you, professionally. And more important, you seem to have a maturity and insight beyond your age. I'm betting that you go on do something great with your life - not in terms of money or fame, but something that will make a difference to the people and the community around you.

Thanks, and good luck to you.

Shin

*** Shin had really good foresight. Even if I personally don't think so, I guess my friends, acquaintances, and strangers who have got to know of my cancer journey will agree that I did manage to 'make a difference to the people and the community around me.'

Rest in peace, Shin. My only regret then was that I didn't get to reply your e-mail in time. Cancer took you away not long after, and this will always bug my conscience for being such a procrastinator.

But you have enlightened me in so many ways, and you continue to live in my heart as my inspiration to keep up the good fight.

Keep up the good fight. That should work well as a personal motto.

To my readers who want to know more of this amazing person, do visit her blog at http://shinscancerblog.blogspot.com and watch the documentary I watched by clicking on this link.

Thank you Shin. Thank you for making such a difference to my life.

©Photo of Shin belongs to her family members.

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And I don't see the end yet. Not at all.

Hello reader(s). It's been some time since I last blogged. I miss blogging, honestly.

For me, SPM ended about one week ago. The 9th of December 2010 was the day when some of my peers who took their last papers screamed for joy and celebrated their freedom. The day which marked the end of high school for us.

That day was one of my most miserable moments in life. I cried right after the invigilator left the counselling room where I was isolated from the rest throughout SPM. I did badly for Accounts Paper 2, and ended up writing some nonsense just to fill in the answer sheets.

In the room, I can hear laughter and shrieks of happiness.

Through the window, I can see my friends and classmates jumping around, taking photos and videos. They're hugging each other too.

Everyone was just happy that their last paper was over.

Except for me.

I never felt so left out before.

I can't hug my friends, because I'm susceptible to infections and contagious illnesses. And I don't think most of my friends even remembered that I was there, in the counselling room, amidst their joy and laughter.

I felt..forgotten.

Being away from school for half a year is not as awesome as most of my peers think. I can't see my friends, I can't keep up with my studies. People seem to think that I have a lot of time to study and do revision in the comforts of my own home.

Wrong. I spend most of the time recuperating from the side effects of chemotherapy. I hardly have the energy to study the first few months of me receiving treatment. And, I also happen to spend most of my time in the hospital and in Malacca. Stop making assumptions if you don't have the facts.

It's as if I'm slowly fading from everyone's memories.

It's as if..I don't exist in their lives anymore.

It's just painful for me to have these kind of thoughts haunting my head, whether they're true or not.

My mum never fails to remind me that there is no such thing as 'friends forever'. I believe in that too, since most of the friendships I'd been in just don't work out in the end. It's undeniable that generally, everybody is selfish. Everybody wants the good things for their ownselves. Not everybody likes to share.

My mum also never fails to tell me that I'm too soft. It's true. I treasure my friends a lot. They mean so much to me. Betraying their secrets that they trusted me with or bitching about them is the last thing that I'll do. I do my best to help them out if they have any problems. I'm their shoulder for them to lean on. I'm the listener among my friends. I don't know how to say no to my friends' requests or favours.

It's only now, when I have cancer, I know who my real friends are.

People who I thought that could care less about me, continuously offered me the encouragement and support I need.

There are friends that stuck by me all the way, and still are.

Then there are the bad apples. I'm not in the mood to elaborate now.

I have many dissatisfactions to blog about. But I guess I'll just have to save them for later.

To summarise, I'm not cancer-free yet. The tumour inside of me is still active, but it is now smaller than before. It is now measuring at 6cm. I'll be undergoing radiotherapy in Johor Bahru, and most probably I have to deal with 20 to 25 fractions. That means I'll have to undergo radiotherapy for at least 20 to 25 days. Maybe more, maybe less. A month after treatment, and I'll go for another PET scan. If the results are still negative, I'll have to undergo a bone marrow transplant. You did not read that wrongly.

My life is in constant danger everyday. Waking up to a new day knowing that I'm still alive is a miracle.

So a friendly note to my peers who complain they are super bored with life after SPM, be grateful you don't have my so-called exciting life. If you're really that bored, go help out with the house chores, get a job, hang out with friends, spend time with your family, or indulge in your hobbies. I can't believe you guys can actually be bored when there is so much you guys can do, that I can't.

Cheers.

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I'll be leaving for Malacca again tomorrow. I really hope that Monday will be my last visit to the hospital for chemotherapy. Sure, I'll be making occasional trips there for checkups. But honestly, like how I'd been telling my close friends - I really can't wait to get this cancer shit over and done with.

Five months of my precious final year in high school was and still is being spent self-quarantined at home. I wouldn't call myself a social butterfly, but I enjoy interacting with different people. Going to school and attending tuition classes allow me to do so. Honestly, I'm not the kind of person who enjoys being cooped up at home so much.

Sure, there are the pros and cons. I bonded with my family members a lot since me getting to know I have cancer, especially my mum. Everybody is being very nice and patient with me. No matter how moody, cranky or worried they are, they will immediately put a smile on their faces when it comes to talking to me and reassuring me that I am indeed going to fully recover from lymphoma. I appreciate that a lot. I am truly blessed to have such awesome family members, even if they have their flaws. Hey, we're all perfectly imperfect. Beyond those imperfections, there are that little bit of themselves which makes them uniquely them.

It's already the 30th of October. Starting from November onwards, I am going to take a break from the online world and focus on doing well for SPM. Of course, I'm aiming for straight A's. It's the least I can do to please my parents and make them proud of me. Not forgetting some of my schoolteachers who believe in my abilities to score well in SPM. Still, I have to take my health into consideration. Definitely, I'll do my best in the exams. The results? I'll just have to hope that the examiners who are marking my papers will be in a tremendously good mood and be more lenient with whatever answers I can come up with then.

After the first week of SPM, I'm due for a PET scan. That scan will determine whether I have to go back for more chemotherapy sessions or whether I'm cancer-free or not. Who doesn't hope for the latter?

I sincerely hope that this journey of mine can come to an end really soon. It hasn't been easy, but I'm glad that I'd managed to make it this far.

Cheers!

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Being a cancer patient now, especially at this particular age - I honestly regret the past me. Me who did not understand the ups and downs of an individual who has cancer.

I read many newspaper articles over the years about cancer patients and survivors of different ages, telling their stories. I have seen charity shows on television, seeking funds to help the needy. All of them have their problems and difficulties.

As part of an audience, their stories can impact your lives. You can either choose to help them or people in similar situations, or not give a damn at all.

I was one of the people who watch and read their stories. Then, I feel bad because I'm not able to do much to help them. Next, I'll remind myself of one of my personal vows to make sure that I give back to society - financially when I have a stable income, physically and emotionally as a girl who has been blessed enough compared to how life has treated them. Finally, I'll say a silent prayer, thanking the Creator for my current life. The cycle repeats itself over and over.

So, when cancer hit me, it made me grow up really quickly. I learnt life lessons in a matter of days, months even that might take others nearly a lifetime to learn. Maybe never at all.

As much as people claim to understand my situation or my family's, in the end, it's really up to my own willpower to fight this annoying shit called lymphoma. The support, encouragement, prayers and well-wishes I have been getting all this while from my family, relatives, friends, teachers, tuition teachers, acquaintances and even strangers - they sure make me stronger, and their good intentions remind me of a very solid reason to fight on and get cancer over and done with.

Hey! I'm still seventeen. There are so many things I want to do - things that I'm passionate about, ambitions to achieve, fears to conquer, and of course - to enjoy the simplicity of joy and happiness.

There was a possibility that lymphoma could have taken my life away. There was a possibility that my parents would lose a daughter. My brother, a sister. My buddies, a friend. My teachers, a student. The people who know me, a familiar face. And the list goes on and on.

I took a lot of things for granted before. Funny how you only start to appreciate someone or something only when they are gone.

Knowing me, I put a lot of unnecessary pressure on myself. Hence, as of the 5th of July this year, my new motto in life is to definitely stop and smell the roses. I think all of us should, too.

Sometimes, I wish I could live a simple village life, where materialism hardly exists and activities like catching fish in rivers that are hardly polluted, climbing up trees and simple games are capable of bringing smiles to faces. Where the womenfolk do their household chores together, and hear them chattering away from matters ranging from the day's weather or the neighbour's daughter getting married off to some wealthy man. A place where the hustle and bustle of city life and its complications would not turn most of us into schemers, liars and betrayers.

With the aforementioned statement, I think I would like to experience a homestay programme. And of course, I want to go backpacking and explore outside Malaysia. Open up my eyes more, and see the beauty of simple, everyday matters in lands of rich cultures and traditions, unique and special in their own ways.

I know in everyday blog posts and conversations, I don't sound that deep.

Honestly, thoughts and opinions like these are what my brain processes the most.

I think last-minute studying for SPM is also playing a part in why I'm blogging about matters like these.

Cheers to all!

Labels: i'm grateful and blessed for.., life lessons, lymphoma and me, musings

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This ad has been aired frequently on the Mediacorp channels. The one we see on TV isn't the full version. This video helped me to understand the whole idea of the ad better.

It's sad, really. I have to say, I love the song used for the ad though. It somehow gives me the picture of me in old age, sitting on a rocking chair and listening to this particular song on a gramophone. That's me, I don't know about you. My mother agrees with me, apparently.

Cheers!

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I cried badly the first time I watched this ad on TV. Just wanted to share this with my readers.

Cheers!

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©fat owls.

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-Past and Present, ©KrnBrdMnNix.-
Up till this very second typing this entry out, I'm lucky that I'm still alive and well.

When I just found out I had cancer two months ago, a lot of people made the effort to contact me on Facebook and through calls and text messages to convey their well-wishes, support and encouragement for me. Close friends, friends, relatives, teachers, tutors - it doesn't matter who they are, I'm grateful and thankful for everything they've done for me.

There was a period of time when I was a mini celebrity among these people. I got a lot of attention, whether I liked it or not.

And then I found out something about a particular someone I personally know.

Said someone really loves attention. Said someone will do nearly everything and anything that's not against the rules or the law to attract attention. Said someone is a very loud person.

Nah, there's nothing wrong with all of those qualities about her, really. Said someone is quite likeable, and has many friends. Maybe it's just me, and I choose to be not that close to said someone.

I don't really talk to said someone unless completely necessary. I rather mind my own business. I don't dislike her, but said someone's presence makes me feel very uncomfortable.

Whenever I'm in situations that causes the spotlight to be on me, said someone will never fail to stare at me with 'the look'. I find it very difficult to explain 'the look' to my readers here, hence me calling the way said someone stares at me - 'the look'. It's as if said someone is very displeased that I'm gaining all this attention, even if it's just something momentary.

At first, I thought it was just me. Maybe I was just being too sensitive, or I was thinking too much into it.

After years of observation and confirmation from a close friend, I realised that all my thoughts and opinions about said someone were unfortunately true.

And finally, here comes the worst part.


I was shocked. I was amazed. After the fact had fully sunk in, I couldn't help but feel disgusted at the same time as well.

Well, said someone isn't that active in the online community. But here's a message for that said someone.

You really have no idea what you're asking for. It's easy for healthy and cancer-free people to say that people who have cancer just have to undergo radiotherapy and chemotherapy. They're just words to some people.

Going for radiotherapy or/and chemotherapy isn't as simple as one may think. I can't say much about radiotherapy, but I can tell you, chemotherapy literally poisons the body. Chemotherapy kills both cancerous and non-cancerous cells. Chemotherapy has many side-effects, and can affect an individual during or/and after treatment. Side-effects include hair loss, mood swings, stomachaches, headaches, blurred vision, and nausea. There's more. Seriously.

You aren't encouraged to go out often because you have literally zero immunity. You have a high risk of falling sick easily. And if you do fall sick, the consequences are ten times worse than when an average person falls sick. It's because your immune system is nearly non-existent. You will not be capable of fighting viruses, germs and bacteria in/on your body like before.

You'll have scans to go for. You'll have needles constantly being poked into you. You'll have to deal with a strict diet. You'll have your blood repeatedly taken to check on the number of white blood cells you have. You'll feel tired far too easily, and too often. Your usual lifestyle before having cancer has to undergo a 360 degree turn.

Treatment and hospital stays don't come in cheap. Will it make you feel good knowing that your medical condition may be burdening your parents? Having your parents and family members adjusting their lifestyles to suit your needs? The worry and fear you have to put them through?

Seriously, what in the world were you thinking to even harbour the thought to have cancer just for the sake of attention?

When I found out I have cancer and knowing that there is this pretty large tumour situated right between my lungs and in front of my heart, pressing against my superior vena cava, it felt like I was standing on this thin line between life and death.

If I were to find out about my condition much later, I can't even bear to think of what might happen.

Problems that seemed so major before, actually seems trivial now, compared to everything I have been through. For the record, I went for a surgery before, was in a coma and even was sent to the ICU for that. I have to say, I'm proud to have survived all that. But of course, it would have been better if it wasn't necessary for me to endure procedures like that.

The moral of the story? Do appreciate your life as who you are now. Appreciate every single moment of your life. There are bound to be both good and bad times. You can't expect life to go your way every time.

Cheers!

Labels: i'm grateful and blessed for.., life lessons, lymphoma and me, medical procedures, musings

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-Freedom, ©PuncieGraphics.-
Having two legs and two arms, I feel lucky for the gift of movement.

I think some of us take it for granted that we are blessed with a regular body. While some of us are complaining about fat thighs, love handles, a big nose or feet that are too small, some of us aren't that lucky.

Some individuals are disabled. Disabled in the sense that certain parts of their bodies are paralysed. Disabled in the sense that they are bed-ridden. Disabled in the sense that they had their fingers, hands, arms, toes, feet, legs, thighs amputated due to accidents or medical conditions. Disabled in the sense that they are subjected to using a wheelchair for the rest of their lives. Disabled in the sense that they may be born with deformities.

But no, we shall not pity the aforementioned people. We will not feel sorry for them.

In fact, I think we should treat them as equals. We should respect them and not take advantage of disabled-friendly facilities. In my humble opinion, they do not want us to treat them differently from how we treat others. They want to feel like normal people too.

I look up to them, for it is certainly not easy to get used to a lifestyle like that. They are strong, and they have to find ways and methods to face situations and daily routines. Activities that seem simple to us, may come through as difficulties and challenges for them.

Let's say, you want to brush your teeth. You take your toothbrush. Next, you want to squeeze some toothpaste onto your toothbrush. Simple right?

Now, in the eyes of someone who has lost the ability to use either one of their hands. Maybe both! Some have to resort to using their feet to brush their teeth. Other have to figure out another way to overcome what seems to be something easy for us with both hands and arms. Do you see what I'm trying to say?

I have experienced what it's like to be lacking in movement. Like the time when I went for a minor surgery to test for what kind of lymphoma I have. I was bed-ridden for a few days. I guess it was because I never went through a surgery before, I ended up pretty weak from it. I had to have nurses to help me clean myself.

I had experienced being pushed around with a wheelchair. After my second chemo session, one of the unexpected side-effects was me having pain and soreness in the bones and my muscles, which affected my entire left arm. I couldn't move it properly for nearly two weeks. And yes, it was certainly quite tough to get used to a new lifestyle in which I couldn't type with two hands, I couldn't move heavy objects, and even simple things like taking a shower or brushing my teeth was pretty difficult.

So to all my readers, do love your body. No matter of what shape or size you are, you are lucky for having the use of both your arms and legs. Movement is a blessing you know. A walk in the park to take in the sceneries, running to catch up with a friend or two, or even dancing.

Some of us may take the gift of movement for granted, but here I am, in hopes that we all can feel how blessed we are with this gift.

Labels: i'm grateful and blessed for.., life lessons, medical procedures, musings

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