Hello! I'm Leonie. I’m from Malaysia. I am nineteen this year, and I have Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma - a kind of blood cancer. I’m just trying to live my life to the fullest, without any regrets. I'm grateful that I’m still able to wake up to a brand new day and know that I'm still alive.

I refuse to refer to my condition as a disease. I would rather phrase it as a 'series of unfortunate events'.

I learn something new with each passing day. This is the story of my journey, and you're welcome to follow me in every step that I take.

If you would like to learn more about me and my condition, feel free to click on the navigations below. If you have any queries or would just like to say hello, drop me an e-mail at and I'll try to respond as soon as possible!



Thursday, 24 March 2011
what ifs.

If you got redirected here through Facebook or Twitter and clicked on the link just to know my results - I'm sorry to disappoint you, but it's not going to happen. But you have to admit, it got your attention, didn't it? ;)

Anyway, to those of you who do know what my results are - please keep it to yourself. You'll be doing me a major favour, and I would really appreciate that.

To sum it all up:
  1. I passed SPM 2010.
  2. I didn't score straight A's.
  3. I did better than I expected.
  4. I did well for English. I didn't let En. Ismail down.
  5. My parents and brother are happy with my results.
  6. I'm grateful because I managed to take all ten subjects for SPM and sat for every paper despite my condition. (Some people suggested to my parents that I should drop all the electives and just sit for the core subjects. I told my parents that I didn't want to waste the money they spent on me attending tuition classes and the time I spent learning all the electives before getting cancer.)
A few individuals told me about my schoolmates' results. Generally, they were telling me that I did much better than them. My schoolmates continued schooling and attended tuition throughout the year, while I went for chemotherapy sessions, hospital check-ups, blood tests and biopsies. I was forced to stay at home. The said individuals told me that I got pretty excellent results through my own effort. I could have scored straight A's if I was cancer-free and led life normally.

I felt bad listening to all of their comments. I felt that they have to bring someone down to make me feel better about myself. It's nearly like the basis of bullying. I felt like a bully who bullied others to comfort and comfort my own low self-esteem.

This is one of the reasons why I don't want to publicise my results online. I don't want people who got worse results than me to feel stupid or bad. I don't want to be the cause of further distress and upset.

I don't want their thoughts to be contaminated with notions like this or similar to this:

"She sat for SPM,
she had cancer,
and she did so well compared to me!
A normal, healthy person!
I'm really useless and stupid."

Honestly, no matter how well or how badly we did for SPM - the results cannot be changed. Getting good results doesn't mean you're going to secure a pass for the future. Getting bad results doesn't mean that your future is ruined.

Truthfully, if I didn't get diagnosed with cancer - I wouldn't be saying all of this. I might think it's the end of the world if I got anything other than a A for any of my subjects.

But I was diagnosed with cancer. And I went through so much. I fought hard just to stay alive. I aspire to make a great change to this world. I want to spend more time with my family and friends. I want to contribute back to society.

If I lost my life to cancer, I wouldn't even get the chance to sit for any exam. I wouldn't even get a chance to score badly for anything.

And I just want my peers who feel that their SPM results are horrible and are reading this entry - you got the most priceless thing in the world that I don't have. Something that cannot ever be bought with money.

Your health.

The results that will certainly determine my life isn't my SPM results. It's the results of my PET scan next month.

And that, is all what matters to me now.

Labels: ,


5 comment(s):
Post a Comment