I was officially diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin's Mediastinal Large B-cell Lymphoma in July 2010. I was seventeen. I was in Form 5; my last year of secondary school, preparing to sit for the SPM examinations.

I would consider myself an average teenager - a girl who just wanted to have fun, with her quirks; trying to survive life as a teen.

It all started with me coughing non-stop after a bout of the common flu. Despite making several trips to my family doctor's clinic, the cough just won't seem to go away even after months of being under medication. Several prescriptions of cough drops later, my family doctor suggested to my parents and I to have a chest X-ray done for me.

A large tumour was discovered; situated in between my lungs, right in front of my heart. The tumour was pressing against my trachea, causing me to have slight breathing difficulties and all that coughing.

I stopped going to school almost immediately. My parents and I went on this journey to seek advice from specialists regarding my condition.

Next, I had a needle biopsy done which confirmed that the tumour consisted of active cancer cells. I had to go for a surgical biopsy to classify what kind of cells were they, so the proper treatment could be administered right away.

The cancer had then spread to my pancreas, kidneys and liver.

Afterwards, I went through six cycles of chemotherapy(R-CHOP) and self-studied for the rest of the year. I was lucky that I was fit enough to sit for my SPM examinations at the end of the year right after my last chemotherapy session scheduled for me was completed. Or else, I wouldn't be able to successfully graduate from secondary school. I had a lot of people telling me to just skip the examinations and relax for a bit, but my stubbornness got the better of me. I was determined enough then and thankfully, I did alright. At least I could fully focus on getting myself treated without worrying that I did not complete even my most basic education in Malaysia.

At the end of 2010, I went for a PET scan. My tumour did shrink, but it was still there.

When 2011 came, I went for radiotherapy this time. I had 25 fractions done.

I thought I was on the road to recovery at long last, but unfortunately…no.

A few days before my scheduled PET scan, I felt extreme soreness at the right side of my abdomen. It made me lose sleep at night, and my coughing fit was back. The oncologist in charge of my treatment for radiotherapy felt something near my right kidney. I went for a PET scan the very next day, and found out that my cancer had spread again. New tumours surrounded both my kidneys once more and my lower spine. Radiotherapy was crossed out from the possible ways of treatment, since the radiation will damage my kidneys, affecting their function tremendously.

I had three more cycles of chemotherapy(R-ICE) done. This proved effective for awhile, but after every session - the cancer would get aggressive and we went back to square one. Finally, it was decided that I was to undergo an autologous stem cell transplant. I had my stem cells harvested, and I went through a few days of high-dose chemotherapy before the transplant. I was hospitalised for a month. I had zero immunity, and blood infections which caused high fever haunted me. I made more trips back to the hospital to rid of the infections.

I am currently under quarantine and recuperating from the transplant; dealing with the side effects from both the transplant and my radiotherapy sessions - causing breathing problems, dizziness, fatigue, etc. The latter is the cause of a now weak heart.

I went for another 27 fractions of radiotherapy due to a tumour above my left kidney discovered by a PET scan in December 2011. My left kidney has lost its function.

Through another bout of coughing, I was advised to go for a chest X-ray and have an ultrasound done at the abdominal area. It is confirmed that my cancer relapsed for the third time. I am now under a new kind of medication.

***
So much had happened throughout me battling cancer.

Other than the physical challenges I have to go through, I also have to deal with my decreasing level of self-esteem and emotional health.

I do admit, I am a typical girl when it comes to me wanting to look pretty. You may call it vanity, but I say it's just me wanting to look presentable and good.

Imagine, I went bald twice; not once, but twice! Surprisingly, no tears came! (I later realised that it’s the process of waiting for my hair to grow again that’s truly challenging.)

This time, I hope I can truly make a full recovery and do my bit for the community. Also, hopefully my cancer journey as a teenager managed to inspire you and give you a more positive outlook on life. Quite a number of us assume that cancer only affects adults. On the contrary, I am a living example that that mindset is certainly untrue. It's not for me to tell you how to live your life, but you only live once, so treasure your life and your loved ones while you still can. Stop and smell the roses once in awhile, and you'll find that life is so fulfilling with just happiness and good health. A successful career, good grades - definite bonuses and great goals, but with life being so unpredictable; you'll never know what might happen next. Be content with what you already have, count your blessings and live life to the fullest without any regrets.

Believe me, I'm speaking from personal experience.

***
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I had enough.

To those of you who continuously ask me whether I'm okay or not, and seem to not believe me when I say I'm okay when I really mean it - here's some good news for you.

I'm not okay. Not at all. Not one bit.

Impatience and unbalanced hormones are both making my life miserable since radiotherapy ended.

Complete recovery from lymphoma seems unachievable.

Yes yes, call me a pessimist all you want. You think it's that simple?

You try having cancer when you're a teen who is stepping into adulthood, just wanting to have the time of your life with your family and friends.

Instead, you're isolated from civilisation and society itself. Why? The lack of white blood cells and your immune system being weaker than before. Your body cannot cope with the everyday germ, bacteria, or virus. Being infected can cause the cancer cells to massively spread to the rest of your body, namely your important internal organs. You can die just because of what is thought of as a minor flu among you normal and healthy people.

Hello! I didn't ask for cancer to happen to me. Especially not at this point of life when I'm turning 18 this year, and I was diagnosed in July last year! Just a few months more, and it would have been a year since lymphoma turned up unnecessarily in my life.

I tried to stay positive. I tried to be happy. I put a smile on my face whenever possible, I write cheerier entries on my blog, I avoid going online when I feel depressed and frustrated because I don't want to spread my unhappiness to others. I don't want to worry the people who care for me. I don't want them to feel sad or useless because they can't help lessen my pain. They can't help my cancer to just vanish into thin air and make me healthy again.

I'm sick and tired of all this waiting.

I have to wait for another agonising three months before I can go for another PET scan. I will only find out whether radiotherapy has worked its wonderful magic on me and make me cancer-free in three months' time.

Honestly, who doesn't hope for a complete recovery then?

But seriously, I no longer have high hopes for my next scan.

I had expected a complete recovery after six sessions of chemotherapy last year when I went for my first PET scan in December. Why? My doctor told me so. He said I have a high chance of complete recovery since throughout the last six months, my progress has been astoundingly great!

I made plans. Plans to finally spend time with my friends from school. Plans to go up to KL to meet up with two great people I have known online. Plans to find a job and lessen the burden of my parents who have been spending so much on my treatment. Plans to learn driving and be more independent. Plans to be a better daughter, plans to be a more responsible person.

All shattered in a matter of seconds, when the radiotherapist told me the tumour is still there, and I need to undergo further treatment.

The only good news? The tumour is smaller than before.

Fine, that's great. But to me, it's nearly like a "So what?" moment. I still have cancer. That tumour is still haunting me everyday.

I don't want to harbour high hopes on anything anymore, if it's going to result in broken dreams and a broken-hearted me.

Cancer has caused me to have this large gap between my friends in school and me. I feel like I missed out on countless conversations and fun times. I feel left out and forgotten.

Friends and friendships mean a lot to me. I'm a person who treasure friendships a lot.

No matter how much my mum tells me that friends, no matter how close they are to you now, will never stay your friends for life - I still hope that my friends can stay as friends. I hate arguments and misunderstandings between my friends and me. It really hurts me when something bad happens. Something that can cause the loss of a friend. It doesn't matter who is in the fault - whenever things go wrong, it just sucks.

I can cry on and off throughout the day, everyday. Till the problem is actually solved. To me, the possibility of losing a friend, or having a friend betray your trust - the pain is even more than falling out of love or having to deal with a breakup. I don't get romantic love at all, I'm more of a friendship love kind of girl.

I understand how all of them are busy with their own lives, with their own set of problems to solve. I understand. I really do.

It upsets me time and time again that when my friends are having problems, I can't be there for them. I cannot offer them a shoulder to cry or lean on. I cannot offer them a listening ear. I cannot give them a hug and let them know that I'll be there for them. It's just different communicating online and talking face to face.

I really feel like I'm just a fragment of my friends' past. A part of their memory. Someone who came into their lives, and is now a has been. I feel that cancer has robbed me of precious time to be spent with my friends.

I used to think that between family and friends, I'll choose my friends first. That's how much I treasure my friends. How much I love them. What I'm willing to do for them just to make them feel better, or to keep the friendship going.

It disappoints me, that friendships nowadays are so brittle and fragile. Some people are so selfish, they don't even consider your feelings. They'll do anything they can to achieve their personal goals, and hurting people along the way just doesn't matter, as long as they get what they want in the end.

I try not to rely on my friends too much, but I just can't. I trust them so much, love them so much. But what do I get in the end from some of my friends that were once so dear to me?

Hurt, betrayal, sadness, disappointment. Lovely presents, really. Just lovely.

Some of my friends that I can really trust and have no need to compete with them for anything are just so far away. I just wish I can fly off to another country and just spend time with them, pour my heart out, get some proper and mature advice and opinions.

Love yourself before loving others.

Guess what? I don't know how to.

I avoid going on Facebook, because going on Facebook can actually get me depressed. Why? I see photos of friends having a blast with other friends. Having a blast with college life. Having a blast working. Having a blast going out there and exploring the world.

Well, that could have been me.

I'm wasting my youth and the remaining years of me being a teenager - locked up at home, seeing the same things everyday. There's nothing new, there's nothing fresh, there's nothing exciting. My social skills are now nil, and I now stutter and cannot speak as fluently as I used to. I'm embarrassed of talking to people on the phone. I'm embarrassed to talk to people other than my immediate family members. I feel useless, I feel like I'm now disabled.

Compared to everyone and anyone of you that knows me, I feel inferior to all of you.

I don't want to be pitied by others. I don't want others to shed tears over my predicament.

And especially, I don't want to be famous and well-known because of me being a 17 year old going on 18 having cancer. No, please, enough of that.


I'm mentally, emotionally and physically tired.

I'm not as strong as all of you think. I have those moments when I feel totally useless, weak and hopeless.

Don't be mistaken. I'm not giving up on anything. I'm not giving up on myself, nor the hopes of recovering.

I'm just going through a tough time, emotionally and mentally.

I'm just..not okay.

P.S.: I'll respond to comments, Facebook posts, Formspring questions and Cbox messages when I feel better about myself. I'm sorry. I need time, and time isn't on my side.

Cheers.

Labels: lymphoma and me, medical procedures, musings

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Hello again readers.

I realised my previous entry was a very emotional one. Well, I guess that's the result of too much pent-up emotions.

Also, I realised the need to write a new entry, a more cheery one at that, to avoid some of my loved ones who read this blog getting too upset and/or worried for me.

So, I started radiotherapy on the 20th this month, and I had nine fractions done so far. The radiotherapists are a nice lot of people. One's a constant joker, one's a knowledgeable man, and one who treats me like her little sister.

I often see the same faces during the weekdays, since once a patient starts undergoing radiotherapy, he or she has to continue the treatment all the way until all fractions are completed. You can't stop halfway, or miss even one fraction. Maybe there are special circumstances to the aforementioned sentence, but normally, it brings dire consequences if one's radiotherapy regime is not strictly followed.

Lymphoma is still not a very commonly known cancer. Point is definitely proven, because even I have not heard of such a cancer till I myself was diagnosed with it. Most of the patients I have met were diagnosed with cancers such as cervical cancer, nose cancer, and breast cancer - the more common types of cancer affecting humans. And honestly, even though we have different types of cancer, only we can understand the side effects we have to face from chemotherapy and/or radiotherapy.

From that, I would like to quote a fellow blogger, Ming Wei, who was also diagnosed with lymphoma earlier in the year.

I'm just directly translating, but it sounds something like this.

"You're not a fish.
So how do you know whether the fish is happy or sad?"
It sounds more poetic in Chinese, really. But it cannot be any truer than that. In simpler terms,


No offense, readers. I am aware that my family and friends are trying their very best to understand my condition - whether physically or emotionally.

But no matter what, healthy and normal people can never fully and thoroughly understand what we have to endure through treatment, and life after cancer.

Only fellow cancer patients can truly understand how uncomfortable chemotherapy is.

To have a needle pricked into your veins and have very toxic medicinal fluids enter your body.
To go under the knife to have this inserted into your body for those having to endure several sessions of chemotherapy.
To go through hair loss, which harbours great emotional burden to many - especially women.

There are, of course, a lot more side effects from treatment, but I'm sure you can do your own research and homework. What's more, a lot of the side effects are general knowledge.

From radiotherapy, the skin where the rays are directed may be damaged. When I say damaged, just think of you and your worst case of sunburns. Yeah, just like that.

And wherever the rays are directed at (obviously it's where the tumour is in the body), more side effects tend to turn up.

Let's say one who has nose cancer undergoes radiotherapy, he or she tends to suffer from a runny/blocked nose, severe headaches and dizzy spells. This is because the rays tend to affect the area where the tumour is and the surroundings areas.

One who has cervical cancer, might suffer from a very bad case of diarrhea, abdominal pains, and stomach discomfort.

As for me, some of the rays will partially hit one of my main blood vessels (the superior vena cava) and my throat (the oesophagus), so I have been warned by my doctor that I will have a weak heart and in due time, continuous coughing, sore throats, and difficulty in swallowing food.

Some of the patients have to undergo both chemotherapy and radiotherapy at the same time. I'm considered lucky in that sense. The side effects from chemotherapy are bad enough, and having the side effects from radiotherapy to deal with as well - not a very ideal combination at all.

What I have mentioned are nothing but the facts. I may not be a certified doctor in this field, but I do not share untruths and rumours that are not proven scientifically with my readers. There are enough assumptions out there, and truthfully, I'm sick of each and every one of those assumptions. Instead, sharing the facts to anyone who reads my blog is a good start in erasing those assumptions one by one and having more people understand cancer and how it affects people and their everyday lives.

Not a very cheery entry, but at least it's not emotional and angsty. (:

Cheers.

Labels: lymphoma and me, medical procedures, musings, real life stories

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And I don't see the end yet. Not at all.

Hello reader(s). It's been some time since I last blogged. I miss blogging, honestly.

For me, SPM ended about one week ago. The 9th of December 2010 was the day when some of my peers who took their last papers screamed for joy and celebrated their freedom. The day which marked the end of high school for us.

That day was one of my most miserable moments in life. I cried right after the invigilator left the counselling room where I was isolated from the rest throughout SPM. I did badly for Accounts Paper 2, and ended up writing some nonsense just to fill in the answer sheets.

In the room, I can hear laughter and shrieks of happiness.

Through the window, I can see my friends and classmates jumping around, taking photos and videos. They're hugging each other too.

Everyone was just happy that their last paper was over.

Except for me.

I never felt so left out before.

I can't hug my friends, because I'm susceptible to infections and contagious illnesses. And I don't think most of my friends even remembered that I was there, in the counselling room, amidst their joy and laughter.

I felt..forgotten.

Being away from school for half a year is not as awesome as most of my peers think. I can't see my friends, I can't keep up with my studies. People seem to think that I have a lot of time to study and do revision in the comforts of my own home.

Wrong. I spend most of the time recuperating from the side effects of chemotherapy. I hardly have the energy to study the first few months of me receiving treatment. And, I also happen to spend most of my time in the hospital and in Malacca. Stop making assumptions if you don't have the facts.

It's as if I'm slowly fading from everyone's memories.

It's as if..I don't exist in their lives anymore.

It's just painful for me to have these kind of thoughts haunting my head, whether they're true or not.

My mum never fails to remind me that there is no such thing as 'friends forever'. I believe in that too, since most of the friendships I'd been in just don't work out in the end. It's undeniable that generally, everybody is selfish. Everybody wants the good things for their ownselves. Not everybody likes to share.

My mum also never fails to tell me that I'm too soft. It's true. I treasure my friends a lot. They mean so much to me. Betraying their secrets that they trusted me with or bitching about them is the last thing that I'll do. I do my best to help them out if they have any problems. I'm their shoulder for them to lean on. I'm the listener among my friends. I don't know how to say no to my friends' requests or favours.

It's only now, when I have cancer, I know who my real friends are.

People who I thought that could care less about me, continuously offered me the encouragement and support I need.

There are friends that stuck by me all the way, and still are.

Then there are the bad apples. I'm not in the mood to elaborate now.

I have many dissatisfactions to blog about. But I guess I'll just have to save them for later.

To summarise, I'm not cancer-free yet. The tumour inside of me is still active, but it is now smaller than before. It is now measuring at 6cm. I'll be undergoing radiotherapy in Johor Bahru, and most probably I have to deal with 20 to 25 fractions. That means I'll have to undergo radiotherapy for at least 20 to 25 days. Maybe more, maybe less. A month after treatment, and I'll go for another PET scan. If the results are still negative, I'll have to undergo a bone marrow transplant. You did not read that wrongly.

My life is in constant danger everyday. Waking up to a new day knowing that I'm still alive is a miracle.

So a friendly note to my peers who complain they are super bored with life after SPM, be grateful you don't have my so-called exciting life. If you're really that bored, go help out with the house chores, get a job, hang out with friends, spend time with your family, or indulge in your hobbies. I can't believe you guys can actually be bored when there is so much you guys can do, that I can't.

Cheers.

Labels: i'm grateful and blessed for.., life lessons, lymphoma and me, medical procedures, musings

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Chiara, Nicole, Flora, Erica and Carinn, thank you so much for the handmade card. I appreciate the effort you guys put in to do this for me. I'm really touched by the gesture. Even my parents are, too. (:

Hopefully, once I get the green light from my doctor, I'll be free to hang out with all of you after SPM is done. ;)

Labels: i'm grateful and blessed for.., lymphoma and me

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In exactly another week's time, I shall be sitting for SPM.

To be honest, I'm feel honestly unprepared. I don't even feel confident in scoring for English, which I think is my best subject.

Every night has been filled with nightmares revolving around SPM. I don't know which is stressing me out more - the nightmares or SPM itself.

There isn't one day when I wouldn't find myself in tears because I can't solve some random sum or the fact that I'm worried that I'll blank out during SPM.

Readers, I'm not usually the kind of person who freaks out before sitting for an exam. Any exam, in fact.

I don't know why I have so many doubts about myself this time. I really don't.

My parents only expect me to pass all my subjects. I lost count the number of times they told me to just do my best, not stress myself out and not to worry about anything regarding me furthering my studies.

But I can't help it.

I badly want to do well to make my parents proud of me. I want to prove that a cancer patient like myself is still capable of achieving something. Even if I'm sick, it doesn't mean that I'm not capable of doing well.

It's tough, I have to admit. I missed out on the last few chapters of every subject in school and in tuition classes. I lack the practice and revision, as most of my time was spent recuperating and dealing with the side effects of chemotherapy.

Self-studying isn't so bad. But if there is something I don't understand or can't solve, I have nobody to turn to. I don't want to burden my peers and friends who are busy with their lives coping with schoolwork and tight schedules.

I'm fortunate to have a good friend, Gurpreet who helps me out here and there with my studies occasioanally. But I can't expect her to be there for me all the time with my rants and problems. I don't want to trouble her too much either.

And then, there are some people who are conveniently inconsiderate and happen to be very tactless as well. They ask me about my preparations for SPM, and I first thought they were nice to show concern on my studies despite my condition.

How wrong. I'm just a channel for them to rant about how unprepared they are, and they can go on for ages, I tell you.

And all it takes was me reassuring them that they will certainly do better than me because I have been spending my time at home coping with both cancer and my studies while they have been attending school and tuition classes. The conversation ends almost immediately.

Bah, it's sickening to see people showing their real colours like that to me. I'll just let them live in their own imaginary world where everything goes their way while I stick to my principles in reality.

Meanwhile, my PET scan is rescheduled to the 10th of December - a day after my last paper. The following Monday will be spent to a trip to Malacca. I pray that all goes well.

Cheers.

Labels: lymphoma and me, medical procedures, musings

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I'll be leaving for Malacca again tomorrow. I really hope that Monday will be my last visit to the hospital for chemotherapy. Sure, I'll be making occasional trips there for checkups. But honestly, like how I'd been telling my close friends - I really can't wait to get this cancer shit over and done with.

Five months of my precious final year in high school was and still is being spent self-quarantined at home. I wouldn't call myself a social butterfly, but I enjoy interacting with different people. Going to school and attending tuition classes allow me to do so. Honestly, I'm not the kind of person who enjoys being cooped up at home so much.

Sure, there are the pros and cons. I bonded with my family members a lot since me getting to know I have cancer, especially my mum. Everybody is being very nice and patient with me. No matter how moody, cranky or worried they are, they will immediately put a smile on their faces when it comes to talking to me and reassuring me that I am indeed going to fully recover from lymphoma. I appreciate that a lot. I am truly blessed to have such awesome family members, even if they have their flaws. Hey, we're all perfectly imperfect. Beyond those imperfections, there are that little bit of themselves which makes them uniquely them.

It's already the 30th of October. Starting from November onwards, I am going to take a break from the online world and focus on doing well for SPM. Of course, I'm aiming for straight A's. It's the least I can do to please my parents and make them proud of me. Not forgetting some of my schoolteachers who believe in my abilities to score well in SPM. Still, I have to take my health into consideration. Definitely, I'll do my best in the exams. The results? I'll just have to hope that the examiners who are marking my papers will be in a tremendously good mood and be more lenient with whatever answers I can come up with then.

After the first week of SPM, I'm due for a PET scan. That scan will determine whether I have to go back for more chemotherapy sessions or whether I'm cancer-free or not. Who doesn't hope for the latter?

I sincerely hope that this journey of mine can come to an end really soon. It hasn't been easy, but I'm glad that I'd managed to make it this far.

Cheers!

Labels: i'm grateful and blessed for.., life lessons, lymphoma and me, medical procedures, musings

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I read an article today in The Star newspaper. Here are the excerpts that I particularly want to highlight, but you can read the full article here.

Post-doctoral research scientist with the Cancer Research Initiatives Foundation (Carif) Dr Lim, 34, said she was always saddened to read about cancer patients. The news of their diagnosis is devastating and sounds like a death sentence.

“I want to do something to help them through science,” said Dr Lim, who is from Cheras, Kuala Lumpur.

Her research project is to use vaccines to train immune cells to detect and recognise cancer cells which escape the immune system, and kill them.

“This form of targeted therapy generates a highly specific immune response towards the tumour and is expected to be associated with fewer side effects typically compared to chemotherapy.

“In addition, it can hunt out recurring cancer and is relatively cheaper compared with other targeted cancer treatment methods,” she explained.

Dr Lim’s role model is Nobel Laureate Marie Curie and she dreams of having a research life like Curie, who excelled during an era of male dominance. Curie discovered the theory of radioactivity and under her direction, people started to treat cancer using radioactive isotopes.

“Don’t be afraid of failure. Science is not easy and you will encounter multiple challenges but don’t give up!” Dr Lim advises young women scientists.

I'm praying so hard for her success. We all should.

Labels: musings, real life stories

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Being a cancer patient now, especially at this particular age - I honestly regret the past me. Me who did not understand the ups and downs of an individual who has cancer.

I read many newspaper articles over the years about cancer patients and survivors of different ages, telling their stories. I have seen charity shows on television, seeking funds to help the needy. All of them have their problems and difficulties.

As part of an audience, their stories can impact your lives. You can either choose to help them or people in similar situations, or not give a damn at all.

I was one of the people who watch and read their stories. Then, I feel bad because I'm not able to do much to help them. Next, I'll remind myself of one of my personal vows to make sure that I give back to society - financially when I have a stable income, physically and emotionally as a girl who has been blessed enough compared to how life has treated them. Finally, I'll say a silent prayer, thanking the Creator for my current life. The cycle repeats itself over and over.

So, when cancer hit me, it made me grow up really quickly. I learnt life lessons in a matter of days, months even that might take others nearly a lifetime to learn. Maybe never at all.

As much as people claim to understand my situation or my family's, in the end, it's really up to my own willpower to fight this annoying shit called lymphoma. The support, encouragement, prayers and well-wishes I have been getting all this while from my family, relatives, friends, teachers, tuition teachers, acquaintances and even strangers - they sure make me stronger, and their good intentions remind me of a very solid reason to fight on and get cancer over and done with.

Hey! I'm still seventeen. There are so many things I want to do - things that I'm passionate about, ambitions to achieve, fears to conquer, and of course - to enjoy the simplicity of joy and happiness.

There was a possibility that lymphoma could have taken my life away. There was a possibility that my parents would lose a daughter. My brother, a sister. My buddies, a friend. My teachers, a student. The people who know me, a familiar face. And the list goes on and on.

I took a lot of things for granted before. Funny how you only start to appreciate someone or something only when they are gone.

Knowing me, I put a lot of unnecessary pressure on myself. Hence, as of the 5th of July this year, my new motto in life is to definitely stop and smell the roses. I think all of us should, too.

Sometimes, I wish I could live a simple village life, where materialism hardly exists and activities like catching fish in rivers that are hardly polluted, climbing up trees and simple games are capable of bringing smiles to faces. Where the womenfolk do their household chores together, and hear them chattering away from matters ranging from the day's weather or the neighbour's daughter getting married off to some wealthy man. A place where the hustle and bustle of city life and its complications would not turn most of us into schemers, liars and betrayers.

With the aforementioned statement, I think I would like to experience a homestay programme. And of course, I want to go backpacking and explore outside Malaysia. Open up my eyes more, and see the beauty of simple, everyday matters in lands of rich cultures and traditions, unique and special in their own ways.

I know in everyday blog posts and conversations, I don't sound that deep.

Honestly, thoughts and opinions like these are what my brain processes the most.

I think last-minute studying for SPM is also playing a part in why I'm blogging about matters like these.

Cheers to all!

Labels: i'm grateful and blessed for.., life lessons, lymphoma and me, musings

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Hello readers! I'm in Malacca now as I'm typing this blog entry out.

Tomorrow, I will be going for my fifth chemo session. Two more chemo sessions, inclusive of tomorrow's, and hopefully, I'm done with chemotherapy for good.

I'm praying very hard that the side-effects from tomorrow's chemo won't be too bad. I intend to do some past year papers and revise History. Honestly, I know zilch in that subject. If you wonder how I could score alright for History exams, I rely on pretty accurate tips. Of course, it's always an E for me if the paper is set by the school. Haha!

Cheers to today's date, 10/10/10!

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I had a surgical biopsy scheduled on the 14th of July. It was to determine the type of lymphoma I have.

Pre-surgery procedures were carried out. I had to shower and bathe myself in antiseptic. It smelt awful, I swear. I felt nauseous due to that..indescribable smell.

A nurse had to shave my body hair from waist up. I still remember, that nurse wasn't a local. I had problems communicating with her, since she couldn't speak English nor Malay fluently. She couldn't understand Chinese either.

Being a new nurse as well, she misunderstood the instructions given to her and nearly shaved my body hair from waist down as well. I don't need to go into details, you probably can figure this one out yourself.

I had to fast from midnight onwards.

My surgery was set to start at 10AM. An hour before, I had to get myself dressed in a hospital robe. I also had to wear a shower cap. Around 9.30AM, I was wheeled in a wheelchair to the OT (Operating Theatre).

There, I was transferred to a hospital bed. Since I couldn't lie down, because back then my tumour caused me to cough badly if I did so, I was seated up instead. I was wheeled to a section where other patients that were due for their respective surgeries were waiting for their turn.

I soon met my anaesthetist, Dr. Lim. He is a humourous man. He filled me in with the effects of anaesthesia, and the possible side-effects.

After that, was one of my most secretly agonising moments.

I used the word 'secretly' because I didn't want to let it show. The agony of waiting to be wheeled into the theatre, I mean.

At first, I thought that my surgery would start the moment Dr. Lim finished lecturing me and poked another needle into me for an IV drip. I just wanted to get the surgery done and over with. It didn't help that I never went under the knife before. I was extra nervous, even though the rate of success was pretty high. Still, there's always a risk in everything we do.

A nurse there switched the heater on for me. I had to admit, it was cold there. I personally dislike feeling cold. Thankfully, I'm living in Malaysia. Crazy weather we have here, but certainly suits me well indeed.

Half an hour later, the surgeon in charge of my operation still hadn't arrived yet. I felt annoyed. It was bad enough that I was scared due to the thought of being operated on, it didn't help at all witnessing other patients being wheeled to the operating room.

The other patients were all lying down, looking very solemn. I noticed I got some stares from some of these patients as it was obvious that I was the youngest there. The stares didn't last for long though. All of us there were nervous for our respective surgeries.

I was lucky that a senior nurse approached me, and started a conversation with me. She asked me about my condition, my age, where I was from, and even about my studies. She also talked to me about my ambitions and what I wanted to do in the future after I'd graduated from secondary school. She kept me fairly distracted from me thinking about the operation too much.

The other nurses there were quite shocked to see me talking animatedly with Sister Tan. They were already used to the sombre mood of the place. Some of them came up to me, as they were curious to know more about this teenager who didn't look nervous and frightened at all! Honestly, I was still nervous. I just didn't want to let it show too much.

I even got the opportunity to see the nurses and different surgeons rushing here and there, preparing themselves for the patients' operations. At other times, it was just them sitting around, having random conversations to pass time before the next patient comes by.

Finally, two hours after my surgery was scheduled to begin, Dr. Lee arrived. I was wheeled into the theatre, and I started to pray really hard.

In the theatre, it was a very bright and white place. Unlike those you see in serial dramas and movies, the contrast of the atmosphere couldn't be missed.

A nurse helped me to put on a mask, and here comes the funny part.

Below is the conversation I had with Dr. Lim.

L - Leonie, D - Dr. Lim.

D: Okay, this is oxygen you're breathing in now. Just to let you know.
L: Alright!
D: I'm going to start putting in the anaesthesia now. Don't worry! In a few seconds, you're going to smell a nice, berry-like smell. I'm generous to give you a raspberry flavour one!

To my extreme horror and shock, the so-called raspberry smell didn't smell pleasant at all! It actually smelt funny to me, and I didn't appreciate having to smell something like that. I nearly pulled my mask off, but the nurse stopped me. I panicked at the weird smell of the anaesthesia, so I took in deep, quick short breaths. Before I knew it, I knocked out shortly afterwards.

Come to think of it, I think I panicked because my body realised I was about to fall unconscious.

The next thing I knew, I woke up in the ICU because apparently, I was in a coma. The doctors and nurses couldn't wake me up after the operation was completed.

In my humble opinion, I think I couldn't come to because I took in too much anaesthesia at the start. I secretly blame Dr. Lim for that. Haha.

And this is my story of my very first surgery.

Cheers to all!

Labels: lymphoma and me, medical procedures

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This ad has been aired frequently on the Mediacorp channels. The one we see on TV isn't the full version. This video helped me to understand the whole idea of the ad better.

It's sad, really. I have to say, I love the song used for the ad though. It somehow gives me the picture of me in old age, sitting on a rocking chair and listening to this particular song on a gramophone. That's me, I don't know about you. My mother agrees with me, apparently.

Cheers!

Labels: general, life lessons, musings

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I cried badly the first time I watched this ad on TV. Just wanted to share this with my readers.

Cheers!

Labels: general, life lessons

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Hello readers! Hope all is well for you and the people around you. (:

For the majority of you who have been asking me, "Are you okay?" - I'm doing alright. Same old same old, really!

But honestly, you can't expect me to answer, "No, I'm not okay. I'm in the depths of despair."

I'm going to get criticised as mean and ungrateful, but before that happens..

I understand that people ask me that to show that they care for me. They're concerned about my progress. How I'm coping up chemotherapy and being isolated from the outside world.

Which is why I'm ever so grateful to the person that founded the Internet. A genius, indeed.

I could have been completely isolated from the world, but I'm not! Thanks to the Internet!

I'm starting to sound very obnoxious. Apologies, readers.

My motivation to study for SPM and do fairly well in it is definitely not constant. One moment it's there, and the next, poof! Vanishes into thin air. I sense danger if this continues to go on.

Have you ever experienced the feeling of knowing you are capable of achieving something, but due to little effort and drive, you end up failing instead?

I feel it all the time. Especially now.

If I want to, I can score 10 A+'s for SPM 2010 for all I care. In fact, anybody is capable of doing so! I believe all of us are smart and clever. Nobody is stupid. It's only up to us if we want to efficiently put our brains to work.

It's very easy for me to type this down.

But why is it so hard for me to execute what I say?

Sigh. I really want to do well. I know I'm capable of doing well.

Why can't I just get started?

Motivate me, dear readers. Please, and my sincerest thank yous.

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Shin.1966 - 2009. "She lives forever in the hearts of those who knew her, and know of her."
I watched a documentary about her battle against cancer on Mediacorp's Channel 8 in 2008, back when I was still fifteen. I was really touched by her strong will and constant optimism despite her condition.

I found her blog and sent her an e-mail, expressing how wowed I am by her. All I wanted then was to tell her to keep up the good fight, and she was doing at good job at it; I learnt a lot about life in that one night through her documentary and blog entries than in my fifteen years of living life - complaining and whining when I was actually one lucky brat. I honestly didn't expect her to reply.

Guess what? She did.

I would like to share her reply to me with all of my readers. It also works as a reminder to me that I should keep up the good fight as well. I hope she doesn't mind, but I personally don't think she will; bless her good soul.

11th November 2008.

Leonie,

Thanks for your kind e-mail. It's taken me a while to respond because I only just saw it. I look at my Gmail account once every week or so. This Yahoo account is more reliable if you want to contact me.

I truly appreciate your words of praise and encouragement.

You say that you're a 15-year-old Malaysian student and that you're not good with words? You should know that your short note was more articulate, well-written, and intelligently expressed than most of the comments I've been getting - many of them, adult professionals.

I don't know what you plan on doing with your future, but with your gift of expression, I think you've got a bright future ahead of you, professionally. And more important, you seem to have a maturity and insight beyond your age. I'm betting that you go on do something great with your life - not in terms of money or fame, but something that will make a difference to the people and the community around you.

Thanks, and good luck to you.

Shin

*** Shin had really good foresight. Even if I personally don't think so, I guess my friends, acquaintances, and strangers who have got to know of my cancer journey will agree that I did manage to 'make a difference to the people and the community around me.'

Rest in peace, Shin. My only regret then was that I didn't get to reply your e-mail in time. Cancer took you away not long after, and this will always bug my conscience for being such a procrastinator.

But you have enlightened me in so many ways, and you continue to live in my heart as my inspiration to keep up the good fight.

Keep up the good fight. That should work well as a personal motto.

To my readers who want to know more of this amazing person, do visit her blog at http://shinscancerblog.blogspot.com and watch the documentary I watched by clicking on this link.

Thank you Shin. Thank you for making such a difference to my life.

©Photo of Shin belongs to her family members.

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I had enough.

To those of you who continuously ask me whether I'm okay or not, and seem to not believe me when I say I'm okay when I really mean it - here's some good news for you.

I'm not okay. Not at all. Not one bit.

Impatience and unbalanced hormones are both making my life miserable since radiotherapy ended.

Complete recovery from lymphoma seems unachievable.

Yes yes, call me a pessimist all you want. You think it's that simple?

You try having cancer when you're a teen who is stepping into adulthood, just wanting to have the time of your life with your family and friends.

Instead, you're isolated from civilisation and society itself. Why? The lack of white blood cells and your immune system being weaker than before. Your body cannot cope with the everyday germ, bacteria, or virus. Being infected can cause the cancer cells to massively spread to the rest of your body, namely your important internal organs. You can die just because of what is thought of as a minor flu among you normal and healthy people.

Hello! I didn't ask for cancer to happen to me. Especially not at this point of life when I'm turning 18 this year, and I was diagnosed in July last year! Just a few months more, and it would have been a year since lymphoma turned up unnecessarily in my life.

I tried to stay positive. I tried to be happy. I put a smile on my face whenever possible, I write cheerier entries on my blog, I avoid going online when I feel depressed and frustrated because I don't want to spread my unhappiness to others. I don't want to worry the people who care for me. I don't want them to feel sad or useless because they can't help lessen my pain. They can't help my cancer to just vanish into thin air and make me healthy again.

I'm sick and tired of all this waiting.

I have to wait for another agonising three months before I can go for another PET scan. I will only find out whether radiotherapy has worked its wonderful magic on me and make me cancer-free in three months' time.

Honestly, who doesn't hope for a complete recovery then?

But seriously, I no longer have high hopes for my next scan.

I had expected a complete recovery after six sessions of chemotherapy last year when I went for my first PET scan in December. Why? My doctor told me so. He said I have a high chance of complete recovery since throughout the last six months, my progress has been astoundingly great!

I made plans. Plans to finally spend time with my friends from school. Plans to go up to KL to meet up with two great people I have known online. Plans to find a job and lessen the burden of my parents who have been spending so much on my treatment. Plans to learn driving and be more independent. Plans to be a better daughter, plans to be a more responsible person.

All shattered in a matter of seconds, when the radiotherapist told me the tumour is still there, and I need to undergo further treatment.

The only good news? The tumour is smaller than before.

Fine, that's great. But to me, it's nearly like a "So what?" moment. I still have cancer. That tumour is still haunting me everyday.

I don't want to harbour high hopes on anything anymore, if it's going to result in broken dreams and a broken-hearted me.

Cancer has caused me to have this large gap between my friends in school and me. I feel like I missed out on countless conversations and fun times. I feel left out and forgotten.

Friends and friendships mean a lot to me. I'm a person who treasure friendships a lot.

No matter how much my mum tells me that friends, no matter how close they are to you now, will never stay your friends for life - I still hope that my friends can stay as friends. I hate arguments and misunderstandings between my friends and me. It really hurts me when something bad happens. Something that can cause the loss of a friend. It doesn't matter who is in the fault - whenever things go wrong, it just sucks.

I can cry on and off throughout the day, everyday. Till the problem is actually solved. To me, the possibility of losing a friend, or having a friend betray your trust - the pain is even more than falling out of love or having to deal with a breakup. I don't get romantic love at all, I'm more of a friendship love kind of girl.

I understand how all of them are busy with their own lives, with their own set of problems to solve. I understand. I really do.

It upsets me time and time again that when my friends are having problems, I can't be there for them. I cannot offer them a shoulder to cry or lean on. I cannot offer them a listening ear. I cannot give them a hug and let them know that I'll be there for them. It's just different communicating online and talking face to face.

I really feel like I'm just a fragment of my friends' past. A part of their memory. Someone who came into their lives, and is now a has been. I feel that cancer has robbed me of precious time to be spent with my friends.

I used to think that between family and friends, I'll choose my friends first. That's how much I treasure my friends. How much I love them. What I'm willing to do for them just to make them feel better, or to keep the friendship going.

It disappoints me, that friendships nowadays are so brittle and fragile. Some people are so selfish, they don't even consider your feelings. They'll do anything they can to achieve their personal goals, and hurting people along the way just doesn't matter, as long as they get what they want in the end.

I try not to rely on my friends too much, but I just can't. I trust them so much, love them so much. But what do I get in the end from some of my friends that were once so dear to me?

Hurt, betrayal, sadness, disappointment. Lovely presents, really. Just lovely.

Some of my friends that I can really trust and have no need to compete with them for anything are just so far away. I just wish I can fly off to another country and just spend time with them, pour my heart out, get some proper and mature advice and opinions.

Love yourself before loving others.

Guess what? I don't know how to.

I avoid going on Facebook, because going on Facebook can actually get me depressed. Why? I see photos of friends having a blast with other friends. Having a blast with college life. Having a blast working. Having a blast going out there and exploring the world.

Well, that could have been me.

I'm wasting my youth and the remaining years of me being a teenager - locked up at home, seeing the same things everyday. There's nothing new, there's nothing fresh, there's nothing exciting. My social skills are now nil, and I now stutter and cannot speak as fluently as I used to. I'm embarrassed of talking to people on the phone. I'm embarrassed to talk to people other than my immediate family members. I feel useless, I feel like I'm now disabled.

Compared to everyone and anyone of you that knows me, I feel inferior to all of you.

I don't want to be pitied by others. I don't want others to shed tears over my predicament.

And especially, I don't want to be famous and well-known because of me being a 17 year old going on 18 having cancer. No, please, enough of that.


I'm mentally, emotionally and physically tired.

I'm not as strong as all of you think. I have those moments when I feel totally useless, weak and hopeless.

Don't be mistaken. I'm not giving up on anything. I'm not giving up on myself, nor the hopes of recovering.

I'm just going through a tough time, emotionally and mentally.

I'm just..not okay.

P.S.: I'll respond to comments, Facebook posts, Formspring questions and Cbox messages when I feel better about myself. I'm sorry. I need time, and time isn't on my side.

Cheers.

Labels: lymphoma and me, medical procedures, musings

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Hello again readers.

I realised my previous entry was a very emotional one. Well, I guess that's the result of too much pent-up emotions.

Also, I realised the need to write a new entry, a more cheery one at that, to avoid some of my loved ones who read this blog getting too upset and/or worried for me.

So, I started radiotherapy on the 20th this month, and I had nine fractions done so far. The radiotherapists are a nice lot of people. One's a constant joker, one's a knowledgeable man, and one who treats me like her little sister.

I often see the same faces during the weekdays, since once a patient starts undergoing radiotherapy, he or she has to continue the treatment all the way until all fractions are completed. You can't stop halfway, or miss even one fraction. Maybe there are special circumstances to the aforementioned sentence, but normally, it brings dire consequences if one's radiotherapy regime is not strictly followed.

Lymphoma is still not a very commonly known cancer. Point is definitely proven, because even I have not heard of such a cancer till I myself was diagnosed with it. Most of the patients I have met were diagnosed with cancers such as cervical cancer, nose cancer, and breast cancer - the more common types of cancer affecting humans. And honestly, even though we have different types of cancer, only we can understand the side effects we have to face from chemotherapy and/or radiotherapy.

From that, I would like to quote a fellow blogger, Ming Wei, who was also diagnosed with lymphoma earlier in the year.

I'm just directly translating, but it sounds something like this.

"You're not a fish.
So how do you know whether the fish is happy or sad?"
It sounds more poetic in Chinese, really. But it cannot be any truer than that. In simpler terms,


No offense, readers. I am aware that my family and friends are trying their very best to understand my condition - whether physically or emotionally.

But no matter what, healthy and normal people can never fully and thoroughly understand what we have to endure through treatment, and life after cancer.

Only fellow cancer patients can truly understand how uncomfortable chemotherapy is.

To have a needle pricked into your veins and have very toxic medicinal fluids enter your body.
To go under the knife to have this inserted into your body for those having to endure several sessions of chemotherapy.
To go through hair loss, which harbours great emotional burden to many - especially women.

There are, of course, a lot more side effects from treatment, but I'm sure you can do your own research and homework. What's more, a lot of the side effects are general knowledge.

From radiotherapy, the skin where the rays are directed may be damaged. When I say damaged, just think of you and your worst case of sunburns. Yeah, just like that.

And wherever the rays are directed at (obviously it's where the tumour is in the body), more side effects tend to turn up.

Let's say one who has nose cancer undergoes radiotherapy, he or she tends to suffer from a runny/blocked nose, severe headaches and dizzy spells. This is because the rays tend to affect the area where the tumour is and the surroundings areas.

One who has cervical cancer, might suffer from a very bad case of diarrhea, abdominal pains, and stomach discomfort.

As for me, some of the rays will partially hit one of my main blood vessels (the superior vena cava) and my throat (the oesophagus), so I have been warned by my doctor that I will have a weak heart and in due time, continuous coughing, sore throats, and difficulty in swallowing food.

Some of the patients have to undergo both chemotherapy and radiotherapy at the same time. I'm considered lucky in that sense. The side effects from chemotherapy are bad enough, and having the side effects from radiotherapy to deal with as well - not a very ideal combination at all.

What I have mentioned are nothing but the facts. I may not be a certified doctor in this field, but I do not share untruths and rumours that are not proven scientifically with my readers. There are enough assumptions out there, and truthfully, I'm sick of each and every one of those assumptions. Instead, sharing the facts to anyone who reads my blog is a good start in erasing those assumptions one by one and having more people understand cancer and how it affects people and their everyday lives.

Not a very cheery entry, but at least it's not emotional and angsty. (:

Cheers.

Labels: lymphoma and me, medical procedures, musings, real life stories

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And I don't see the end yet. Not at all.

Hello reader(s). It's been some time since I last blogged. I miss blogging, honestly.

For me, SPM ended about one week ago. The 9th of December 2010 was the day when some of my peers who took their last papers screamed for joy and celebrated their freedom. The day which marked the end of high school for us.

That day was one of my most miserable moments in life. I cried right after the invigilator left the counselling room where I was isolated from the rest throughout SPM. I did badly for Accounts Paper 2, and ended up writing some nonsense just to fill in the answer sheets.

In the room, I can hear laughter and shrieks of happiness.

Through the window, I can see my friends and classmates jumping around, taking photos and videos. They're hugging each other too.

Everyone was just happy that their last paper was over.

Except for me.

I never felt so left out before.

I can't hug my friends, because I'm susceptible to infections and contagious illnesses. And I don't think most of my friends even remembered that I was there, in the counselling room, amidst their joy and laughter.

I felt..forgotten.

Being away from school for half a year is not as awesome as most of my peers think. I can't see my friends, I can't keep up with my studies. People seem to think that I have a lot of time to study and do revision in the comforts of my own home.

Wrong. I spend most of the time recuperating from the side effects of chemotherapy. I hardly have the energy to study the first few months of me receiving treatment. And, I also happen to spend most of my time in the hospital and in Malacca. Stop making assumptions if you don't have the facts.

It's as if I'm slowly fading from everyone's memories.

It's as if..I don't exist in their lives anymore.

It's just painful for me to have these kind of thoughts haunting my head, whether they're true or not.

My mum never fails to remind me that there is no such thing as 'friends forever'. I believe in that too, since most of the friendships I'd been in just don't work out in the end. It's undeniable that generally, everybody is selfish. Everybody wants the good things for their ownselves. Not everybody likes to share.

My mum also never fails to tell me that I'm too soft. It's true. I treasure my friends a lot. They mean so much to me. Betraying their secrets that they trusted me with or bitching about them is the last thing that I'll do. I do my best to help them out if they have any problems. I'm their shoulder for them to lean on. I'm the listener among my friends. I don't know how to say no to my friends' requests or favours.

It's only now, when I have cancer, I know who my real friends are.

People who I thought that could care less about me, continuously offered me the encouragement and support I need.

There are friends that stuck by me all the way, and still are.

Then there are the bad apples. I'm not in the mood to elaborate now.

I have many dissatisfactions to blog about. But I guess I'll just have to save them for later.

To summarise, I'm not cancer-free yet. The tumour inside of me is still active, but it is now smaller than before. It is now measuring at 6cm. I'll be undergoing radiotherapy in Johor Bahru, and most probably I have to deal with 20 to 25 fractions. That means I'll have to undergo radiotherapy for at least 20 to 25 days. Maybe more, maybe less. A month after treatment, and I'll go for another PET scan. If the results are still negative, I'll have to undergo a bone marrow transplant. You did not read that wrongly.

My life is in constant danger everyday. Waking up to a new day knowing that I'm still alive is a miracle.

So a friendly note to my peers who complain they are super bored with life after SPM, be grateful you don't have my so-called exciting life. If you're really that bored, go help out with the house chores, get a job, hang out with friends, spend time with your family, or indulge in your hobbies. I can't believe you guys can actually be bored when there is so much you guys can do, that I can't.

Cheers.

Labels: i'm grateful and blessed for.., life lessons, lymphoma and me, medical procedures, musings

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Chiara, Nicole, Flora, Erica and Carinn, thank you so much for the handmade card. I appreciate the effort you guys put in to do this for me. I'm really touched by the gesture. Even my parents are, too. (:

Hopefully, once I get the green light from my doctor, I'll be free to hang out with all of you after SPM is done. ;)

Labels: i'm grateful and blessed for.., lymphoma and me

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In exactly another week's time, I shall be sitting for SPM.

To be honest, I'm feel honestly unprepared. I don't even feel confident in scoring for English, which I think is my best subject.

Every night has been filled with nightmares revolving around SPM. I don't know which is stressing me out more - the nightmares or SPM itself.

There isn't one day when I wouldn't find myself in tears because I can't solve some random sum or the fact that I'm worried that I'll blank out during SPM.

Readers, I'm not usually the kind of person who freaks out before sitting for an exam. Any exam, in fact.

I don't know why I have so many doubts about myself this time. I really don't.

My parents only expect me to pass all my subjects. I lost count the number of times they told me to just do my best, not stress myself out and not to worry about anything regarding me furthering my studies.

But I can't help it.

I badly want to do well to make my parents proud of me. I want to prove that a cancer patient like myself is still capable of achieving something. Even if I'm sick, it doesn't mean that I'm not capable of doing well.

It's tough, I have to admit. I missed out on the last few chapters of every subject in school and in tuition classes. I lack the practice and revision, as most of my time was spent recuperating and dealing with the side effects of chemotherapy.

Self-studying isn't so bad. But if there is something I don't understand or can't solve, I have nobody to turn to. I don't want to burden my peers and friends who are busy with their lives coping with schoolwork and tight schedules.

I'm fortunate to have a good friend, Gurpreet who helps me out here and there with my studies occasioanally. But I can't expect her to be there for me all the time with my rants and problems. I don't want to trouble her too much either.

And then, there are some people who are conveniently inconsiderate and happen to be very tactless as well. They ask me about my preparations for SPM, and I first thought they were nice to show concern on my studies despite my condition.

How wrong. I'm just a channel for them to rant about how unprepared they are, and they can go on for ages, I tell you.

And all it takes was me reassuring them that they will certainly do better than me because I have been spending my time at home coping with both cancer and my studies while they have been attending school and tuition classes. The conversation ends almost immediately.

Bah, it's sickening to see people showing their real colours like that to me. I'll just let them live in their own imaginary world where everything goes their way while I stick to my principles in reality.

Meanwhile, my PET scan is rescheduled to the 10th of December - a day after my last paper. The following Monday will be spent to a trip to Malacca. I pray that all goes well.

Cheers.

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I'll be leaving for Malacca again tomorrow. I really hope that Monday will be my last visit to the hospital for chemotherapy. Sure, I'll be making occasional trips there for checkups. But honestly, like how I'd been telling my close friends - I really can't wait to get this cancer shit over and done with.

Five months of my precious final year in high school was and still is being spent self-quarantined at home. I wouldn't call myself a social butterfly, but I enjoy interacting with different people. Going to school and attending tuition classes allow me to do so. Honestly, I'm not the kind of person who enjoys being cooped up at home so much.

Sure, there are the pros and cons. I bonded with my family members a lot since me getting to know I have cancer, especially my mum. Everybody is being very nice and patient with me. No matter how moody, cranky or worried they are, they will immediately put a smile on their faces when it comes to talking to me and reassuring me that I am indeed going to fully recover from lymphoma. I appreciate that a lot. I am truly blessed to have such awesome family members, even if they have their flaws. Hey, we're all perfectly imperfect. Beyond those imperfections, there are that little bit of themselves which makes them uniquely them.

It's already the 30th of October. Starting from November onwards, I am going to take a break from the online world and focus on doing well for SPM. Of course, I'm aiming for straight A's. It's the least I can do to please my parents and make them proud of me. Not forgetting some of my schoolteachers who believe in my abilities to score well in SPM. Still, I have to take my health into consideration. Definitely, I'll do my best in the exams. The results? I'll just have to hope that the examiners who are marking my papers will be in a tremendously good mood and be more lenient with whatever answers I can come up with then.

After the first week of SPM, I'm due for a PET scan. That scan will determine whether I have to go back for more chemotherapy sessions or whether I'm cancer-free or not. Who doesn't hope for the latter?

I sincerely hope that this journey of mine can come to an end really soon. It hasn't been easy, but I'm glad that I'd managed to make it this far.

Cheers!

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I read an article today in The Star newspaper. Here are the excerpts that I particularly want to highlight, but you can read the full article here.

Post-doctoral research scientist with the Cancer Research Initiatives Foundation (Carif) Dr Lim, 34, said she was always saddened to read about cancer patients. The news of their diagnosis is devastating and sounds like a death sentence.

“I want to do something to help them through science,” said Dr Lim, who is from Cheras, Kuala Lumpur.

Her research project is to use vaccines to train immune cells to detect and recognise cancer cells which escape the immune system, and kill them.

“This form of targeted therapy generates a highly specific immune response towards the tumour and is expected to be associated with fewer side effects typically compared to chemotherapy.

“In addition, it can hunt out recurring cancer and is relatively cheaper compared with other targeted cancer treatment methods,” she explained.

Dr Lim’s role model is Nobel Laureate Marie Curie and she dreams of having a research life like Curie, who excelled during an era of male dominance. Curie discovered the theory of radioactivity and under her direction, people started to treat cancer using radioactive isotopes.

“Don’t be afraid of failure. Science is not easy and you will encounter multiple challenges but don’t give up!” Dr Lim advises young women scientists.

I'm praying so hard for her success. We all should.

Labels: musings, real life stories

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Being a cancer patient now, especially at this particular age - I honestly regret the past me. Me who did not understand the ups and downs of an individual who has cancer.

I read many newspaper articles over the years about cancer patients and survivors of different ages, telling their stories. I have seen charity shows on television, seeking funds to help the needy. All of them have their problems and difficulties.

As part of an audience, their stories can impact your lives. You can either choose to help them or people in similar situations, or not give a damn at all.

I was one of the people who watch and read their stories. Then, I feel bad because I'm not able to do much to help them. Next, I'll remind myself of one of my personal vows to make sure that I give back to society - financially when I have a stable income, physically and emotionally as a girl who has been blessed enough compared to how life has treated them. Finally, I'll say a silent prayer, thanking the Creator for my current life. The cycle repeats itself over and over.

So, when cancer hit me, it made me grow up really quickly. I learnt life lessons in a matter of days, months even that might take others nearly a lifetime to learn. Maybe never at all.

As much as people claim to understand my situation or my family's, in the end, it's really up to my own willpower to fight this annoying shit called lymphoma. The support, encouragement, prayers and well-wishes I have been getting all this while from my family, relatives, friends, teachers, tuition teachers, acquaintances and even strangers - they sure make me stronger, and their good intentions remind me of a very solid reason to fight on and get cancer over and done with.

Hey! I'm still seventeen. There are so many things I want to do - things that I'm passionate about, ambitions to achieve, fears to conquer, and of course - to enjoy the simplicity of joy and happiness.

There was a possibility that lymphoma could have taken my life away. There was a possibility that my parents would lose a daughter. My brother, a sister. My buddies, a friend. My teachers, a student. The people who know me, a familiar face. And the list goes on and on.

I took a lot of things for granted before. Funny how you only start to appreciate someone or something only when they are gone.

Knowing me, I put a lot of unnecessary pressure on myself. Hence, as of the 5th of July this year, my new motto in life is to definitely stop and smell the roses. I think all of us should, too.

Sometimes, I wish I could live a simple village life, where materialism hardly exists and activities like catching fish in rivers that are hardly polluted, climbing up trees and simple games are capable of bringing smiles to faces. Where the womenfolk do their household chores together, and hear them chattering away from matters ranging from the day's weather or the neighbour's daughter getting married off to some wealthy man. A place where the hustle and bustle of city life and its complications would not turn most of us into schemers, liars and betrayers.

With the aforementioned statement, I think I would like to experience a homestay programme. And of course, I want to go backpacking and explore outside Malaysia. Open up my eyes more, and see the beauty of simple, everyday matters in lands of rich cultures and traditions, unique and special in their own ways.

I know in everyday blog posts and conversations, I don't sound that deep.

Honestly, thoughts and opinions like these are what my brain processes the most.

I think last-minute studying for SPM is also playing a part in why I'm blogging about matters like these.

Cheers to all!

Labels: i'm grateful and blessed for.., life lessons, lymphoma and me, musings

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Hello readers! I'm in Malacca now as I'm typing this blog entry out.

Tomorrow, I will be going for my fifth chemo session. Two more chemo sessions, inclusive of tomorrow's, and hopefully, I'm done with chemotherapy for good.

I'm praying very hard that the side-effects from tomorrow's chemo won't be too bad. I intend to do some past year papers and revise History. Honestly, I know zilch in that subject. If you wonder how I could score alright for History exams, I rely on pretty accurate tips. Of course, it's always an E for me if the paper is set by the school. Haha!

Cheers to today's date, 10/10/10!

Labels: general, medical procedures

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I had a surgical biopsy scheduled on the 14th of July. It was to determine the type of lymphoma I have.

Pre-surgery procedures were carried out. I had to shower and bathe myself in antiseptic. It smelt awful, I swear. I felt nauseous due to that..indescribable smell.

A nurse had to shave my body hair from waist up. I still remember, that nurse wasn't a local. I had problems communicating with her, since she couldn't speak English nor Malay fluently. She couldn't understand Chinese either.

Being a new nurse as well, she misunderstood the instructions given to her and nearly shaved my body hair from waist down as well. I don't need to go into details, you probably can figure this one out yourself.

I had to fast from midnight onwards.

My surgery was set to start at 10AM. An hour before, I had to get myself dressed in a hospital robe. I also had to wear a shower cap. Around 9.30AM, I was wheeled in a wheelchair to the OT (Operating Theatre).

There, I was transferred to a hospital bed. Since I couldn't lie down, because back then my tumour caused me to cough badly if I did so, I was seated up instead. I was wheeled to a section where other patients that were due for their respective surgeries were waiting for their turn.

I soon met my anaesthetist, Dr. Lim. He is a humourous man. He filled me in with the effects of anaesthesia, and the possible side-effects.

After that, was one of my most secretly agonising moments.

I used the word 'secretly' because I didn't want to let it show. The agony of waiting to be wheeled into the theatre, I mean.

At first, I thought that my surgery would start the moment Dr. Lim finished lecturing me and poked another needle into me for an IV drip. I just wanted to get the surgery done and over with. It didn't help that I never went under the knife before. I was extra nervous, even though the rate of success was pretty high. Still, there's always a risk in everything we do.

A nurse there switched the heater on for me. I had to admit, it was cold there. I personally dislike feeling cold. Thankfully, I'm living in Malaysia. Crazy weather we have here, but certainly suits me well indeed.

Half an hour later, the surgeon in charge of my operation still hadn't arrived yet. I felt annoyed. It was bad enough that I was scared due to the thought of being operated on, it didn't help at all witnessing other patients being wheeled to the operating room.

The other patients were all lying down, looking very solemn. I noticed I got some stares from some of these patients as it was obvious that I was the youngest there. The stares didn't last for long though. All of us there were nervous for our respective surgeries.

I was lucky that a senior nurse approached me, and started a conversation with me. She asked me about my condition, my age, where I was from, and even about my studies. She also talked to me about my ambitions and what I wanted to do in the future after I'd graduated from secondary school. She kept me fairly distracted from me thinking about the operation too much.

The other nurses there were quite shocked to see me talking animatedly with Sister Tan. They were already used to the sombre mood of the place. Some of them came up to me, as they were curious to know more about this teenager who didn't look nervous and frightened at all! Honestly, I was still nervous. I just didn't want to let it show too much.

I even got the opportunity to see the nurses and different surgeons rushing here and there, preparing themselves for the patients' operations. At other times, it was just them sitting around, having random conversations to pass time before the next patient comes by.

Finally, two hours after my surgery was scheduled to begin, Dr. Lee arrived. I was wheeled into the theatre, and I started to pray really hard.

In the theatre, it was a very bright and white place. Unlike those you see in serial dramas and movies, the contrast of the atmosphere couldn't be missed.

A nurse helped me to put on a mask, and here comes the funny part.

Below is the conversation I had with Dr. Lim.

L - Leonie, D - Dr. Lim.

D: Okay, this is oxygen you're breathing in now. Just to let you know.
L: Alright!
D: I'm going to start putting in the anaesthesia now. Don't worry! In a few seconds, you're going to smell a nice, berry-like smell. I'm generous to give you a raspberry flavour one!

To my extreme horror and shock, the so-called raspberry smell didn't smell pleasant at all! It actually smelt funny to me, and I didn't appreciate having to smell something like that. I nearly pulled my mask off, but the nurse stopped me. I panicked at the weird smell of the anaesthesia, so I took in deep, quick short breaths. Before I knew it, I knocked out shortly afterwards.

Come to think of it, I think I panicked because my body realised I was about to fall unconscious.

The next thing I knew, I woke up in the ICU because apparently, I was in a coma. The doctors and nurses couldn't wake me up after the operation was completed.

In my humble opinion, I think I couldn't come to because I took in too much anaesthesia at the start. I secretly blame Dr. Lim for that. Haha.

And this is my story of my very first surgery.

Cheers to all!

Labels: lymphoma and me, medical procedures

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This ad has been aired frequently on the Mediacorp channels. The one we see on TV isn't the full version. This video helped me to understand the whole idea of the ad better.

It's sad, really. I have to say, I love the song used for the ad though. It somehow gives me the picture of me in old age, sitting on a rocking chair and listening to this particular song on a gramophone. That's me, I don't know about you. My mother agrees with me, apparently.

Cheers!

Labels: general, life lessons, musings

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I cried badly the first time I watched this ad on TV. Just wanted to share this with my readers.

Cheers!

Labels: general, life lessons

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Hello readers! Hope all is well for you and the people around you. (:

For the majority of you who have been asking me, "Are you okay?" - I'm doing alright. Same old same old, really!

But honestly, you can't expect me to answer, "No, I'm not okay. I'm in the depths of despair."

I'm going to get criticised as mean and ungrateful, but before that happens..

I understand that people ask me that to show that they care for me. They're concerned about my progress. How I'm coping up chemotherapy and being isolated from the outside world.

Which is why I'm ever so grateful to the person that founded the Internet. A genius, indeed.

I could have been completely isolated from the world, but I'm not! Thanks to the Internet!

I'm starting to sound very obnoxious. Apologies, readers.

My motivation to study for SPM and do fairly well in it is definitely not constant. One moment it's there, and the next, poof! Vanishes into thin air. I sense danger if this continues to go on.

Have you ever experienced the feeling of knowing you are capable of achieving something, but due to little effort and drive, you end up failing instead?

I feel it all the time. Especially now.

If I want to, I can score 10 A+'s for SPM 2010 for all I care. In fact, anybody is capable of doing so! I believe all of us are smart and clever. Nobody is stupid. It's only up to us if we want to efficiently put our brains to work.

It's very easy for me to type this down.

But why is it so hard for me to execute what I say?

Sigh. I really want to do well. I know I'm capable of doing well.

Why can't I just get started?

Motivate me, dear readers. Please, and my sincerest thank yous.

Labels: general, musings

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