Tuesday, 31 January 2012
Tuesday, 31 January 2012
A Different Kind of New Year.
Hello dear readers!
It's already going to be February very soon. Tomorrow, to be exact.
I'm going to make this a quick one, but it's definitely going to be slightly more detailed than my previous entry.
Recently, I have been going for radiotherapy sessions (again). The usual staff are still there, and they still remember me. Of course, no one is happy that I have to go for more fractions. It does make things easier for me; the familiar surroundings, En. Owl the joker and Kak N the sisterly figure (real names shall not be revealed here, since they are medical staff) and knowing the procedures without feeling all awkward.
I'm not let off from the side effects, though.
Since my PET scan results from last December showed that I still have this one tumour (whether it's a relapse of my cancer or my transplant unfortunately did not work out as well as everyone thought, it remains unknown. Still, I strongly believe it's the former. There are the results from various blood tests to support my opinion, even if I'm not a certified doctor or MO of any kind) at my left kidney, I was advised to go for radiotherapy once more.
According to my doctor in KL, chemotherapy won't work for me anymore; I was administered the strongest dosage prior to my stem cell transplant, and the cancer cells in my body showed resistance, apparently. Also, there's no point in damaging my healthy cells with more chemotherapy, since it isn't going to work.
So, it's daily trips to the hospital again.
All this at the expense of something - I'll lose the function of my left kidney.
The kidney is quite a fragile organ, it seems. It cannot receive more than a certain amount of radiation, or else it faces major damage.
In my case, it's either sacrificing one kidney, or sacrificing my life.
With the choices given, it's not that hard to decide, really.
I'm getting tired. Tired of all the treatments, tired of burdening my loved ones, tired of worrying the people who care for me. It hurts to see their worn-out faces too.
Will it be too much to ask for cancer to go away already and for me to get through this ordeal?
With the experience I've gained from fighting cancer, I certainly could do inspiring more people with my story. Or helping those in need now. I'm not too used being the one who needs help, to be honest. It kind of makes me feel extremely vulnerable, somehow. And I certainly don't like feeling that way.
Oh, and I don't need anybody to tell me that it's the journey that matters, and not the destination.
You guys have no idea how aware I am of that.
Till another longer post, I hope!
Happy Chinese New Year to all who celebrates it! (Technically, it lasts for 15 days, so I'm not late!)
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