Saturday, 18 December 2010
Saturday, 18 December 2010
it's a long road ahead.
And I don't see the end yet. Not at all.
Hello reader(s). It's been some time since I last blogged. I miss blogging, honestly.
For me, SPM ended about one week ago. The 9th of December 2010 was the day when some of my peers who took their last papers screamed for joy and celebrated their freedom. The day which marked the end of high school for us.
That day was one of my most miserable moments in life. I cried right after the invigilator left the counselling room where I was isolated from the rest throughout SPM. I did badly for Accounts Paper 2, and ended up writing some nonsense just to fill in the answer sheets.
In the room, I can hear laughter and shrieks of happiness.
Through the window, I can see my friends and classmates jumping around, taking photos and videos. They're hugging each other too.
Everyone was just happy that their last paper was over.
Except for me.
I never felt so left out before.
I can't hug my friends, because I'm susceptible to infections and contagious illnesses. And I don't think most of my friends even remembered that I was there, in the counselling room, amidst their joy and laughter.
Being away from school for half a year is not as awesome as most of my peers think. I can't see my friends, I can't keep up with my studies. People seem to think that I have a lot of time to study and do revision in the comforts of my own home.
Wrong. I spend most of the time recuperating from the side effects of chemotherapy. I hardly have the energy to study the first few months of me receiving treatment. And, I also happen to spend most of my time in the hospital and in Malacca. Stop making assumptions if you don't have the facts.
It's as if I'm slowly fading from everyone's memories.
It's as if..I don't exist in their lives anymore.
It's just painful for me to have these kind of thoughts haunting my head, whether they're true or not.
My mum never fails to remind me that there is no such thing as 'friends forever'. I believe in that too, since most of the friendships I'd been in just don't work out in the end. It's undeniable that generally, everybody is selfish. Everybody wants the good things for their ownselves. Not everybody likes to share.
My mum also never fails to tell me that I'm too soft. It's true. I treasure my friends a lot. They mean so much to me. Betraying their secrets that they trusted me with or bitching about them is the last thing that I'll do. I do my best to help them out if they have any problems. I'm their shoulder for them to lean on. I'm the listener among my friends. I don't know how to say no to my friends' requests or favours.
It's only now, when I have cancer, I know who my real friends are.
People who I thought that could care less about me, continuously offered me the encouragement and support I need.
There are friends that stuck by me all the way, and still are.
Then there are the bad apples. I'm not in the mood to elaborate now.
I have many dissatisfactions to blog about. But I guess I'll just have to save them for later.
To summarise, I'm not cancer-free yet. The tumour inside of me is still active, but it is now smaller than before. It is now measuring at 6cm. I'll be undergoing radiotherapy in Johor Bahru, and most probably I have to deal with 20 to 25 fractions. That means I'll have to undergo radiotherapy for at least 20 to 25 days. Maybe more, maybe less. A month after treatment, and I'll go for another PET scan. If the results are still negative, I'll have to undergo a bone marrow transplant. You did not read that wrongly.
My life is in constant danger everyday. Waking up to a new day knowing that I'm still alive is a miracle.
So a friendly note to my peers who complain they are super bored with life after SPM, be grateful you don't have my so-called exciting life. If you're really that bored, go help out with the house chores, get a job, hang out with friends, spend time with your family, or indulge in your hobbies. I can't believe you guys can actually be bored when there is so much you guys can do, that I can't.
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