Tuesday, 16 November 2010
Tuesday, 16 November 2010
The Fear - Lily Allen.
In exactly another week's time, I shall be sitting for SPM.
To be honest, I'm feel honestly unprepared. I don't even feel confident in scoring for English, which I think is my best subject.
Every night has been filled with nightmares revolving around SPM. I don't know which is stressing me out more - the nightmares or SPM itself.
There isn't one day when I wouldn't find myself in tears because I can't solve some random sum or the fact that I'm worried that I'll blank out during SPM.
Readers, I'm not usually the kind of person who freaks out before sitting for an exam. Any exam, in fact.
I don't know why I have so many doubts about myself this time. I really don't.
My parents only expect me to pass all my subjects. I lost count the number of times they told me to just do my best, not stress myself out and not to worry about anything regarding me furthering my studies.
But I can't help it.
I badly want to do well to make my parents proud of me. I want to prove that a cancer patient like myself is still capable of achieving something. Even if I'm sick, it doesn't mean that I'm not capable of doing well.
It's tough, I have to admit. I missed out on the last few chapters of every subject in school and in tuition classes. I lack the practice and revision, as most of my time was spent recuperating and dealing with the side effects of chemotherapy.
Self-studying isn't so bad. But if there is something I don't understand or can't solve, I have nobody to turn to. I don't want to burden my peers and friends who are busy with their lives coping with schoolwork and tight schedules.
I'm fortunate to have a good friend, Gurpreet who helps me out here and there with my studies occasioanally. But I can't expect her to be there for me all the time with my rants and problems. I don't want to trouble her too much either.
And then, there are some people who are conveniently inconsiderate and happen to be very tactless as well. They ask me about my preparations for SPM, and I first thought they were nice to show concern on my studies despite my condition.
How wrong. I'm just a channel for them to rant about how unprepared they are, and they can go on for ages, I tell you.
And all it takes was me reassuring them that they will certainly do better than me because I have been spending my time at home coping with both cancer and my studies while they have been attending school and tuition classes. The conversation ends almost immediately.
Bah, it's sickening to see people showing their real colours like that to me. I'll just let them live in their own imaginary world where everything goes their way while I stick to my principles in reality.
Meanwhile, my PET scan is rescheduled to the 10th of December - a day after my last paper. The following Monday will be spent to a trip to Malacca. I pray that all goes well.
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