I was officially diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin's Mediastinal Large B-cell Lymphoma in July 2010. I was seventeen. I was in Form 5; my last year of secondary school, preparing to sit for the SPM examinations.

I would consider myself an average teenager - a girl who just wanted to have fun, with her quirks; trying to survive life as a teen.

It all started with me coughing non-stop after a bout of the common flu. Despite making several trips to my family doctor's clinic, the cough just won't seem to go away even after months of being under medication. Several prescriptions of cough drops later, my family doctor suggested to my parents and I to have a chest X-ray done for me.

A large tumour was discovered; situated in between my lungs, right in front of my heart. The tumour was pressing against my trachea, causing me to have slight breathing difficulties and all that coughing.

I stopped going to school almost immediately. My parents and I went on this journey to seek advice from specialists regarding my condition.

Next, I had a needle biopsy done which confirmed that the tumour consisted of active cancer cells. I had to go for a surgical biopsy to classify what kind of cells were they, so the proper treatment could be administered right away.

The cancer had then spread to my pancreas, kidneys and liver.

Afterwards, I went through six cycles of chemotherapy(R-CHOP) and self-studied for the rest of the year. I was lucky that I was fit enough to sit for my SPM examinations at the end of the year right after my last chemotherapy session scheduled for me was completed. Or else, I wouldn't be able to successfully graduate from secondary school. I had a lot of people telling me to just skip the examinations and relax for a bit, but my stubbornness got the better of me. I was determined enough then and thankfully, I did alright. At least I could fully focus on getting myself treated without worrying that I did not complete even my most basic education in Malaysia.

At the end of 2010, I went for a PET scan. My tumour did shrink, but it was still there.

When 2011 came, I went for radiotherapy this time. I had 25 fractions done.

I thought I was on the road to recovery at long last, but unfortunately…no.

A few days before my scheduled PET scan, I felt extreme soreness at the right side of my abdomen. It made me lose sleep at night, and my coughing fit was back. The oncologist in charge of my treatment for radiotherapy felt something near my right kidney. I went for a PET scan the very next day, and found out that my cancer had spread again. New tumours surrounded both my kidneys once more and my lower spine. Radiotherapy was crossed out from the possible ways of treatment, since the radiation will damage my kidneys, affecting their function tremendously.

I had three more cycles of chemotherapy(R-ICE) done. This proved effective for awhile, but after every session - the cancer would get aggressive and we went back to square one. Finally, it was decided that I was to undergo an autologous stem cell transplant. I had my stem cells harvested, and I went through a few days of high-dose chemotherapy before the transplant. I was hospitalised for a month. I had zero immunity, and blood infections which caused high fever haunted me. I made more trips back to the hospital to rid of the infections.

I am currently under quarantine and recuperating from the transplant; dealing with the side effects from both the transplant and my radiotherapy sessions - causing breathing problems, dizziness, fatigue, etc. The latter is the cause of a now weak heart.

I went for another 27 fractions of radiotherapy due to a tumour above my left kidney discovered by a PET scan in December 2011. My left kidney has lost its function.

Through another bout of coughing, I was advised to go for a chest X-ray and have an ultrasound done at the abdominal area. It is confirmed that my cancer relapsed for the third time. I am now under a new kind of medication.

***
So much had happened throughout me battling cancer.

Other than the physical challenges I have to go through, I also have to deal with my decreasing level of self-esteem and emotional health.

I do admit, I am a typical girl when it comes to me wanting to look pretty. You may call it vanity, but I say it's just me wanting to look presentable and good.

Imagine, I went bald twice; not once, but twice! Surprisingly, no tears came! (I later realised that it’s the process of waiting for my hair to grow again that’s truly challenging.)

This time, I hope I can truly make a full recovery and do my bit for the community. Also, hopefully my cancer journey as a teenager managed to inspire you and give you a more positive outlook on life. Quite a number of us assume that cancer only affects adults. On the contrary, I am a living example that that mindset is certainly untrue. It's not for me to tell you how to live your life, but you only live once, so treasure your life and your loved ones while you still can. Stop and smell the roses once in awhile, and you'll find that life is so fulfilling with just happiness and good health. A successful career, good grades - definite bonuses and great goals, but with life being so unpredictable; you'll never know what might happen next. Be content with what you already have, count your blessings and live life to the fullest without any regrets.

Believe me, I'm speaking from personal experience.

***
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Hello readers. Sorry for the lack of updates, but I lack inspiration to write. There's so many things I can choose to talk about, but somehow I just don't feel like putting them into words. Not just yet.

To be honest, I have been feeling rather down recently.

I thought it would be easy to stay optimistic and positive. I assumed that my mood was going to be great every single day. I thought what used to be everyday problems seemed minor and insignificant compared to what I'm facing now. Hence, giving me no excuse to be unhappy.

I couldn't be more wrong.

I found out that I have this large tumour inside of me more than two months ago. For two months plus, I have been this happy-go-lucky girl. While I had some friends and strangers who cried over my condition, I didn't. I only cried over the fear of undergoing an operation for the very first time. I just concentrated on getting better. Life is simple, actually. It's people who tend to complicate things.

Recently, certain thoughts creeped into my mind without me noticing or wanting it.

Instead of my previous problems of fretting over my sleep-deprived self, worrying about unfinished school assignments, dragging myself to tuition classes, the school's long hours and the major examination I have to sit for at the end of this year, other problems seemed to have surfaced. Problems that would never have occured before I known I have cancer.

My close friends, classmates and schoolmates are quite convinced I'm able to get back to a very normal life after I'm done with treatment. Unfortunately, as much as I want my normal life back, even though I only found myself complaining about my life a lot before this, it seems quite impossible.

Just to think about having a simple meal with my friends, or anybody else at that, in the future, scares me. While for everyone else, it's difficult to even decide what to order from the menu, for me it's a completely different story. My diet is so strict and limited, I'm going to have to be very fussy about food choices. As much as I hate this fact, my friends might eventually find me a bother to ask out. I'm going to have to be picky about things that seems minor to them. They might start to leave me out from their social activities.

That probably means, I'm may have to face the situation of having no life after I'd fully recover as well. I'm already pretty much stuck at home due to having a non-existent immune system now, I'm afraid of what the future has in store for me.

I don't know, to my readers, this looks like that I'm complaining and whining about something completely illogical and nonsensical.

Basically, I'm scared I can't get my normal life back. I'm afraid that this condition of mine is going to cause permanent damage to my relationships and friendships. I'm already having minimal contact with my friends already, I'm losing out on precious time to spend the last few months of my high school days doing crazy yet memorable things with my classmates and schoolmates. I can't go out with my friends to hang out and chill together.

I already have my parents who are strict about me going out with my friends before this. Now it's that, added with this new condition of mine. Some people are sure not going to adapt to me, and I'm going to lose those friends. Some people are going to find me boring, and it's not worth being friends with me.

Call me paranoid, call me weird. I'm afraid. I'm scared.

And I don't know who can put my thoughts in place.

I need reassurance. Who's going to give me that?

Because if you can, I'll be eternally grateful to you.

If by now, you haven't figured out that I can't live without friends, just forget about this post.

P.S.: I miss my brother who's in KL right now. A lot. Here's a sincere thank you to him, for him calling me and asking about my condition. Not just once, but more than that. He's the only one who's pestering me to update this blog as well. This entry is for him. As depressing as it sounds. Sorry kor. (:

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Shin.1966 - 2009. "She lives forever in the hearts of those who knew her, and know of her."
I watched a documentary about her battle against cancer on Mediacorp's Channel 8 in 2008, back when I was still fifteen. I was really touched by her strong will and constant optimism despite her condition.

I found her blog and sent her an e-mail, expressing how wowed I am by her. All I wanted then was to tell her to keep up the good fight, and she was doing at good job at it; I learnt a lot about life in that one night through her documentary and blog entries than in my fifteen years of living life - complaining and whining when I was actually one lucky brat. I honestly didn't expect her to reply.

Guess what? She did.

I would like to share her reply to me with all of my readers. It also works as a reminder to me that I should keep up the good fight as well. I hope she doesn't mind, but I personally don't think she will; bless her good soul.

11th November 2008.

Leonie,

Thanks for your kind e-mail. It's taken me a while to respond because I only just saw it. I look at my Gmail account once every week or so. This Yahoo account is more reliable if you want to contact me.

I truly appreciate your words of praise and encouragement.

You say that you're a 15-year-old Malaysian student and that you're not good with words? You should know that your short note was more articulate, well-written, and intelligently expressed than most of the comments I've been getting - many of them, adult professionals.

I don't know what you plan on doing with your future, but with your gift of expression, I think you've got a bright future ahead of you, professionally. And more important, you seem to have a maturity and insight beyond your age. I'm betting that you go on do something great with your life - not in terms of money or fame, but something that will make a difference to the people and the community around you.

Thanks, and good luck to you.

Shin

*** Shin had really good foresight. Even if I personally don't think so, I guess my friends, acquaintances, and strangers who have got to know of my cancer journey will agree that I did manage to 'make a difference to the people and the community around me.'

Rest in peace, Shin. My only regret then was that I didn't get to reply your e-mail in time. Cancer took you away not long after, and this will always bug my conscience for being such a procrastinator.

But you have enlightened me in so many ways, and you continue to live in my heart as my inspiration to keep up the good fight.

Keep up the good fight. That should work well as a personal motto.

To my readers who want to know more of this amazing person, do visit her blog at http://shinscancerblog.blogspot.com and watch the documentary I watched by clicking on this link.

Thank you Shin. Thank you for making such a difference to my life.

©Photo of Shin belongs to her family members.

Click hereto go back to reading.

Hello readers. Sorry for the lack of updates, but I lack inspiration to write. There's so many things I can choose to talk about, but somehow I just don't feel like putting them into words. Not just yet.

To be honest, I have been feeling rather down recently.

I thought it would be easy to stay optimistic and positive. I assumed that my mood was going to be great every single day. I thought what used to be everyday problems seemed minor and insignificant compared to what I'm facing now. Hence, giving me no excuse to be unhappy.

I couldn't be more wrong.

I found out that I have this large tumour inside of me more than two months ago. For two months plus, I have been this happy-go-lucky girl. While I had some friends and strangers who cried over my condition, I didn't. I only cried over the fear of undergoing an operation for the very first time. I just concentrated on getting better. Life is simple, actually. It's people who tend to complicate things.

Recently, certain thoughts creeped into my mind without me noticing or wanting it.

Instead of my previous problems of fretting over my sleep-deprived self, worrying about unfinished school assignments, dragging myself to tuition classes, the school's long hours and the major examination I have to sit for at the end of this year, other problems seemed to have surfaced. Problems that would never have occured before I known I have cancer.

My close friends, classmates and schoolmates are quite convinced I'm able to get back to a very normal life after I'm done with treatment. Unfortunately, as much as I want my normal life back, even though I only found myself complaining about my life a lot before this, it seems quite impossible.

Just to think about having a simple meal with my friends, or anybody else at that, in the future, scares me. While for everyone else, it's difficult to even decide what to order from the menu, for me it's a completely different story. My diet is so strict and limited, I'm going to have to be very fussy about food choices. As much as I hate this fact, my friends might eventually find me a bother to ask out. I'm going to have to be picky about things that seems minor to them. They might start to leave me out from their social activities.

That probably means, I'm may have to face the situation of having no life after I'd fully recover as well. I'm already pretty much stuck at home due to having a non-existent immune system now, I'm afraid of what the future has in store for me.

I don't know, to my readers, this looks like that I'm complaining and whining about something completely illogical and nonsensical.

Basically, I'm scared I can't get my normal life back. I'm afraid that this condition of mine is going to cause permanent damage to my relationships and friendships. I'm already having minimal contact with my friends already, I'm losing out on precious time to spend the last few months of my high school days doing crazy yet memorable things with my classmates and schoolmates. I can't go out with my friends to hang out and chill together.

I already have my parents who are strict about me going out with my friends before this. Now it's that, added with this new condition of mine. Some people are sure not going to adapt to me, and I'm going to lose those friends. Some people are going to find me boring, and it's not worth being friends with me.

Call me paranoid, call me weird. I'm afraid. I'm scared.

And I don't know who can put my thoughts in place.

I need reassurance. Who's going to give me that?

Because if you can, I'll be eternally grateful to you.

If by now, you haven't figured out that I can't live without friends, just forget about this post.

P.S.: I miss my brother who's in KL right now. A lot. Here's a sincere thank you to him, for him calling me and asking about my condition. Not just once, but more than that. He's the only one who's pestering me to update this blog as well. This entry is for him. As depressing as it sounds. Sorry kor. (:

Labels: musings

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