Friday, 10 September 2010
Friday, 10 September 2010
flavour of life.
Hello readers. Sorry for the lack of updates, but I lack inspiration to write. There's so many things I can choose to talk about, but somehow I just don't feel like putting them into words. Not just yet.
To be honest, I have been feeling rather down recently.
I thought it would be easy to stay optimistic and positive. I assumed that my mood was going to be great every single day. I thought what used to be everyday problems seemed minor and insignificant compared to what I'm facing now. Hence, giving me no excuse to be unhappy.
I couldn't be more wrong.
I found out that I have this large tumour inside of me more than two months ago. For two months plus, I have been this happy-go-lucky girl. While I had some friends and strangers who cried over my condition, I didn't. I only cried over the fear of undergoing an operation for the very first time. I just concentrated on getting better. Life is simple, actually. It's people who tend to complicate things.
Recently, certain thoughts creeped into my mind without me noticing or wanting it.
Instead of my previous problems of fretting over my sleep-deprived self, worrying about unfinished school assignments, dragging myself to tuition classes, the school's long hours and the major examination I have to sit for at the end of this year, other problems seemed to have surfaced. Problems that would never have occured before I known I have cancer.
My close friends, classmates and schoolmates are quite convinced I'm able to get back to a very normal life after I'm done with treatment. Unfortunately, as much as I want my normal life back, even though I only found myself complaining about my life a lot before this, it seems quite impossible.
Just to think about having a simple meal with my friends, or anybody else at that, in the future, scares me. While for everyone else, it's difficult to even decide what to order from the menu, for me it's a completely different story. My diet is so strict and limited, I'm going to have to be very fussy about food choices. As much as I hate this fact, my friends might eventually find me a bother to ask out. I'm going to have to be picky about things that seems minor to them. They might start to leave me out from their social activities.
That probably means, I'm may have to face the situation of having no life after I'd fully recover as well. I'm already pretty much stuck at home due to having a non-existent immune system now, I'm afraid of what the future has in store for me.
I don't know, to my readers, this looks like that I'm complaining and whining about something completely illogical and nonsensical.
Basically, I'm scared I can't get my normal life back. I'm afraid that this condition of mine is going to cause permanent damage to my relationships and friendships. I'm already having minimal contact with my friends already, I'm losing out on precious time to spend the last few months of my high school days doing crazy yet memorable things with my classmates and schoolmates. I can't go out with my friends to hang out and chill together.
I already have my parents who are strict about me going out with my friends before this. Now it's that, added with this new condition of mine. Some people are sure not going to adapt to me, and I'm going to lose those friends. Some people are going to find me boring, and it's not worth being friends with me.
Call me paranoid, call me weird. I'm afraid. I'm scared.
And I don't know who can put my thoughts in place.
I need reassurance. Who's going to give me that?
Because if you can, I'll be eternally grateful to you.
If by now, you haven't figured out that I can't live without friends, just forget about this post.
P.S.: I miss my brother who's in KL right now. A lot. Here's a sincere thank you to him, for him calling me and asking about my condition. Not just once, but more than that. He's the only one who's pestering me to update this blog as well. This entry is for him. As depressing as it sounds. Sorry kor. (:
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