I was officially diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin's Mediastinal Large B-cell Lymphoma in July 2010. I was seventeen. I was in Form 5; my last year of secondary school, preparing to sit for the SPM examinations.

I would consider myself an average teenager - a girl who just wanted to have fun, with her quirks; trying to survive life as a teen.

It all started with me coughing non-stop after a bout of the common flu. Despite making several trips to my family doctor's clinic, the cough just won't seem to go away even after months of being under medication. Several prescriptions of cough drops later, my family doctor suggested to my parents and I to have a chest X-ray done for me.

A large tumour was discovered; situated in between my lungs, right in front of my heart. The tumour was pressing against my trachea, causing me to have slight breathing difficulties and all that coughing.

I stopped going to school almost immediately. My parents and I went on this journey to seek advice from specialists regarding my condition.

Next, I had a needle biopsy done which confirmed that the tumour consisted of active cancer cells. I had to go for a surgical biopsy to classify what kind of cells were they, so the proper treatment could be administered right away.

The cancer had then spread to my pancreas, kidneys and liver.

Afterwards, I went through six cycles of chemotherapy(R-CHOP) and self-studied for the rest of the year. I was lucky that I was fit enough to sit for my SPM examinations at the end of the year right after my last chemotherapy session scheduled for me was completed. Or else, I wouldn't be able to successfully graduate from secondary school. I had a lot of people telling me to just skip the examinations and relax for a bit, but my stubbornness got the better of me. I was determined enough then and thankfully, I did alright. At least I could fully focus on getting myself treated without worrying that I did not complete even my most basic education in Malaysia.

At the end of 2010, I went for a PET scan. My tumour did shrink, but it was still there.

When 2011 came, I went for radiotherapy this time. I had 25 fractions done.

I thought I was on the road to recovery at long last, but unfortunately…no.

A few days before my scheduled PET scan, I felt extreme soreness at the right side of my abdomen. It made me lose sleep at night, and my coughing fit was back. The oncologist in charge of my treatment for radiotherapy felt something near my right kidney. I went for a PET scan the very next day, and found out that my cancer had spread again. New tumours surrounded both my kidneys once more and my lower spine. Radiotherapy was crossed out from the possible ways of treatment, since the radiation will damage my kidneys, affecting their function tremendously.

I had three more cycles of chemotherapy(R-ICE) done. This proved effective for awhile, but after every session - the cancer would get aggressive and we went back to square one. Finally, it was decided that I was to undergo an autologous stem cell transplant. I had my stem cells harvested, and I went through a few days of high-dose chemotherapy before the transplant. I was hospitalised for a month. I had zero immunity, and blood infections which caused high fever haunted me. I made more trips back to the hospital to rid of the infections.

I am currently under quarantine and recuperating from the transplant; dealing with the side effects from both the transplant and my radiotherapy sessions - causing breathing problems, dizziness, fatigue, etc. The latter is the cause of a now weak heart.

I went for another 27 fractions of radiotherapy due to a tumour above my left kidney discovered by a PET scan in December 2011. My left kidney has lost its function.

Through another bout of coughing, I was advised to go for a chest X-ray and have an ultrasound done at the abdominal area. It is confirmed that my cancer relapsed for the third time. I am now under a new kind of medication.

***
So much had happened throughout me battling cancer.

Other than the physical challenges I have to go through, I also have to deal with my decreasing level of self-esteem and emotional health.

I do admit, I am a typical girl when it comes to me wanting to look pretty. You may call it vanity, but I say it's just me wanting to look presentable and good.

Imagine, I went bald twice; not once, but twice! Surprisingly, no tears came! (I later realised that it’s the process of waiting for my hair to grow again that’s truly challenging.)

This time, I hope I can truly make a full recovery and do my bit for the community. Also, hopefully my cancer journey as a teenager managed to inspire you and give you a more positive outlook on life. Quite a number of us assume that cancer only affects adults. On the contrary, I am a living example that that mindset is certainly untrue. It's not for me to tell you how to live your life, but you only live once, so treasure your life and your loved ones while you still can. Stop and smell the roses once in awhile, and you'll find that life is so fulfilling with just happiness and good health. A successful career, good grades - definite bonuses and great goals, but with life being so unpredictable; you'll never know what might happen next. Be content with what you already have, count your blessings and live life to the fullest without any regrets.

Believe me, I'm speaking from personal experience.

***
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Response has been pretty good so far. Thanks to all who left a tag in my Cbox. (:

Sometimes, I feel unproductive because I feel like I'm wasting a lot of precious time doing nearly nothing at home.

Before, I was just a fifth former in her last year of high school, preparing for her major exams at the end of the year. I attended tuition classes and school. I ranted about the amount of assignments I had, the crazy schedules I had to keep up with, how I never got enough sleep from all the chaos and hecticness.

Being a people-pleaser, I hate disappointing people. That pretty much includes everyone, ranging from my parents, friends, teachers, and even total strangers at times. As a school prefect, I was also afraid of breaking the school rules, and getting into trouble. I never liked trouble. I didn't like the severity and consequences it brings.

I'm also an unfortunate procrastinator. I like putting off my work to the very last minute. Quoting a teacher, I seem to work best under pressure. All the best ideas almost always appear at desperate times when I needed them most.

Hence, since entering secondary school especially, my time management skills are really bad. I would be finding myself rushing out essays, cracking my brains to solve sums, and getting very cranky in attempt to finish reports in the wee hours of the morning. I would go to school the next day, complaining to my classmates about how little sleep I got to complete all these homework.

Many classmates just could not understand why am I so paranoid about homework. Most of them would just complete the homework at their own pace and eventually hand them in to the teachers. Some of them are not even bothered.

I wasn't paranoid about the homework I guess. I just had a fear of getting into trouble.

I know a lot of people who know me think that I have cancer now, at such an early age, is due to the unnecessary pressure and stress I tend to put on myself. Accumulated over the years, it has finally taken a toll on my health. My parents agree, but only slightly. They believe it could be due to genetics as well. I am of the same opinion as my parents.

But ultimately, the reason to why I have lymphoma - that isn't important now.

What's most important is, I get myself treated, rid of the tumour completely, fully recover from my condition, and get back to a much more normal lifestyle. Of course, without the unnecessary stress and pressure. Studies did show excessive pressure and stress can cause the formation of cancerous cells.

The moral of the story is, I hope all you readers realise the importance of stress management. Whenever in doubt, try putting a smile on your face. It'll do you lots of good to have those endorphins, or happy hormones in your body. Besides, it's free.

Cheers!

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Shin.1966 - 2009. "She lives forever in the hearts of those who knew her, and know of her."
I watched a documentary about her battle against cancer on Mediacorp's Channel 8 in 2008, back when I was still fifteen. I was really touched by her strong will and constant optimism despite her condition.

I found her blog and sent her an e-mail, expressing how wowed I am by her. All I wanted then was to tell her to keep up the good fight, and she was doing at good job at it; I learnt a lot about life in that one night through her documentary and blog entries than in my fifteen years of living life - complaining and whining when I was actually one lucky brat. I honestly didn't expect her to reply.

Guess what? She did.

I would like to share her reply to me with all of my readers. It also works as a reminder to me that I should keep up the good fight as well. I hope she doesn't mind, but I personally don't think she will; bless her good soul.

11th November 2008.

Leonie,

Thanks for your kind e-mail. It's taken me a while to respond because I only just saw it. I look at my Gmail account once every week or so. This Yahoo account is more reliable if you want to contact me.

I truly appreciate your words of praise and encouragement.

You say that you're a 15-year-old Malaysian student and that you're not good with words? You should know that your short note was more articulate, well-written, and intelligently expressed than most of the comments I've been getting - many of them, adult professionals.

I don't know what you plan on doing with your future, but with your gift of expression, I think you've got a bright future ahead of you, professionally. And more important, you seem to have a maturity and insight beyond your age. I'm betting that you go on do something great with your life - not in terms of money or fame, but something that will make a difference to the people and the community around you.

Thanks, and good luck to you.

Shin

*** Shin had really good foresight. Even if I personally don't think so, I guess my friends, acquaintances, and strangers who have got to know of my cancer journey will agree that I did manage to 'make a difference to the people and the community around me.'

Rest in peace, Shin. My only regret then was that I didn't get to reply your e-mail in time. Cancer took you away not long after, and this will always bug my conscience for being such a procrastinator.

But you have enlightened me in so many ways, and you continue to live in my heart as my inspiration to keep up the good fight.

Keep up the good fight. That should work well as a personal motto.

To my readers who want to know more of this amazing person, do visit her blog at http://shinscancerblog.blogspot.com and watch the documentary I watched by clicking on this link.

Thank you Shin. Thank you for making such a difference to my life.

©Photo of Shin belongs to her family members.

Click hereto go back to reading.

Response has been pretty good so far. Thanks to all who left a tag in my Cbox. (:

Sometimes, I feel unproductive because I feel like I'm wasting a lot of precious time doing nearly nothing at home.

Before, I was just a fifth former in her last year of high school, preparing for her major exams at the end of the year. I attended tuition classes and school. I ranted about the amount of assignments I had, the crazy schedules I had to keep up with, how I never got enough sleep from all the chaos and hecticness.

Being a people-pleaser, I hate disappointing people. That pretty much includes everyone, ranging from my parents, friends, teachers, and even total strangers at times. As a school prefect, I was also afraid of breaking the school rules, and getting into trouble. I never liked trouble. I didn't like the severity and consequences it brings.

I'm also an unfortunate procrastinator. I like putting off my work to the very last minute. Quoting a teacher, I seem to work best under pressure. All the best ideas almost always appear at desperate times when I needed them most.

Hence, since entering secondary school especially, my time management skills are really bad. I would be finding myself rushing out essays, cracking my brains to solve sums, and getting very cranky in attempt to finish reports in the wee hours of the morning. I would go to school the next day, complaining to my classmates about how little sleep I got to complete all these homework.

Many classmates just could not understand why am I so paranoid about homework. Most of them would just complete the homework at their own pace and eventually hand them in to the teachers. Some of them are not even bothered.

I wasn't paranoid about the homework I guess. I just had a fear of getting into trouble.

I know a lot of people who know me think that I have cancer now, at such an early age, is due to the unnecessary pressure and stress I tend to put on myself. Accumulated over the years, it has finally taken a toll on my health. My parents agree, but only slightly. They believe it could be due to genetics as well. I am of the same opinion as my parents.

But ultimately, the reason to why I have lymphoma - that isn't important now.

What's most important is, I get myself treated, rid of the tumour completely, fully recover from my condition, and get back to a much more normal lifestyle. Of course, without the unnecessary stress and pressure. Studies did show excessive pressure and stress can cause the formation of cancerous cells.

The moral of the story is, I hope all you readers realise the importance of stress management. Whenever in doubt, try putting a smile on your face. It'll do you lots of good to have those endorphins, or happy hormones in your body. Besides, it's free.

Cheers!

Labels: musings

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