Monday, 7 May 2012
Hello loyal readers! While I am still reasonably alert, and while I still can, here is pretty much all you need to know about what happened to me since my last entry.
My cancer came back...again. It surprisingly spread to my lungs, causing my cough to return and to my right kidney again. This was discovered through a chest X-ray and an ultrasound done at the abdominal area around the end of April.
Chemotherapy is not likely to work on me anymore, as I had the strongest dosage of chemotherapy administered to me previously before my stem cell transplant. Radiotherapy at so many random areas where the tumours are situated is also not advisable. Hence, I am now under a new kind of medication. Unfortunately, a very expensive kind as well. I am praying and hoping with all my heart and soul that this new medicine can work its magic on me and rid of all of these evil cancer cells once and for all.
The relapse of my cancer for the third time is not only devastating, heartbreaking, and torturing my family and myself; it also sounds somehow ridiculous. Even if I don't find it ridiculous, I know that there are a few people who just might have this thought flash through their minds, even if it's only briefly,
Well, you're not the only one who wants me to get well. That's me, and a whole lot of other people out there.
I have been battling cancer since I was seventeen in 2010. It's already going to be mid-2012, and here I am, wondering if there was actually any improvement to my condition throughout this journey.
I see articles of teens around my age who got the same condition, and went through similar treatments. Yet, while they are already under remission, I am still stuck with this annoying thing called cancer.
I am truly happy that cancer is out of their lives. Seriously, cancer is no joke. Cancer isn't just some minor flu that you can control with a couple of pills or just simply shrug it off.
But honestly, I question myself so many times,
I follow my doctor's orders down to a tee. I'm careful with my food. There are all these 'tips' on how to manage one's diet when one is struck with cancer, i.e. no meat, no seafood except for fish(then again, some people also mentioned that fish without scales and fish with whiskers like catfishes should also be avoided), nothing fried and oily, etc. There are some who say that I must become a vegetarian at a chance of a full recovery and a long remission.
Despite being a massive food lover, I sometimes feel like I'm stressing myself out by putting all these limitations onto myself. I admit, I get paranoid. I adhere to these seemingly stupid rules when I can(and that is most of the time) for that tiny glimmer of hope that I can get better. Also, I am getting desperate. Since people have all these rules tried and tested, I thought to myself, why not give it a shot?
But no, it doesn't work on me, apparently.
I'm really frustrated, and I'm running out of options. I have readers who had left me tags and comments on alternative treatments. I thank these readers for sharing such information with me. Right now, I'm doing whatever research I can on these treatments. To be very honest, I hope I don't need to resort to them after this.
Meanwhile, besides all of the depressing news and rants that I just loaded you readers with, I do have some positive things to blog about. But all of that shall be in another entry, which I'm hoping will materialise very soon instead of me making seemingly empty promises on blog posts that never seem to appear on this humble little space of mine.
Till then, take good care and lots of love from this blogger.
Tuesday, 13 March 2012
I have a lot to blog about actually.
But recent events are making me feel tired, emotionally.
I'll update when said events resolve.
For now, to those of you who wonder - I am doing alright for now. I'm recuperating at home, living every single day knowing it is a blessing that I am still living.
I hope my readers stay safe and happy.
Take care, and cheers.
Thursday, 1 March 2012
As I'd mentioned in my previous post, I talked about publishing a guest article here. This article is written by Mr. David Haas. The summary of the article, in his words, is as written below:
The article attached, which I recently completed, is about the benefits of fitness and eating healthy during and after a diagnosis of any kind of cancer. Each different cancer has its limitations, but if one can keep a healthy body, they can have a better chance to overcome this awful disease.With that, I sincerely apologise to David due to the delay in publishing his article. He sent it to me in early February, but since my Internet was down and I was tired from radiotherapy and its side effects, I'm only putting this up now.
Do enjoy, and feel free to leave your thoughts and comments!
by David Haas
Imagine feeling nauseous, weak and exhausted incessantly on a daily basis. Unfortunately, cancer patients have to confront this battle every day. Cancer on its own is enough to drain a person of their energy, not to mention the tiring cancer treatments. It's undoubtedly a struggle simply transitioning from sitting to standing, let alone trying to utilize your remaining energy to exercise. Whether you have recently been diagnosed, are currently going through cancer treatments or are a cancer survivor, the benefits of exercising during this particular time in your life can be a life-altering experience.
The ability to improve one’s quality of life or boost your energy levels are just a couple of the positive results that can come from exercising when you have cancer. One very reliable source, the Better Health Channel, provides several advantages of exercising when coping with cancer. The benefits go well beyond merely boosting energy levels and into the realm of physical improvement. This enlightening site states that the functioning of your heart and lungs can improve, your seemingly absent appetite can reappear, nausea and vomiting may decrease, your sleeping cycle may be strengthened, pain will become less prominent (endorphins released during exercise have the power to ward off pain), your digestion can improve and finally, exercising can improve your mood.
The benefits of exercise that accompany cancer patients work the same for cancer survivors, whether it's improved cardiovascular function, increased energy levels or a better quality of life. There are also scientific facts that support exercising when you have cancer. Again, the Better Health Channel offers sound facts saying that routine exercise has the potential to assist the body in producing more white blood cells and to increase the immune system function, which can lead to less days spent in hospitals and can even lengthen your rate of survival. The mere possibility of increasing survival rate should be enough to motivate you to take that extra step in the battle against cancer.
Deciding what type of exercise is best for you and when to exercise is essential. You certainly don't want to push yourself too hard. Certain types of cancer require different degrees of exercise. Mesothelioma sufferers (as with most types of cancer) need to gradually adapt to exercise and build their way up. Walking or jogging is probably the best bet since they're both low intensity yet effective. The Better Health Channel insists you do not exercise within 24 hours after receiving chemotherapy. Experts recommend participating in moderate activity for twenty minutes or less each day. Clearly, the perks associated with exercising during this difficult time in your life can be astronomical and possibly a matter of life or death.
Labels: guest article
Wednesday, 29 February 2012
Hello readers! I'll be keeping this short for now.
First of all, I've completed all 27 fractions of radiotherapy. I'd a blood test done, and I'll only get to go for a PET scan three months later. As the effect of radiation is still there, going for a scan now will produce inaccurate results.
Three months. Anything can happen in three months.
I do worry. I do feel fear.
I guess there is nothing I can do but wait.
I'll try to update in detail soon.
Meanwhile, do look out for a special guest article by a Mr. David Haas very soon! I can assure you, this article will do a lot in enlightening you; it doesn't matter whether you are a cancer patient, cancer survivor, a family or friend of a cancer patient, or a healthy individual.
Cheers, and Happy 29th of February!
Saturday, 4 February 2012
I haven't had raw food since April last year.
You see, raw food has all kinds of bacteria on it. The average human body can quite easily fight said bacteria.
Mine couldn't while I was going through chemotherapy and the transplant. Since I was lacking in white blood cells and once, even having zero white blood cells in my body - eating raw food would mean suffering more due to infections.
I couldn't have some of my healthier favourites - sandwiches, sushi and salads. (Isn't it coincidental that they all start with the letter S?)
But now, despite having to endure so much and still having to take precautions once in awhile,
I finally feel slightly liberated.
Tuesday, 31 January 2012
Hello dear readers!
It's already going to be February very soon. Tomorrow, to be exact.
I'm going to make this a quick one, but it's definitely going to be slightly more detailed than my previous entry.
Recently, I have been going for radiotherapy sessions (again). The usual staff are still there, and they still remember me. Of course, no one is happy that I have to go for more fractions. It does make things easier for me; the familiar surroundings, En. Owl the joker and Kak N the sisterly figure (real names shall not be revealed here, since they are medical staff) and knowing the procedures without feeling all awkward.
I'm not let off from the side effects, though.
Since my PET scan results from last December showed that I still have this one tumour (whether it's a relapse of my cancer or my transplant unfortunately did not work out as well as everyone thought, it remains unknown. Still, I strongly believe it's the former. There are the results from various blood tests to support my opinion, even if I'm not a certified doctor or MO of any kind) at my left kidney, I was advised to go for radiotherapy once more.
According to my doctor in KL, chemotherapy won't work for me anymore; I was administered the strongest dosage prior to my stem cell transplant, and the cancer cells in my body showed resistance, apparently. Also, there's no point in damaging my healthy cells with more chemotherapy, since it isn't going to work.
So, it's daily trips to the hospital again.
All this at the expense of something - I'll lose the function of my left kidney.
The kidney is quite a fragile organ, it seems. It cannot receive more than a certain amount of radiation, or else it faces major damage.
In my case, it's either sacrificing one kidney, or sacrificing my life.
With the choices given, it's not that hard to decide, really.
I'm getting tired. Tired of all the treatments, tired of burdening my loved ones, tired of worrying the people who care for me. It hurts to see their worn-out faces too.
Will it be too much to ask for cancer to go away already and for me to get through this ordeal?
With the experience I've gained from fighting cancer, I certainly could do inspiring more people with my story. Or helping those in need now. I'm not too used being the one who needs help, to be honest. It kind of makes me feel extremely vulnerable, somehow. And I certainly don't like feeling that way.
Oh, and I don't need anybody to tell me that it's the journey that matters, and not the destination.
You guys have no idea how aware I am of that.
Till another longer post, I hope!
Happy Chinese New Year to all who celebrates it! (Technically, it lasts for 15 days, so I'm not late!)
Monday, 2 January 2012
I feel obliged to apologise to everyone because I haven't been updating, but I think I'm not going to.
The pleasing disease needs to be cured. Or cancer won't.
All that everyone needs to know for now:
I'll give the details later.
For now, I'll just like to spend some time with my family.
By the way, hope this new layout is well-received!
Tuesday, 8 November 2011
Hello again, readers!
This entry is dedicated to everybody who left me tags in my Cbox. Unfortunately, I think some of them got deleted because there were too many words of encouragement and support(my sincerest thanks to everyone who left me a tag!), and at that time I didn't change my settings for my Cbox accountto keep more messages. I managed to retrieve most of them; those that I didn't manage to retrieve back, I really cannot reply you but I can only give you my thanks for your encouraging words and for some of you, suggestions of alternative treatments.
I'll be replying tags from the earliest to the most recent.
Here we go again!
@nn, thank you for believing in me! (':
@Pn. Wong, teacher, is that you? :D Thanks so much for dropping by! You take care too! (:
@ayasan, I will definitely try! Thanks!
@C, thanks! Will do! (:
@xx, easier said than done, but will definitely try! Thank you! (:
@guest, thank you! (:
@Edwin, hello there! Thank you so much for your concern, but for now, I have no intentions of setting up a PayPal account. I have my reasons, and this wil be further explained in a separate blog post. I certainly am grateful and glad that there are so many Samaritans out there willing to help me out though!
@uga..., thank you for the love! And I do appreciate the fact that people are keeping me in their prayers! (:
@guest, haha, I doubt that everyone loves me, but I do know that there are people who do! Thanks!
@hope, no pun intended, but I hope so too! Thanks!
@Unwritten, thanks! I hope that everything will be okay, eventually. (:
@candice, nice of you to drop by! And thanks! (:
@hong, hey there! Thank you so much for your tag! Well, I was too tired from my stem cell transplant and the side effects were wearing me out months afterwards to even go online, hence the lack of updates. I've been trying to update as often as possible now. Thanks for checking often!
@way, awwww, thanks! (:
@vivian, hello there! I do apologise for the super late reply. I'm sorry to hear about your condition, I do hope you're on the road to recovery! Sure we can be friends! Feel free to e-mail me here: firstname.lastname@example.org
Hope to hear from you soon, Vivian! (:
@ex-junior, hi there! Thanks for your well-wishes! (:
@iqa, awwww, thank you! I'm glad that my story could broaden your perspectives. Will do! (:
@LJ, that's really nice to know! Thank you!
@JW, thank you so much! You too!
@~Si3wLiNg~, when I was still undergoing the transplant, I'd been advised by my doctor to not dabble with alternative treatments, because it could bring more harm to my health if the effects from both treatments were to clash. If you would really like to let me know more about energy healing, you could send me an e-mail to email@example.com. Thanks!
@Nikisa Izas, thank you! (:
@Believer, wow, I'm really flattered! Thank you so much for your compliment and the well-wishes! :D
@kalis, awwwww! Thanks! (':
@h, I don't really understand your tag, but thanks for dropping by anyway!
@Zettiey, hi there! No, I never tried alternative treatments before because I'd been advised by my doctor to not involve myself with alternative treatments. The results of alternative treatments vary among patients - it could be harmful, it could cure one of cancer. Meanwhile, I'm not going to take any risks. Thanks for the well-wishes, though! (:
@Hope, I'm glad to hear that! Thanks! (:
@Lynette, thanks so much! :]
@ugashni, thanks for the love! (:
@Somebody, thanks for keeping me in your prayers! (:
@Arynna, will do! Thank you! (:
@X, awwww, thank you so much! :]
@charmaine, my doctor is a very knowledgeable haematologist too, and I trust him in treating me. Thanks for the info anyway! (:
@AAA, appreciating the love from across the Causeway! Thank you! (:
@blogwalker, thank you! I think I'm doing alright at the moment. I really hope that I'm well on the road to recovery! (:
@Alvin Lee, hey! I saw your Facebook message, but haven't got to replying you yet. Do bear with me, and sorry about that! (:
@Anonymous, thank you!
@stranger, thank you for the compliment! (':
@roslinda, thank you so much for keeping me in your prayers! I'm really sorry to hear about your niece's condition though. I hope she's doing well and is recovering!
@AnotherOne, that's really nice to know! Thank you so much! (:
@cha, I won't give up that easily. Thanks! (:
@kit, definitely! ;)
@fran, thank you so much for the compliments! I'm glad that my story helped you realised how lucky you are. Cheers! (:
@Dorothea, hey! No way would I just regard you as just another stranger! That would be disrespecting you and everyone else that had commented even though I don't personally know them in real life. Thank you so much for your tag and for keeping me in your prayers, I really appreciate that a lot! (':
@Mika, nice to know! Thanks! (:
@Sheree, well, I'm sure all of us have our complaints about life. It's just about who's more fortunate and who isn't. What life throws to us, we have to face instead of running away. Anyway, thank you so much for everything! :'D
@leonie g, hello there, reader of the same name! Thank you so much for the well-wishes and the compliments! Super appreciated. (':
@mizah, I will. (:
@angie, thank you so much for keeping me in your prayers! And there's no need to be ashamed for whining about your life. We all do, actually. It's what makes us human. (:
@paula, thank you for the prayers! (:
@HI, awwww, thank you! (':
@Ashley, thank you so much Ashley! I really appreciate your tag. :D
@c, thank you! (:
@Jasmine, thanks for the well-wishes! (:
@ur junior, you don't need to hope. I will stay strong. (:
@nadya, will do! Thank you!
@zah, thanks! Will do!
@ins, thank you! (:
@BK, thank you so much for the well-wishes and for dropping by my blog! I really appreciate it a lot. (:
@Carmen, ah, thank you so much! :'D
@Hanne, thank you! (:
@Clara, thank you for the compliment! I'm glad to know that I inspire people. It's the least I could do. (:
@nick, thank you! (:
@Vanessa,, hi there! Thank you so much for your compliments! They really do make me feel better about myself. (':
@Grant, I won't! (:
@c, thank you so much for leaving so many tags. (:
@Gail, really nice to know! Thanks! :D
@yishien, thank you!
@Jane, thank you! Much appreciated. (:
@ShazrolAzly, thank you so much! I really appreciate that! (:
@Jen, my thanks to you too! Yes, I'll keep that in mind. (:
@jy, will do! Thanks! (:
@krystie, thank you so much for your support! :'D
@mic, thanks! (:
@cheering you on, thank you! That's really nice to know! :D
@Alvina, thank you for keeping me in your prayers! Really appreciate that a lot! (':
@anon, thank you!
@asd, I'm so sorry for the late reply! Thank you so much for wanting to help me out though! (:
@Ash, awwwww, thank you! (':
@Yu Hong, thank you! (:
@hellosunshine, thank you for your tag! :]
@YSL, thank you! (:
@suzane, you're right on that one! Thank you so much! :]
@MH, thanks for the info! (:
@ashley, thank you! (:
@evelyn, hello there! Thank you so much for wanting to help me out! Financially, I'm currently quite alright for now. But if there's anything, I'll definitely send you an e-mail. Thanks once again! (':
@Inti-an, thank you! :D
@addin syah, glad to know my story inspires you! ;)
Wednesday, 2 November 2011
All responses here are to those who had commented on my blog post titled 'here comes the hardest part.' I will contact those who didn't want their comments to be published through e-mail as soon as possible.
Generally, those that had asked me to give my bank account/contact details to them through e-mail will be contacted again through e-mail as well. Since I'm done with my transplant and things have settled down a tiny bit financially compared to then, I think it's only polite for me to say thank you for the kind thought; I never replied to them immediately due to my going through the tedious treatment process and feeling utterly too tired to even go online. They wanted to help, but I didn't give them the necessary information. Hope this clears up some misunderstandings out there!
I'll be replying from the earliest comments to the most recent.
@jorene pu, thanks! (:
@fyah, thanks for the well wishes! It's perfectly fine that you couldn't help me financially, it's the thought that really counts. (:
@Sylvi, I'll be sending you an e-mail soon! And thank you! (:
@Shar Linn, I sincerely appreciate your comment, it's truly full of wise words. It's really great to know, and I don't feel that bad about myself being 'weak' once in awhile anymore. Thank you so much for the support and encouragement, it's much appreciated and needed while I try to kick cancer in the ass. (': I'll be sending you an e-mail soon! Thank you so much again, Shar Linn! Cheers! :D
@Naziha, thanks so much! Really appreciated. (:
@nityakumar, thank you so much! I shall try to contact you soon. (:
@Carinn, I think I thanked you and the rest in Sunway College JB so often now, I'm starting to think that I'm nagging at you lot. Heh. And I don't mean to make your mum or anyone cry reading about my predicament! Oh gosh. D: But I'm truly touched at what you, your family and our friends have been doing to help me out. Thank you so much Rinn. (': <3
@Michael, will be sending you an e-mail soon! And thank you! (:
@Paul Low, thank you for the comment Paul! Cheers! (:
@Cikgu Adilah, cikgu!! Thank you so much! *hugs!* (':
@fashu, thanks Fashu! <3 (:
@Jean Chu, thank you for keeping my family and I in your prayers! Will send you an e-mail really soon! (:
@xox `Lyng` xox, thank you so much! Will send you an e-mail soon! (:
@CYJ, I'm glad to know that my story inspired you and your roommate. Thank you both for your help, but I won't post my bank account details nor my Facebook profile in my cancer blog. I find it too public. You didn't leave me your contact details either, so I can't get back to you personally at the moment. If you're reading this and still want to contact me, please e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org! Thank you once more, and please send my thanks to your roommate as well! Cheers! :D
@Komol, hello there! Will be sending you an e-mail soon! (:
@Anonymous, my family and I have our reasons to not publish about my condition in the papers. This will be explained in a future blog post. Anyway, thank you!
@st, will be sending you an e-mail soon! (:
@qi, thank you so much! (:
@David Teoh, hey David! I'm really grateful for the help that you and the rest of the peeps in Taylor's had done for me. I know all of you had done your best in trying to help me out, but because of certain situations, all of you couldn't do more for me. I'll explain in my blog as soon as possible why. Meanwhile, thank you so much for everything! Please send my sincerest thanks to the rest as well. Cheers! (:
@Anonymous, I'm sorry to hear about your uncle having cancer too. I'm glad to hear that he can get a suitable bone marrow though! (: Hope his condition has stabilised and he's doing much better now. Will send you an e-mail soon!
@Rebecca Koo, hey girl! I'm so sorry for the late reply concerning this matter. I am still grateful for all you and the rest had done for me. (': Aren't we friends now, by the way? ;) Haha. When I'm free from cancer and all, maybe we can meet up with Jia Ying and a few other mutual friends and we can get to know each other better. (: Thank you for keeping me in your prayers! :'D
@Anonymous, thank you so much! Will contact you through e-mail as soon as possible! (:
@pangzter, I'm so sorry for the late reply! Funds-wise, I think it's alright for now. (: But at the moment, you can help by being a friend to me! I'm open to new friendships at this point in life. It helps me widen my social circle even though I'm stuck at home because I have to be quarantined. Anyway, thank you so much for leaving a comment! :]
@Lee Yue, I didn't notice any typo errors! But it's okay, no worries at all! (: Thank you so much, but I think it's alright for now. Cheers, and hope you're doing well!
@StereoHearts, thank you so much! It's nice to know that I have constant support from people like yourself. (: You didn't leave me your contact details, so I can't do so. But thank you anyway! :]
@Christinaa!, Chrissie dear! I'll contact you really, really soon, okay! (:
@zahrah, awwwwwww! Thanks so much, Zahrah! :'D Glad to know that I inspired you, in some way or another. Will contact you as soon as possible! (:
@Anonymous, will be sending you an e-mail really soon!
@Rin, hello there! Nah, don't worry! I don't think that way at all. It's just that at that time, I was already under treatment(stem cell transplant), and I don't want to meddle with alternative treatments while I'm undergoing the transplant. Thanks for the information and the encouragement though! It's really appreciated. (: I'll definitely do my research about this. Meanwhile, I hope your sister is responding well to this treatment! Cheers, and take care! :D
@maurice!~!@, man! Thanks so much for dropping by! :'D
@~MY~, will be sending you an e-mail soon! (:
@Alyssa, alright! Will send you an e-mail soon! (:
@Anonymous, thank you for the information! Will definitely look it up.
@Anonymous, awwwww! I'm glad that you defeated cancer! I'm really happy for you! :D You're right, cancer isn't all that bad as it had helped me learn so much about life and how I shouldn't take things for granted. It's high time that cancer should be leaving my life now! Hahah. You being in my predicament before will definitely understand the trials and tribulations of being a cancer patient. Thanks for leaving a comment and telling me about your story, it's really appreciated! Hope to hear from you more if you see this reply! Cheers, and take care! ;)
@QiTing Darling, hey there! Will be contacting you through e-mail/Facebook shortly! I have yet to thank you, Ah Yuan, and the rest of your family properly. Hope all of you can remain patient with me! (:
@Anonymous, wow. You never knew people like me existed unless they're from the newspapers or storybooks? I hope that with my story, it managed to widen your horizons about people like me really existing and aren't merely fictional people/strangers. Will be contacting you really soon! And thanks! It's nice to know that I'm an inspiration to you. (:
@Anonymous, hi there! My email is email@example.com, but I won't be on MSN using this account. Cheers!
@Shen Ni, thank you so much! I definitely will do my best to stay strong and keep fighting. Will be sending you an e-mail soon! You take care too. (:
@Angie, hello Angeline! I'm really sorry to hear about your uncle's passing. I'm sure he fought the good fight well. May he rest in peace. I will continue this battle of mine too. Thank you so much for leaving a comment.
@Bing, thank you! (:
@Nicolette, hey! In fact, I do know who you are! Sherylee's sister, right? (: Thank you so much for keeping my family and me in your prayers. Also, thanks so much for your comment, it does mean a lot to me. (': Cheers!
@ashL?y~*, you can e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org! And thank you! (:
@ss tan, will be e-mailing you soon!
@nicoleeeee :), I didn't do much for you actually, Nic! But it's the least I can do, since I couldn't offer anything other than emotional support to you then. I really appreciate you and the rest being there for me, you guys mean so much to me as well. (': <3
@sam, will be sending you an e-mail soon!
@Anonymous, I did consider setting up a PayPal account, but things were so hectic back then, and I wasn't up to it physically to doing anything online. This PayPal matter will be brought up in a separate blog entry. Anyway, thanks!
@vanessa, hi! Yes, I do know Nicole and Chiara. (: Financially, I think it's alright for now. So sorry for the late reply! But I do appreciate your wanting to help me out. Thank you so much! :'D
@suelynn, so I heard! I really appreciate that JJ and Kay Kay helped spread the news of my situation, thank to my friends who tweeted them about me. (: Thank you so much, Sue Lynn! I'll be sending you an e-mail as soon as possible. :D
@Weng Hui, hello there! Thank you so much for your comment! (': Will send you an e-mail very soon!
@JieWeN, hello there! Thank you for your encouraging comment. Sorry to hear about your spine problem though, hope it's on its way to getting better. (: I'm happy for you staying strong and striving for the best despite your problem and pains.Your brother is right though - please do not overexert yourself, for it may affect your health even more. Do take care of your health, and cheers!
@Janny1120, thank you so much! Will be dropping you an e-mail soon! (:
@Shawn, hello there! I will contact you through Facebook soon. But just to let everyone know - I am under this haematologist in Kuala Lumpur now. Still, I'll contact you just to let you know that I got your comment. Cheers!
@xiaocass, thank you very much! Glad that my story has touched you somehow. (': Will contact you through e-mail soon!
@mable, will e-mail you soon! And thank you! (:
@Wil Sern, you didn't leave me your contact details, so I'm afraid I can't contact you. Thank you for wanting to help me out though! (:
@Kimberly, oh gosh, I read through your comment again, and I just realised I wasn't supposed to publish it. I'm so sorry! D: Thank you so much for keeping me in your prayers though, I really appreciate the thought a lot. (: And your comment did bring some cheer to me! ;)
@Maureen, no problem at all! I don't expect everyone who know about my condition to contribute. It's the thought that counts, in the end. Thank you for the support! (:
@Sharm, hello there! Thank you for the well wishes and for reading my entries! Your Facebook link has expired, but I think I found your Twitter account. Will contact you soon! (:
@Samantha, hey there! You didn't leave me your contact details, and your Blogger profile link has expired; I can't contact you at the moment. Thank you so much for your wanting to help, though! (:
@Menny aka Carmen, thank you so much for your comment and for keeping me in your prayers! I'll be contacting you through e-mail really soon! (:
@Anonymous, I'll be e-mailing you soon! Thank you for your comment! (:
@Jon, I'll contact you as soon as possible. Thanks!
@sylerhkan, thank you so much for your comment! And don't worry, I don't mind the language at all. Some people may find it vulgar, but it's fine for me. In fact, as vulgar as vulgarities are - sometimes I find them appropriate to describe certain situations in ways that normal words couldn't. Your comment did make me smile, by the way! Thanks once again! :D
@Ju Chin, hey! I'll contact you through Facebook soon. And thanks! (:
@Benetoon aka Bene Chian, I'm really sorry for the late reply! I haven't been online till recently due to me recuperating from my stem cell transplant. I did the transplant at a hospital in KL. Thank you for your concern, but I think it's alright for the time being. :] Cheers!
@SK, I'm really sorry to hear about your mum. Being someone who has a kin/family member that went through blood cancer, I'm sure you understand my predicament, and especially what my family members are going through. Thank you so much for your willingness to help and your encouragement! Hope you're doing well.
@huiyin-denoisemaker, I know I'm blessed because there are a lot of friends and nice people out there who are willing to help me out. (: I'm glad to know that I can be of inspiration to you and the rest! Thank you for your comment and for keeping me in your prayers, I really appreciate it a lot. Hope you're doing fine! Cheers! :D
@Sean, hey Sean! I saw your Facebook message, but I haven't got to replying it yet. I'll reply you there really soon, and thank you so much for the well wishes! (:
@ierawkxz, hello there! It's okay, it's the thought that counts! Thank you for praying for me, and thank you for offering to hear me out when I need someone to talk to. I really appreciate that a lot, since friends are really a huge factor in me staying strong to beat cancer. (: I'll e-mail you very soon! ;)
@Shermaine, hello there! Thank you so much for keeping me in your prayers! I really appreciate that a lot! (': Cheers!
@Anonymous, hello there! I'm pretty stubborn, and I love to learn, so I really would like to continue my studies, given the chance. (: Thank you so much, and I'll be dropping you an e-mail as soon as possible! ;)
@eexuan, will be contacting you very soon! Thank you so much, by the way! (:
@e for ecstasy, I don't have a PayPal account at the moment, but thank you so much for your willingness to help. And thanks for the link as well! I'm sorry to hear about his passing, but I'm sure he fought hard to the very end. Will take some time out to read his entries. Once again, thanks! (:
@Anonymous, yes it is, actually! My treatment has ended for now, and hopefully that's the end of everything! Thank you so much for wanting to help. (:
@janicechian, Janice! I'll contact you through Facebook really soon! Have yet to thank you and Joanne properly. (':'
@Andrea, hello there! Firstly, thank you so much for your encouraging words! (': And also for keeping me in your prayers. As deadly and sucky as cancer is, it's nice to know that I have made many new friends because of this, widening my perspectives in life and getting to know more people from different walks of life. I'll be sending you an e-mail really soon, do keep a lookout for it! Cheers! (:
@meowth aka aileen, thank you so much! Will e-mail you soon!
@ankakashi, I miss you and your flowers. Sigh. (': You're such a dear, Anna-chan. Glad that my blog managed to help you and your mum reconcile, though I doubt that the argument would have lasted long anyway. ;) Can't wait to give you more kitty smiles in person! :P
@missroum87 aka grace, you can contact me at email@example.com! I can't access to the Facebook link you'd provided though, so I'll try to contact you through your blog instead. Cheers!
@Nessa aka Nadia, hello there! (: Thank you so much for leaving a comment on my blog and for your willingness to help! I'll be sending you an e-mail soon! ;)
@xiao, I don't have a PayPal account, unfortunately. But thank you so much for wanting to help me out! (:
@Anonymous, I live in Johor, Malaysia.
@Anonymous, thank you so much! Yes, I am aware of that, so I definitely won't give up easily. (':
@linz, will be sending you an e-mail soon!
@amalina, thank you so much! Yes, I'll continue to stay strong. (:
@Jane Teh, thank you so much for leaving a comment on my blog! I really appreciate the supportive words. (': Will be contacting you really soon!
@Anonymous, thank you so much! (:
@Adiba, thank you so much! I'll contact you through e-mail really soon! :]
@Anonymous, thank you so much for your wanting to help me, but I do not have a PayPal account and I don't think I'll be opening one anytime soon. I'll explain more in another blog entry. But thanks!
@Stefanie, thanks! Will be sending you an e-mail really soon! (:
@rådicål 'dreámer, I'll still thank you, because it's good manners, it's appropriate and it's the least I can do. Thanks Daniel. (':
@Mcguyver99 aka Andrew, you didn't leave me any contact details, I'll try to contact you through your blogs. Anyway, thanks!
@Anonymous, thanks! Will send you an e-mail soon! (:
@Chuah Siew Lin™, hello there! Thank you so much! I'll definitely stay strong. (:
@Angela, so sorry for the late reply! But thank you so much in putting your effort into making a video for me. I'm still very touched by the video and your gesture. (':
@Anonymous, thank you for the information! Will go and check it out when I can.
@Bro Punna, hello Uncle Punna! Thank you for your well wishes. I'll try to contact you as soon as possible. (:
@Daeng Hanisah A Malek, hey Daeng! Of course I still remember you! (: Thank you so much! I'll try to contact you through Facebook. :]
@Anonymous, will send an e-mail to you soon!
@Anonymous, thank you so much for keeping me in your prayers! Will send an e-mail to you soon!
@Mel Koay, thank you so much for your kind words! I'll send you an e-mail as soon as possible! Cheers! (:
@Kuah Jenhan, will be sending you an e-mail soon! I'm alright with comedy, and thank you so much for the offer! When I've fully recovered and I'm no longer under quarantine, I'll try to make it to watch one of your shows! (: Cheers!
@Anonymous, hello there! Thanks so much! Glad you got your transplant over and done with. Will be contacting you really soon! (:
@Nadya Liew, hey there! I'm really sorry I couldn't reply earlier, I had complications shortly after doing my transplant. Took me some time to recuperate properly. Thank you so much, and to your parents as well! I really appreciate the kind gesture a lot. (:
@elena, thank you so much for the information, Elena! Will be contacting you as soon as possible! (:
@Wan Ting, thank you so much for your well wishes! Will be contacting you through e-mail soon! (:
@Shastri, will be sending you an e-mail soon! And thank you! (:
@Pj, thank you so much for your comment! I'll contact you through e-mail soon. (:
@Elton, thanks so much! Will contact you really soon! (:
@Anonymous, thank you for wanting to help me out! I'll contact you through e-mail as soon as possible! (:
@qqq, yes, I was botak(bald). Not many people can say that they went bald twice throughout their whole lives. You try going bald, and see whether you actually can have the heart to type that comment out to me. (:
@Anonymous, hello Mr. Lim!! I'm so sorry for the late reply! I'll e-mail you really soon okay! Hope you're doing fine! :D
@§pinzer, will do! (:
@Nick, thank you so much for your comment! I've read some of the entries in your blog, and your comment makes a lot of sense. I'll try to personally contact you as soon as possible. Meanwhile, I'm glad you're doing well! Hope your health is improving day by day! (:
@Su Ann, thank you! I won't. (:
@Paul Tan, I'm so sorry for the late reply! I still will contact you soon though. Cheers!
@Vun, hello there! It's not that I didn't want to be specific, it's mainly because I still want to keep some of my social networking site links private and open only to my close friends and acquaintances. I have recently created a new e-mail account specially for my cancer blog, so maybe if you have any queries you can contact me here: dancingpapercranes.live.com. Anyway, thank you for dropping a comment and for wanting to help me out!
@forenseeks, I'm sorry to hear that your uncle has cancer too. I hope he is recovering well, and even better - already fully recovered! Thank you for the information and for keeping me in your prayers, as well. Cheers! (:
@Ken, will send you an e-mail soon!
@xq ♥, hey! Thank you so much! Will contact you soon! (:
@*MysL*, hey Mich! You didn't leave me your contact details, so I don't think I can contact you. :( I don't have a PayPal account though. Anyway, thank you so much for helping me out! I really appreciate the effort. (':
@Cheyenne, will send you an e-mail as soon as possible! Thank you, dear! (:
@Anonymous aka C from Singapore, it's perfectly fine if you can't contribute financially, it's the thought that counts. I really appreciate that a lot. (': Also, thank you so much for your kind comment and for keeping me in your prayers! :'D Cheers!
@hongs, hey! Thank you so much for everything you had done. (: You didn't leave me any contact details, so I really have no idea how to get back to you. D: Hopefully, if you see this reply, and if you still want to contact me, feel free to e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org. Cheers!
@Anonymous, I assume that you are C from Singapore. Thanks! (:
@ℓσgєи αυτhøɾ вєαstlч, will be contacting you really soon! Thank you!
@Missy Sasha N Mini Myra, hello there! Sure I don't mind, you were only trying to help me. (: Besides, I think letting people know about my story can inspire them in one way or another. :] I'll contact you through e-mail really soon! Thank you so much for everything! :D
@Nana, hi there junior! Thanks to you and your friends for wanting to help me out! You didn't leave me your contacts, so I can't get back to you. Still, my sincerest thanks! (:
@Roberto, thank you so much Roberto! (': I'll keep fighting the good fight, no worries there. (:
@S, thank you so much! I'll contact you as soon as possible. (:
@Ccy, it's email@example.com. Thank you so much for being understanding of my situation. I'll be sending you an e-mail as soon as possible! (:
@Jaynier, I don't have a Maybank account. Sorry!
@Cherly Sim, yes, I'm Malaysian. Oh really? Thanks for the information! You didn't leave me your contacts, so I'm afraid I can't contact you personally. I hope you see this reply, late as it is! And I'm sorry about that. D:
@LadyMichelle, hello there! I'm really sorry for the late reply! D: Thank you so much for wanting to raise funds for me through your school's Interact Club. I already completed my transplant, and I hope that's the end of it! And thanks for the compliment! (:
@Natsu30, hey there! Thank you for your comment! I hope your friend is currently doing well. (: Cheers!
@soowei, thank you so much for the comment! Really appreciated! (:
@shuhui, hey there! I'll contact you really soon! Thank you so much! (:
@Anonymous, thank you! I'll send you an e-mail soon!
@Keshu, awwwww! Thank you so much, Keshu! (': Your comment means a lot to me. :'D I'm so sorry for the late reply though, I'll message you on Facebook as soon as possible. Thanks for putting in so much effort to help me out, I really appreciate that. (: You take care too!
@aishah mokhtar, I have yet to thank you and your friends properly. You and the rest did so much for me, I'm still speechless whenever I think of it. (': Will personally contact you as soon as possible. :'D
@Christine, hello there! Thank you and to your friends for wanting to help me out. (: You didn't leave me any contact details, so I'm sorry I can't get back to you. But anyway, my sincerest thanks! (':
@Dennis Lau, hello Dennis! Thank you for your comment. I will definitely check out the link you had given me. I'm glad to hear that their conditions are under control. (: I'll contact you through e-mail very soon, and thanks once again! :D
@Unknown aka Willy, congratulations for being a cancer survivor. I'm really happy for you. (: I admire my family members too, it hasn't been easy for any of them either. I'll contact you very soon, thank you so much for your comment! :]
@Jinz and Chris, thank you both so much! I'll send an e-mail really soon. (:
@milkway, hello there. I'm really sorry to hear that both your mother and brother are diagnosed with cancer as well. It must be tough on you, and on them as well. I understand that you can't help me financially, it's perfectly fine, really! It's the thought that matters the most. ;) Anyway, I wish you all the best, and I hope their conditions have improved, or better yet, they have already fully recovered from their cancers. (:
@tcs.thecross aka Chee Seng, thank you so much for your comment! I'm glad too for the encouraging words that many have been sending in, they do mean a lot to me while I keep on fighting the good fight. (: Thank you for the prayer, and thank you for doing so much for me! I wish I could contact you personally, but I don't see any contact details provided. Anyway, I hope you see this, because I just want to let you know how thankful I am for the help. (': Cheers!
@Su, thank you so much! I shall contact you through e-mail soon! (:
@Alvin Lee, will do! (:
@musings of a recluse aka Janet, hello there! Thank you so much for keeping me in your prayers as well as for the well wishes! I really appreciate them a lot. (': I'm sorry to hear about your uncle, I hope he's doing much better now! I think if you do regular check-ups and keep healthy, you should be quite alright. (: I'll try to contact you when I can! Cheers! :D
@Tipsy, hello there! Thank you for telling me about the link! I will consider setting up that PayPal account, but I don't think it's anytime soon. I hope your artist friend is doing much better now! Also, I'm happy that your mother has been cancer-free for so long. Hope that good streak continues! ;) Cheers, and thanks again!
@Zahra N Damayanti, hey there! Your ambition is amazing, do keep up the good work! You have my support in becoming a future oncologist. (: Thank you so much for your supportive and encouraging words, and also for keeping me in your prayers! I really appreciate them a lot. (': Sure we can be friends! I'm always up for new friendships. ;) I'll contact you as soon as possible! Meanwhile, I hope you're doing well! Cheers! :D
@Anonymous, I prefer to keep my Facebook account as private as possible. You can contact me through this email though: firstname.lastname@example.org. Thank you so much, anyway!
@Emalina, hello there! I'm really sorry to hear about your father's passing. I hope you and your family are doing alright and staying strong. *hugs* Thank you so much for your willingness to help! Unfortunately, I'm under quarantine, so I don't think I can visit your school at the moment. I'll contact you really soon! Thanks again, Emalina!
@tanwenmin, hello there Wen Min! Yes, she has contacted me, if Jade and Jadeline are the same person we're talking about. (: I'm really grateful for the effort you, Jadeline and everyone else from your church who were involved in raising funds for me. My sincerest thanks from my family and I. (': Thanks for your comment too! :D
@YSL, thank you for your comment! Appreciated. (:
@Amelia, nope, it's not belated at all, no worries about that! (: I'll contact you as soon as possible! Thanks so much! :]
Tuesday, 25 October 2011
I have been trying my best to keep myself fairly busy, without overtiring myself. Sometimes, I still have this mentality that I am still a normal, healthy person and I can afford to exert myself occasionally. Unfortunately, I will only realise the consequences after I unconsciously physically tire myself out.
Anyway, I feel slightly more alert nowadays. I'm assuming it should be due to the steroids I have been prescribed by my doctor. Currently on more oral medication to hopefully stabilize my condition after the completion of my stem cell transplant.
It’s been tough, that I won’t deny.
It has been ages since I gave a proper update, so in this entry I think I'm going to clarify some matters that were of concern since the start of my transplant till now.
Bone marrow transplant? Stem cell transplant? Huh?
A lot of you are confused regarding this matter. I can understand, because if I wasn't diagnosed with cancer - I wouldn't have known any better either.
When I first started treatment in KL, my doctor told me that I have to undergo a bone marrow transplant. Therefore, that's exactly what I wrote on this blog for everyone to know. I have to go for a bone marrow transplant.
Afterwards, I started using the phrase 'stem cell transplant' in my blog. People starting asking me,
"What happened to the plan of you going for a bone marrow transplant?"
"What's a stem cell transplant?"
"Leonie, you have to go through this major operation for your bone marrow transplant right?
The list of such questions goes on and on.
Okay, I'll do my best to answer these questions without adding any inaccurate information by complete accident. But you have been warned, I'm only explaining with my current level of understanding and knowledge. I'm not the doctor nor the expert here, so if I happen to get any facts wrong - don't sue me.
Apparently, bone marrow transplant = stem cell transplant. The common idea of having to undergo a bone marrow transplant in the minds of the general public is the patient and the donor are required to be given general anaesthesia(GA), i.e. both patients are unconscious during the operation. A part of the bone marrow is extracted from the donor, and that part is given to the patient - all these happen during the surgery.
With the advancement in medical science, we now have this procedure called the stem cell transplant. It works the same way as the bone marrow transplant, but the procedures are different.
The treatment I went through required me to have a CVC line inserted at my neck(this was a minor operation by the way, only local anaesthesia(LA) was administed at my neck). This functions to extract my blood from my body and through this medical equipment – separates the different kinds of cells in your blood. After that, the stem cells are preserved till the patient's transplant. High dose chemotherapy is given, and the stem cells returned to the patient.
I wasn't knocked out in any way at all.
This treatment I went through is also known as autologous stem cell transplantation.
Life during/after the transplant.
It didn’t make any difference being discharged from the hospital after I was done with my transplant. (I was there for approximately three weeks for my transplant.) I was re-admitted again and again due to quite serious cases of blood infection that caused me to have high fever that nearly hit 40°C. You do the math. All I can tell you is that my head feels really sore after so many bouts of high fever; my brain’s been getting stressed out a lot.
It’s definitely not easy for my parents either, having to rush me all the way to the hospital in KL. Mind you, that’s five hours of driving for my dad and exhaustion, stress and unhealthy meals for both my parents. Not forgetting the costs of staying in the hospital to get treatment. Worrying my brother as well, knowing that he lives in another part of KL and despite his busy schedule in university and all – wants to come over and keep me company.
Did I mention that I have very supportive and awesome family members? Yeah, I think I mentioned that before.
I really hope that’s the end of all that.
While the cells are readjusting themselves in the body post-transplant, patients will go through a variety of side effects. Some of the unfortunate events I went through are:
- Vomiting blood. Twice. This caused some commotion for the nurses and my doctor. I then found out that the news of me vomitting blood had spread to nearly all of the staff in the entire bulding. Go figure.
- More bouts of high fever, causing me to feel extremely cold and shiver a lot. I remember needing to have three to four layers of blankets in attempt to help me feel more comfortable, plus I wore mittens, socks and a wool hat. A few nurses said that I looked like I was all geared up for winter, ready for a skiing trip. I'll leave it to your imagination.
- More vomiting...
- A very bad sore throat and tongue. Swallowing was really a pain. It's very similar to what I had to go through before, and you can read about it here. Felt more awful though throughout the treatment process.
This is just a scam! They are just con artists!
As a result, my family and I were accused of cheating people of their money, and running off after getting their cash. Some said that my parents were using me or taking advantage of me to con people of their money. Others said that I edited my photo to look bald, and convince people that I have cancer.
I wish some people would just have some common sense for a bit!
Cancer isn't funny at all. Cancer is something so serious, it is capable of taking your loved ones' lives away.
Who bloody wants to end up with cancer anyway? Definitely no one, of course!
Cancer is not a joking matter. Seriously, to all of you who have thought this way - my family and I are seriously hurt by your remarks. Honestly, I really want sincere apologies from each and every one of you idiots!
But as of now, all I want to do is to fully recover. Cause my parents, my friends, my loved ones, or anybody that knows me - less worry, less sadness.
I would like to use vulgarities in the entry to release my anger for the people as I've described earlier, but I rather not. At least, not for now.
A note to these people: I have no reason to cheat any of you. If you choose not to believe me, and still think that I faked cancer(PFFFFT!) - that's all up to you. I didn't do anything wrong, and I don't see any need to explain myself to convince you. Stay in that little box of yours, and rot there for all I care. I'm too tired, and I rather save my energy to recuperate properly. So there!
All this drama makes me so grateful and glad that there are still good Samaritans out there who are willing to help me out. (I'm going to leave this to another entry, good people deserve a nice, long post about them all to themselves!)
I FIND IT EXCEPTIONALLY ANNOYING THAT PEOPLE STILL ASK ME QUESTIONS REPEATEDLY WHEN I HAVE ALREADY ANSWERED THEM IN MY BLOG.
FIRST, SOME OF YOU SAY THAT I'M CAUSING PEOPLE TO WORRY ABOUT MY CONDITION BY NOT UDPATING.
SO I UPDATED.
BUT THEN, THESE SAME PEOPLE JUST HAVE TO ASK ME THE SAME FREAKING QUESTIONS THAT I HAVE JUST ANSWERED ON MY BLOG!
TELL ME, WHAT IS THE POINT OF ME BLOGGING IF YOU AREN'T EVEN GOING TO READ IT? YET, YOU ALL ARE BEING SUCH HYPOCRITES FOR PESTERING ME TO UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE!
I am trying my best to rest more, to recover quickly from cancer. And this is what I get in return.
Oh gosh, is it that hard to get a little bit of understanding from people like them?
Again, I am grateful to those who do understand. Thank you, you and you!
I realised that I've just blogged these pent-up emotions I have been keeping to myself since the start of my transplant.
I do feel a little bit better, but there are still unsettled issues. I'll blog about them another time.
Meanwhile, I hope this entry is satisfying to everyone - both the good, and the bad.
Thursday, 20 October 2011
Edits are going on in this cancer blog of mine. I have added another page, and it's mainly about my treatment course since the start of my cancer journey. I hope I didn't miss any important details, but it's certainly full of just that - details. To those of you who are new here, or would like to know of what I have been going through - more precise information is available here.
Wednesday, 19 October 2011
It's not easy moderating so many comments. I wonder how famous bloggers handle their fans/haters' comments.
Hopefully, I didn't accidentally publish a comment that was not meant to be published; the people who wanted to be kept anonymous or posted their contact details.
There were one or two comments that had contact numbers. Even though it wasn't mentioned, but I didn't publish those either. I don't think they will appreciate prank calls or having their contact numbers exposed. From personal experience, I know I don't.
I think I will dedicate an entire blog entry to replying these comments.
Meanwhile, I will do my best to maintain this blogging spirit and update as often as possible about exactly what I had been through to those of you who frequently ask.
Also, I added a new page for this blog. If you look beneath my blog banner and next to the word 'Home', I dedicated my 'Inspiration' page to this amazing individual. Personally, I really hope that any one of you readers will take some time off to read about her. She's more amazing and tougher than me, and ever will be.
Monday, 17 October 2011
Today marks the 100th day since my stem cell transplant.
Even though the side effects from treatment are still causing me discomforts, I guess it'll cause less worry among my friends, readers and anyone who knows me well with an update.
I'll try and keep this short and concise. (It'll be hard though, I have a lot to say; do bear with me.)
- Words will never be enough to describe how thankful I am for everyone's generous contributions. (I'll appreciate it a lot if some of you do not use the word 'donations'. It makes me sound like I'm a charity case. Or am I, without me realising it...?) They have definitely helped. I just hope that I can recover soon and have no more relapses so I don't have to burden my parents more; them spending so much money on me when we're not from a well-to-do family. I will always feel guilty for that.
- I will definitely thank each and every single person that had contributed personally to those who had informed me of their details or/and their friends' and family members' details. It will take a lot of time though, please be and stay understanding of my condition. One of the main reasons why I haven't been updating is because I get very tired easily nowadays: it's a common side effect from the transplant.
- I am recuperating from my stem cell transplant, but I sincerely have no idea whether I'm on the road to recovery or not. The point is:
Recuperating ≠ Recovering.
Frankly, who doesn't hope for the latter? I wish I have X-ray vision to see whether there is any growth of anything abnormal or not, so I not only cannot give an answer to every concerned individual who asks, but also to my family and myself. It is worrying whenever I feel a pain here or there, I'll get paranoid about it and worry that my cancer may be back to haunt me. You'll be doing me a huge favour by not asking, because I feel guilty that I cannot produce an answer for you. Many thanks in advance.
- I am under quarantine. Strictly no visitors allowed, I'm sorry to say. I do miss my friends a lot and it upsets me whenever I have to reject any of my friends who wants to visit and keep me company(and sane, as well). I'm sorry, and truly am.
- Every comment and tag, I had read. I really appreciate them so much; all this support is a good reason for me to stay positive and strong whenever I get discouraged about my condition. I really would like to respond to everyone, but I find it not possible at the moment. But sincerely, thank you, you and you.
- As much as they are filled with good intentions, please think before you ask me any questions. Some of them are not only offensive, but also very hurtful. I can't expect everyone to understand, because all of you are healthy people while I'm the one stuck with cancer. From a cancer patient's point of view, I believe that generally, only cancer patients(in my case, blood cancer patients) can really understand how I feel and what I'm coping with; the physical discomforts, the emotional breakdowns, the limitations, the challenge to maintain positive, happy and content just to see the light of another day.
- Emotions-wise, I have been feeling like a wreck very often. The smallest of matters can trigger me to cry and actually sob loudly(I don't know what my neighbours will think of me, but what the heck). It's not normal to me; I was very good at holding back my tears during my pre-cancer days. Then, if I ever was caught crying in public(which was super rare) - you'll know that I'm really very upset. Now? The tears come too fast, and too much for my liking. I really hate that I cannot control my emotions as well as before. That definitely adds to my feeling extremely useless. Another reason why I didn't update earlier - I don't want my blog posts to be full of anger and frustration. I don't find entries filled with such negativity of much substance.
- Facebook is killing me. I do want to know what my friends are up to. I admit - I badly want to fit in and keep myself updated with their lives. It's like an addiction for me who has to stay at home and get cooped up all day long - with only the television and laptop for company. But, I get jealous of my friends posting photos of them with other friends; living normal lives and especially the girls - looking beautiful and just awesome. I can't force them to post what I want to see and not post what gets me upset, that would just be mean and selfish of me. But I won't deny, it hurts. I look at myself - bald, unhealthy and useless. I don't feel good about myself, not one bit.
- I'm getting tired. Really tired. When will freedom arrive? When can I fully recover, and recover the life I'm supposed to have? It's so hard to stay positive as time goes by. Giving up is definitely not an option, but fighting on is just as difficult.